Episode 22
Adult Children Living at Home
- Video
- Stories
- Contribute
The topic of adult children living at home has been addressed by many funny movies and books, but it’s no laughing matter for most parents. When the last of our children graduated from college, my husband and I moved into a small apartment for a short time partly to make a statement to them. What we were trying to say was: we love you; come for a visit. Sound familiar? I welcome your stories.
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Adult Children Living at Home
No, we may not like it, but times are getting real tough out there. With them moving back home, I feel it not only helps them, but it also helps you financially. More and more of this is going to happen. Where are the jobs out there? I know myself they are hard to find. That's what parents are for, to help their children in any regards. -
Never Overextend Yourself
When my 19-year-old daughter became a Mom, of course she lived at home and Grandma was supporting the grandbaby financially. Now three years later, she is still here and it is draining me! My problem is that I cannot say no to them, but she needs to go and figure it out.
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Living with my mom and about to be 50
I agreed to move back with my mom in 2008. I have advanced Lupus to a point where daily life for my kids & I became very difficult. I still worked full time. It took every ounce of energy I could muster. I'd be so exhausted after work I'd go right to bed when I got home. In 2009 I had to stop & draw soc security early. I work part time now. I couldn't stand not to work. Moving to mom's made me feel bad enough, I felt like the biggest failure. My sister has lived off my mom most of her life. I feel my mom has crippled her to the point that she will never be able to care for herself. But then I look at me. I am living here with her. I do pay her rent & 2 utilities. I don't want to send the message to my children that you can ever live free! She bought her a house because living with my sister is horrible, pays all bills incl. cell phones for her & her kids. I told mom that while her heart is in the right place she isn't helping her. On the contrary. She made her helpless in life. -
"Helping your grown kid"
My son and his wife were going to be homeless because of their irresponsible spending, so my husband and I bought a travel trailer and let them stay with their two small children and two dogs. We wrote up a contract for chores and electricity payments. We charged no rent. My son purchased a motorcycle for his off road pleasure riding, they went to Disney Land, paid two months out of twelve for electricity and followed not one rule. We fought and fought, but I should have kicked them out. I ended up spending seven thousand dollars more "helping them out". Now I am not speaking to either one of them. No way would I ever do this again! -
32 Still With Mom, Shoot Me Now!
I moved home from Nashville in 2010. Here it is 2014 and I'm an unemployed Chef with dreams of opening my own restaurant or bistro. My mom isn't totally supportive but she did pay for my culinary education at her expense that I don't have to pay back. It isn't that I don't want to work, it's the fact I live in rural Mississippi & the jobs are sparse. Mom loves having her baby boy home but she's too dependent on me being here. I want to let her know that given the 1st opportunity to do something in my field, I'm back out of the nest like I was at age 19. I love your show Judge Judy. I literally watch two hours of your biting honesty 5 days a week. So glad you decided to stay 3 more years. - A Devoted Fan for Life -
Sorry mom, not leaving!
I don't plan on leaving the home. I also don't plan on being a mooch and a freeloader! I'm on the path to being a geologist, and for that, I won't even be home most of the time! It's just me and her with our 5 cats. Mom is starting to get older (she's 65 this year, I'm 22) and I find myself doing more and more things for her, but I'm definitely not complaining! I really owe it to her for giving me this amazing life; and I'll pay her back in any way I can! I have no boyfriend, and one in the near future is laughably unlikely. -
stepson 31 and still here................
I have been married for 11 years. At the time, his 20 year old son was living with us and going to college nearby. By 22, my husband funded an apartment at the college and all expenses and TWO cars for him as well. He did not work or have income. He did graduate after 5 years. I went to therapy during this time because I told the therapist he would be with us at 40! She said this was common of divorced Dads to overcompensate, and that my choice was to leave. He did get a job right away after college, was fired. Took 18 months for the second one, and was fired. Took another 18 months, and now has been working at the new company for a year. He actually BOUGHT A CONDO last month and is gone 5 days a week to live there. (He could save enough money because he did not pay rent or any other expenses) He is still here on weekends to sleep and get food. We still pay his phone, gas, clothing and most groceries. He is not planning on taking his furniture or clothes. Sigh. -
my children an open house.
I have five children, four girls and one boy, I always had an open house for my children. When the first girl got married and after three years plus a baby, her marrage broke up. I took my daughter and granddaughter in and cared for them until she got sorted out. I did the same for my second daughter. My doors were always open. Just because they moved out did not mean they could not come back. I got divorced at the age of 70 after I found out my husband had been cheating on me for 27 years. My children looked after me as I did for them. The love we all have for each other is magic. I remarried two years ago, and my children gave me a fantastic wedding and honeymoon. We all get on so well and take of each other, so yes my children are always welcome in my home if they are in trouble. Five children, four son-in-laws, one daughter-in-law and 10 grandchildren all at my wedding and birthdays, Christmas etc. Sorry Judym I know you won't agree but it works for me. -
Adult Son still at home
My son is 31 and is living at home with my husband and I. He graduated High School, joined the Army and went off to war, came home and got a Bachelors degree and is working. He contributes monthly to groceries and helps around the house without being asked. He has his own room and bathroom and keeps them Army Strong! He is a responsible man who pays his bills on time, hasn't been involved with the law, isn't a "Baby Daddy" and someone I am very proud to call my son. While he isn't currently dating, that I know of, I do encourage him to get out there! He is the kind of guy who got hurt too many times and is reluctant. I try my best to stay out of his business and just let him know I am here if he needs anything. Now, should I encourage him to get out and get his own place? Probably. But with the economy the way it is, I think this works very well for him and us. I think there will come a time that he will move out-hopefully on his terms and with someone he love loves. :) -
An Ironclad Rental Agreement
Draw up a contract, as you would for a renter. Include chores, rules of the house (no overnight guests), portion to be paid for utilities and rent amount and day it is due. Open a savings account in your name, and deposit some or all of the rental money in it on a regular basis. The rental contract should be for a specific time...at the end of the time give them 30 days notice, help them find an apartment, and present them with the money from the savings account to help them get started. If you want to keep a good relationship with family and friends, a contract is the way to go. -
Give them an inch,and they will....
Because of friction and conflict of interests,we moved out of our rather small flat to a larger one that we also have so that our son, who is 21 and recently joined the police force, would have more 'space' and independence. He pays us a 'peppercorn' rent and often has his girlfriend stay over. Recently for economic reasons, we decided to move back to the smaller flat.... shock/horror! He has taken the place over - dining table blocked with computers/laptops, all kinds of electronic gadgets everywhere, girlfriend's washing hung up everywhere, his own car occupying the underground car-parking space. We are made to feel like intruders! I think part of the problem is that his generation expects everything for nothing, or very little, and I blame modern technology like the internet for this attitude...when I was 18,I couldn't wait to leave home and find my own way in Life....by the way,we are big fans of yours!! -
Moving back
I am a 36-year-old woman. I'm so used to doing everything my self...sorting out my own problems. I have always lived far from my parents. At the age of 30, I moved away from the UK and had a great life, but things fell apart and rather then ask my family for help, as I didn't want to be a failure, I carried on until I had a total meltdown. My family watched from a distance as I would never accept any help or say anything was wrong. One day life got on top of me, I called my Mom who automatically said come home...we'll sort out everything. After 14 years of being away from my parents, I actually returned home, mentally exhausted. They helped me through a very hard time in my life. One year later, I am now in China teaching and back to visits only. My mom's statement was this: their house is not only their home but a family house where the door is always open for her daughters. She wants us to know that no matter where we are, there will always be a light on for us to guide us home in times of crisis. -
Adult children living at home
I do not agree with adult children living at home unless it is to assist a parent or parents in need. Adults need to take care of themselves and not depend on their parents. I have a friend that is 61 yrs old and she wants to retire. She talked to her parents who were in their 80's about this recently and apparently her father was not in agreement. Her father just died this past weekend so I am sure she will move in with her mother now so she can retire from work. I just do not agree with it unless the parent is in agreeance and needs assistance themselves. -
Adult children living at home
It's tough out there! I don't want to kick my kids out BUT, my oldest (23) has a full time job and is paying off school loans so he doesn't think he has to pay anything else. We want him to pay his portion of cell phone, car insurance and even toward food costs. My middle son (21) went back to school and is working part time. He doesn't pay anything either! I feel they need to be more responsible and take some of the financial burden off of us and pay their fare share. I can't kick them out but it's time to pull up their big boy pants and take some responsibiilty. When I was their age, I paid board and car insurance. I realize times are different but they could help out. -
It depends on the circumstances
I think it depends on the circumstances. I'm 22 and live at home while attending school. I work part time and am studying full time. My parents help me out with allowing me to still live at home, however, I return the favour by paying board. It's not a large sum of money but it helps them with what I consume with regard to electricity/water/food etc. Through doing this I am able to concentrate on completing my degree and also save some money to one day put toward a house deposit. I'm lucky that I have parents that CAN have me at home and I appreciate it. -
College Life Isn't Easy
Currently I am 19, attending college, and living at home with my mother. Honestly I like it that way. For many people, leaving home for college is a rite of passage of sorts. But for me it is just one big expense. It is easier to live at home than it would be for me to either move onto campus or into town, it’s also cheaper too. My gas is paid for, my meals, my utilities. I’ll be blatantly honest; I planned on living at home until after I graduated from college because that was just easier, and less expensive. I realize that at some point I will have to move out, find a job, start a family, and become a productive member of society. One day, I will… I’m just procrastinating that’s all. But in all seriousness I hope my mom knows how much I appreciate her and all that she does for me. If I were to be living on my own I do not believe I would have half as good of grades as I do now, mostly because I have problems with time management (also called procrastination). -
Sometimes They Must Return Home for Awhile
We have 6 children and life was rolling along when our eldest son, at 26 yrs old, was found to have Ewings Sarcoma. He did not move back home but spent a great deal of time there, visiting with us and playing with his nieces who WERE living with us. My eldest daughter, who was 5 yrs older, was in a mess and living at home with 3 of her children. The second oldest daughter, who was 21, moved back home from college a few hours away as her brother got sicker. We lost him to cancer in 2008 and everyone was there to spend time talking and just loving him. The oldest is now 34 and very happily back with the father of her kids, the oldest one graduating as valedictorian of her high school class. Next is a 28 yearr old daughter, married with 3 kids. Next is a 28 yr old son, a chef who is engaged to a wonderful lady and marrying any day now. Next is a 26 year old daughter, lead baker at a local chain, as is the youngest daughter who is 25. We are thankful they loved each other enough to come home. -
54 and not going anywhere
In the late 80s, my oldest brother moved home after being on his own for ten years. Not only has he not left, but he and my mother see nothing wrong with it at all (my dad died in 2003). She does his laundry, lays out his cholesterol medication, makes his lunch, etc Maybe his excuse is he helps her feel important?? They even go to the casino for dinner a few times a month. Really? My mom can make a million excuses for him. He gets a very nice home-cooked meal most nights of steak, shrimp, etc but when my two daughters and I come to visit, she doesn't want to cook and wants Papa Muphy's pizza. He's the oldest of three and can do no wrong. I imagine he'll marry someone within a year of my mom dying, someone to step in and take over what all she has done. There's nothing I can do or say, it falls on deaf ears; they see nothing wrong with their arrangement. -
You are not doing your children any favors...
I am 28 years old. I am married, and I have three young children. My husband and I are both college educated, and I even got myself an MBA. We purchased our first house when we were 23, and made a life for ourselves. We made sure that our kids had college savings accounts before we made any "luxury purchases", and they will go to college!! :) Failure to launch is not an option :) On the flip side of things, my in-laws have let my brother-in-law live in their nest for over 32 years. He moved in his g/f, and she got pregnant. Now, they are chasing around a 4 year old. My brother-in-law does not work, and they don't really help with household expenses, even as my in-laws had financial hardships. But I don't blame them. I blame my in-laws. They are not doing my brother-in-law any favors by allowing him to be irresponsible. What saddens me the most is knowing that history will likely repeat itself again with their grandchild, because this behavior is being modeled to him as acceptable. -
It Took a LONG Time
Our daughter is an only child, and we tried to do the best for her. We made sure that college was paid for, and then, we assumed that she would stay in that college town and get a job. That is what she mentioned to us. BUT--it didn't turn out that way. She came home and began to look for a job immediately. We were pleased and mentioned that when she found a job and had saved up some money, we expected her to get a place of her own. She had so many excuses for not moving out, and I am sad to admit that we enabled her by not getting tough. She lived with us for about 20 years! I was ready to tear my hair out but there was very little I could do to get her to move. We are both stubborn people, but I guess she was stronger. Finally, she said that she was ready and found an apartment. It's in the same town, but that's fine. I wish I had known how to handle this. -
Be careful what you wish for
When my brother was ten, he threatened my mom by saying was going to run away from home. Mom was upset, punished him and told him he was never going to leave home. My brother is 49 and still living with mom. Mom is regretting it. One of our children decided to return home after finishing college to catch-up on bills. When we explained the house rules, he found an apartment. Do birds return to the nest when mama bird pushes them out? -
Legacy!
My brother is 58 and has never moved away from home. He hasn't worked in many years and has been drawing disability for the last couple of years. Now my mother has passed away. The home is deeded to me, and I am to sell it and split the proceeds between me, my sister, another brother and the one that is still in the home. I have a court date in a few days to evict him because he has changed the locks and will not allow the the rest of us in the home. Thanks a lot Mom and Dad for leaving me the task that you would never do. -
Grandkids a blessing!
I gave birth to three children who grew up, went to school, got jobs, moved out. Success! Then life happened. Our youngest was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She and her brother were sharing an apartment in a nearby city, but moved back home when Valerie could no longer walk. Valerie passed away and Nick stayed until he fell in love and married, then moved out. BUT my eldest, Sarah and her husband and twin 1 year old daughters moved back to CT and in with us until they could get resettled. Two years later, they are still with us. The laughter of those little girls has helped heal so much of our sadness. One carries the middle name of her late aunt and the other darling shares Valerie's giggly, belly laughing way of enjoying life. My daughter and her husband are easy going and flexible. We LOVE having them with us. At our house, life is like a box of chocolates - sometimes messy, but always sweet! Bottom line - sometimes life gives you exactly what you need. -
Adult Children Living at Home - No Excuse!
It depends on the age of the child and the reason the child is staying at home. No responsible, level-minded child really wants to stay at home with their parent, unless there is some uncontrollable situation or a hardship. I have seen many lazy children that continue to live off their parents in their forties, or until the parents pass away, then they are not able to afford the upkeep of the family home which, sooner or later, is lost througho foreclosure, tax reasons or illegal activities. If a child is not living in their parents home to benefit the parent, in most cases, they are not a responsible child... "They are an idiot!" -
Turn Around Is Fair Play
Twenty years ago, my son went through a heart-rending divorce. He was given physical custody of his children who were one and three. We allowed him to come back home. He was trying to go to school for his Microsoft certifications, working a full time job, and he was struggling financially. His special needs child needed a strong stable environment for him and we could provide that.He was never a freeloader. He paid rent, had day care for his children and assisted us around the house. Mostly, he also took care of the children himself. When he was in a better financial shape, he went out on his own. He eventually started his own software company and did very well for himself. As a widow recently, I had some difficult financial trouble as well as a battle with cancer. My son bought a large house and I now live with him. I help with utilities, groceries and housekeeping. Families should be there for each other but only if everyone does their share. -
Adult Children Returning Home & Bringing NewPeople
In 1984, my husband abandoned me and our 2 1/2 year-old daughter. He cleaned out our bank accounts and left the country. I lived 1000 miles away from my parents, but with no money, no job and no car, I had no where else to go but home. My parents, who were two of the most remarkable people I will ever know, took us in until I could find a job, save some money and find a place for my daughter and me to live (1 year). Even though this was a difficult situation, it worked for us. How so? I respected the fact that it was my parents' home. I never expected them to change their lifestyle because I returned, along with a new person. When I found a job, I placed my daughter in daycare. On the weekends, I stayed at home to take care of my child, never expecting my parents to babysit. I helped around the house and did whatever they asked of me (which was very little). Thanks to their love and emotional support, I did not have to seek financial assistance from the state. -
Take a tip from birds
Birds are the ultimate parent model. They build a nest, furiously guard, warm and protect their eggs, find food to feed their chicks after they hatch, and teach them how to walk, speak, and fend for themselves. When it's time to fly, that's it...gone, out of the nest, good luck now that I've shown you everything! Same with kids...teach and develop them to survive and set them free to fend for themselves, confident that you provided them with the life skills they need to thrive. Allowing a child to move back into your house should be allowed only under only extreme circumstances. Provide support if you can, but maintain your private life as you did before you had children. Think of them as a project - one you can succeed at, or get saddled with the rest of your life. -
We started over together
I was a single mom living by myself doing fine. I had a job an apartment my own car. My mom called me and told me she was divorcing my dad! Due to financial constraints we moved in together and it was fine. She respected me I respected her and we each paid half the bills. It was like having a spouse actually better because who can love you like mom. I'm married now with my own house. I miss her sometimes. She always made sure the laundry was done. But she's still a vital part of our family. I'm surprised Judge Judy's kids would move back in. She just seems so strict. I wouldn't come home late if she was my mom!!! Oh no! I'd be an hour early!!! -
A Different Perspective
Looking back, I can offer a point of view from the perspective of a much younger child who was living at home when the adult children returned. First, understand that there is a 12-year and a 7-year age difference, respectively, between my two brothers and me. So, when I was a teen, each of my brothers--at different times--moved back home. Now, you have to understand WHY they moved back home. When a man in his early 30's or late 20's moves back home, it is obviously because he has a problem or disturbance--not because he thinks it might be fun to move back in with mom and dad. In my case, it was drugs and gambling. So I, as a teen, had to be exposed to this dysfunction. It really was not good for me. Does anyone ever take this point of view? I understand that a parent might want to help children out through a temporary rough patch, but this was not a rough patch. It was a lifestyle for them and a miserable childhood for me. -
You can live here adult child..but........
I have four grown children only two have returned home for short periods of time. Our oldest who is Bi-Polar was challenging. We love her very much but she was too much to handle, and due to that, she was a brief returnee. Our youngest came home to make a transition to her next level of adulthood. I think that is the key, make it brief periods, have a contract and set guidelines with love and mututal respect. My husband I made it clear that we are willing to help but need respect and to see reliable behavior. We were very pleased that it was a pleasant experience and our daughter is doing well as a young adult. Tough love is a good thing! We now enjoy our time together...but want to maintain loving relationships with our grown children. -
It's a cultural issie...living at home...
I truly believe this is a cultural issue. In the USA and many large Western societies (U.K, Germany etc), it is expected that children will leave their parents' home and make life on their own. This is not the case in the cCribbean where I live. More specifically, I live in the beautiful island of Barbados and I can say for a fact that most parents don't want you to leave home. In fact leaving your parents' home to go and rent a home is seen as a very taboo issue. The only possible reason to leave your parents' home is when you get married. This is typically the case whether you have finished college or not. I know plenty of professionals including myself who still live at home. Typical Caribbean parents do not believe that you should leave your parents' home to go and rent. It is seen as a waste of money. Moreover, Caribbean parents, especially mothers are very attached to their children and usually don't want them to leave anyhow. -
Adult children living at home.
I have two adult children: a 30-year-old, now-married son, and a 27-year-old, still-single daughter. I love, love, love, them, but could never live with them now as adults! How you make the transition to a childless home depends upon the personality of the child. My son lived for three years at home after graduating from college. It was only with GREAT encouragement that he made the leap to living on his own and in the process met his future wife so all turned out well. My daughter, on the other hand, had made the decision to share an apartment with her then college roommate right out of college. She had no desire to move back home. Both children have built busy lives for themselves away from "home" and so moving back is really not an option. We all get along great and I think a big part of that is because we all have our own space. -
adult children returning to the nest or not
I raised our three children alone all aged under three since March of 1989. The middle child went to live with my parents interstate for years 11 and 12 of high school; the eldest son left during year 12 to share with mates and my youngest left at age 17 to live with her boyfriend. In 2010, when her relationship ended we rented a unit together with her preschool son. That only lasted about 4-5 months, as she wanted her new man to live in our rental so I moved out. I definitely find it very lonely to live without my children. My daughter was definitely the better all round housekeeper and organized mum. My boys were working and independent. I was worried that I wasn't a good enough mother to want them to stay on only for the occasional visit. Now I have myself a new man in my life and we visit the boys sometimes, they are very busy with their own lives. Perhaps had I been a homeowner staying on in same suburb for years, creating that stability, they wouldn't have moved out so young.
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Nightmare! Children Returning Home
A NIGHTMARE ! My sister-in-law and husband, after declaring bankrupcy, asked Mom if they could come back "Until they get their feet on the ground." Well 18 years and 4 kids later, they're STILL there and seldom helping with household expenses let alone paying rent. The husband thought working off the books was great, his FT job he did have, relocated and they didn't want to move the 4 hours away so he began collecting unemployement. Once again into credit counseling and Mom, who has alzeimers, was talked into a reverse mortgage. Just over $30k was used to pay off THEIR debt and now, only paying gas and electric, let the taxes lapse for 2 years and now my Mother-in-law will move in with my family before the house is foreclosed on and my sister-in-law and family fall to section 8 housing. And they STILL feel they're entitled to more! Ugly family battle brewing. -
Exceptions to my rule about moving back home...
In most instances, I would discourage allowing adult offspring to return to the parents' home for more than visits. However, I, as an adult did in fact move in with my folks for about a year. The circumstances surrounding this move were extreme. I had lost my husband, who was the total financial support to the family. I was left a widow with two small children. My folks allowed me to move in temporarily while I got back on my feet. Also, during that time, I did my part to reduce the impact I had on their lives by adding money to the grocery budget, preparing meals, caring for a large number of farm creatures including milking cows and goats. I do not believe that if an adult offspring moves "home" that they should be allowed to freeload. They should always contribute to the household financially, if possible, and/or in doing chores to help around the home. -
Never left
Hi I am 56 yrs old and I never left home. I have never had a well paying job where I could support myself.. I have had odd jobs. Then it got harder to find work..You have to have experience to get the job. It's a vicious circle. There were times I had given up and lost all motivation. When I was feeling better and looking for work, I got rejection letter after rejection letter. I finally gave up after taking a computer course, and not finding work. I went on dissability as I suffered from chronic pain and depression. My Dad passed away in 1980. Mum and I always got along. We live together in a condo. -
It really depends!
Depends on the situation. Does mom and/or dad need you to move back home? Did something happen that you need help (car accident) etc... No one in their right mind, after being gone for a substantial time, ever wants to go back home no matter how good it was. It's like a sign of failure. But sometimes the situation is what it is. -
This is not a hotel.
Our children were raised with a good work ethic. Everyone who lived in our house had a chore. When they were seniors, we had a chat about plans and expectations. Our oldest lived in our home until he graduated from college. The second son had a different perspective. When it became obvious that he did not have a firm goal in mind we gave him a few choices. 1. college, 2, tech school, 3. join the service. 4. MOVE OUT. When he realized we were dead serious, he decided on tech school. After graduation, he got a fair job and started bringing home unacceptable females. Again we reminded him that our house had rules, if you don't like them, you have the right to move out. I will even loan you the pick-up truck. When we gave him a 30 day window to vacate, he took another look at his life, changed jobs, and dropped the trash. We had a realistic talk about unwed pregnancies and girlfriends. When you don't take a stand you appear to accept anything. -
Our Children All Moved on their own after college.
My wife and I had a policy for our children in our house, and we have three children. We will support you until you finish undergraduate work; then you are on your own. If you want to live at home, you will pay a substantial amount of rent and still be subject to our rules. They were gone so fast we hardly saw them leave. All are married and doing well and I believe they are more successful because they were "encouraged" to stand on their own two feet at an early age. My wife and I believe that parents' main responsibility is to prepare their children to be successful adults. -
How I learned it was time to go
When I was in high school, my Dad put a Jules Feiffer cartoon on the fridge. A father was handing his little boy a check while saying, "I'm sorry son, but it's just not working out." When I turned 18, my Dad took me to the bank and handed over my $20,000 inheritance to me (which at the time was a LOT of money). He made it very clear he felt he and my stepmother had done enough and I was on my own. To be honest, I was devastated. It has taken me a lifetime to feel wanted and not riddled with anxiety. I did not want to spend my life living with my parents, but kicking me out for their own benefit caused me a lot of pain. -
Works for us!
Both our children graduated from college in the same year. Our daughter was living in an apartment but our son came home. He has finally found a steady job but still cannot afford to move out. This is ok with us; he stays to himself and doesn't bother us. Our daughter was married in September. She and her husband are living in our finished basement saving for a house. They also stay to themselves. Our arrangement has worked out fine. They both contribute to the utilities. They all eat on their own but sometimes we will all have dinner together. I am glad that we are able to help them out; it is nice to have them around. I could understand were this wouldn't be a good fit for some but our arrangement has worked out beautifully. :) -
I'm never going to leave my mom...
My eldest son's girlfriend (now wife) told me that those actual words were said to her when asking my son when they and their son might be getting their own place. That was 2 1/2yrs ago and at the time I laughed it off. They are now married and have a daughter almost a year old.They have all lived here since they got pregnant the first time six years ago. I adore all of them. I'm scared. I think he meant it. I have encouraged, nudged, teased, talked turkey, yelled at and reasoned with him. He seems content to remain in this almost a grown-up state yet when I get on him to do his share or stop fighting with my 8 year old he will shout that he is a grown ass man! Seriously? Why doesn't pride or something make him want independence, want to make a home for his family? I thought I raised my boys to be self reliant and sure. Thought I gave them the tools and confidence to go out into the world but my oldest son is almost 25. He has two kids and a wife. He doesn't have any ambition! -
It's happening more and more...
As an adult protective services social worker, I see adult children staying or moving back in with parents very often; especially in the rural area I live in. Cost of living is high and it's easier to share expenses and maintain only one household. With this situation also comes a lot of financial exploitation. Usually the parent and child are codependent and I see more sons moving back with widowed moms more than anything. It's very easy for the adult children to make "mom and dad" feel guilty and contribute more money as they don't want to see their children burdened and the children consider themselves "caregivers" and that mom and dad "owe them"...even though mom and dad raised them for 18+ years without any form of payment. -
We moved back, but didn't take advantage..
Several times I moved back home. One time, my father even came and picked me up from Texas to move back to Georgia. He took the bus so we could share the driving my car back. When I worked, I paid my father 1/4 of my take home to help with his retirement. One time when I worked as a waitress, I would treat him to lunch every payday. If I couldn't find a job, he never said anything about me paying money to live there. I was his child. My little brother moved home twice also. The others did not. Neither my brother nor I took advantage of our parents by living at home beyond the age of 21. My father was raised in an era when women lived with their parents until they were married. So my living at home was normal for him. My parents have been gone for 10 years and I miss them. -
Adult son at home...I love it!
Dear Judge Judy, My 35-year-old son lives at home with me. I tell everyone that I gave birth to my best friend! I want him here and he does not want to leave. Both of my daughters left home at 19 and 21. I would have loved for them to stay as well! I am a single woman who hates the thought of living alone, but more importantly, I would miss my son so much. He has a very understanding girlfriend. She would like for him to move in with her, but she understands that she must share him. My boyfriend moved in a couple of years ago and he keeps telling me to let go and have him move out. When he begged to move in I told him that he could as long as he understands that we are a "package deal!" He agreed to it then, but from time to time he keeps asking me when he is going to move out. Sorry....but my son intends on taking over the house when I leave this earth! That is the way I want it! We like to party together, go to movies, out to eat, and just watch Judge Judy together!! -
Return The Favor!
When my brother-in-law got out of the service (Navy), he, my sister and their then baby daughter moved in with my parents so they could save to buy a home. Then when the home was bought, my parents sold theirs...and moved in with my sister and her family! It was really a win-win for all, especially since my father's health was in a slow decline ( he eventually passed) and my mother doesn't drive. So sometimes, when the kids move back with Mom and Dad for a spell, the favor is returned! -
No house is big enough for two families!
When I was fairly newly married, I had two children and we had a disagreement. Well, I had my feelings hurt, so I left with my children and went to my mother's home to live "until I could do better". I left in tears and went to my grandmother's wanting someone to agree with me about how mean he was being! My grandmother was a dear lady, 66 years old and readying herself to retire as a nurse. She listened to me, helped the babies into bed, and of course, fed us. Then she sat me down and told me in a very firm serious adult voice..."you married him, you laid down and had children with him, you have bought a home with him...now check yourself go home and make up with him! You have obligated yourself to that man and those children just as I did, your mother did and now you, and one day that little girl, will do the same. Besides honey, there is no house in the world big enough for two families!" I went home made up and we just celebrated 40years of marriage! -
Hi, my oldest living brother was a S/Sgt, in the Air Force. He had two children and he told each one of them that when they left the house to go to college or wherever, to take a last look at what was their old bedroom. He had plans for it and told them not to be making any plans whatsoever about moving back home again. They didn't. By the way, I come from a family of 10, 6 brothers, 3 of whom retired from the Air Force, 1 from the National Guard. One couldn't join the service, because his trigger finger was cut off by a saw at the age of 6 and the youngest brother didn't want to join the service, so he raised a family. I am the youngest of 4 girls. We raised our families and are living day to day. I really do like to watch your program and you honestly do know what you are doiong. You wouldn't be there as long as you have been if you didn't. Thank You
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A difficult choice!
I have been out of my parents home since the age of 19. Young, I know. I’ve been on my own over two decades now. Married with children, now single with children, not by choice! My mother has asked me to move back home to help take care of her, and help support her. Right now, I cannot because I cannot afford to move! Also I am worried I might loose my freedom as an adult! It’s a difficult decision to make. I know I will move as soon as I can afford it because I know she needs me there. Right now, I have no vehicle and haven’t had one for over a year, so it will be difficult to move out into the country with no car! -
There's A Time 4 Everything
I have mixed feelings about adult children living at home. First, are they mentally and physically able to? Secondly, can they get gainful employment? Lastly, do they add to the household? I am a Special Educator. There are many children who come under my care that will need assistance for the rest of their lives. Their only option may be to stay with parents. The market is unstable. It takes awhile to establish employment and references. Landlords as well as banks are skittish. Many times, a place to live, other than your parents, is a dream at best. Lastly, are they helping their parents? Social security is minimal at best. Pensions have dried up and healthcare is through the roof. Some are home to help their aging parents. It is unfortunate that the United States has adopted this reasoning that everybody should be for themselves. Other cultures work together to raise and nurture a family. Our "depression" may be just what we needed to take a hard look at our disposable society. -
Struggling daughter...
Our daughter was on her own for several years and suddenly found herself without a job. She cashed in her 401(k) and borrowed from friends to survive but after about 4 months of struggling was unable to stay in her apartment without some sort of help. In order to avoid getting evicted we knew we could offer her our spare bedroom for a few months but we couldn't afford to pay her rent and allow her to stay in her apartment. So she and our grandchild moved in with us. The expected time this was going to last was a few months. It stretched to 18 months and it wasn't easy on any of us. But knowing what the alternative was we felt we made the best choice we could for everyone. We couldn't say "oh well" when we knew she was falling apart and we had a small opportunity to help in some way. I wouldn't want to do it again. But if it ever became as difficult for anyone of our children or grandkids as it was for her at that time, we would, more than, likely do it again. -
It can be positive for everyone...
After being away at college and working in a different city for a number of years, I secured a good job in my home town. My father was sick at this time with terminal cancer. I moved back into the family home and started my new job. As an only child, it was great to be able to spend time with my parents and support them both through this time. Within six months of moving home, my father passed away. During that time, it was great for me to be able to be there with him. I felt very lucky that I had secured work at home and was able to live at home during and immediately after this period. Under these circumstances, it was an easy decision to move home. However, under any other conditions (financial hardship, etc.) it would be very difficult. Parents naturally worry about "when you'll be home", questions you haven't answered in years living alone!! Home is a great place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there! -
Moving On
I had six children and the first five moved on very well at the right time, but the baby of the family was so hard to shake off. She thought what the heck stay home or mom will get lonely. Well after a few years of her doing nothing but going to work then going out with friends and showing no signs of leaving I told her, come on, time to get out there and make a place of your own. She replied but you will get lonely, well I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the chair. I then decided to move interstate, thinking she might not follow. Ok you guessed it, she followed me! I then found a place where if she were to stay with me, she would have to live in the garage in a very small space. She stayed for six months then came home one day and said to me: Mom I really would love to move in with my girlfriends. Well I couldn't pack her up fast enough. After she left, I finally got my wish. I sighed and said wow I did it, freedom at last. She now visits at holiday times but mainly rings. My life is so sweet now. This is how she left. -
Get a Life of your Own!
What perfect timing for this topic! We have five children, ages 19-26. We moved from a large home in California to a smaller mobile "retirement" home in Arizona. The oldest daughter lives in California with her family, the younger daughter was at school, and the oldest son had moved out. This 3-bedroom place was perfect since we only had the two younger boys, plus it has a small apartment on the property for when the others visited. Our younger daughter moved back shortly after we purchased this place, then our son moved back! Happy days came once again when this son left to attend a police academy. Just yesterday this son quit the academy and is moving back! I cried all day! *I* feel like a failure! I love my children, but they need to move out and make their own lives! Without jobs, though, we just can't kick them out. My husband and I have very little money to do what we want to do as we are supporting them! This should be OUR time now! This is a nightmare! -
My husband's greatest fear...
This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. 25 years into it and my husband's biggest fear is the kids coming back. They're all college educated, gainfully employed and want to move back to "save money". We took parent loans to pay for college, have a mortgage, and enjoy our empty nest. We took a vacation for the 1st time in years, and the "kids" were all upset. One needed a car, another wanted to move into new house. Did I mention they all have a B.S and one a Law Degree? My husband wants to change the phone numbers, and move to Alaska next year when he retires. I read somewhere there are more serial killers active in Alaska than anywhere in the country, plus it's cold! But I am giving the idea serious consideration to avoid my grown children. -
I would let them come to save money but......
With conditions. Most of my children are grown and gone but my husband and I would have no problem letting one of them move back in if they were saving money for something serious, such as advanced college degrees or even a wedding. The conditions are our house rules. Do not stay out all night, do not come home after 2 AM or before the sun comes up, pay us RENT, such as $50 a week to contribute to your home, utilities, food etc. No overnight guests. Whatever the rules are, we stick by them. The first time my son had to sleep in his car (in the garage) he never came in after 2 AM again. Yes, it can work TEMPORARILY. -
Children are for life
I feel that your kids are always your kids. If they need a roof over their head, then who are we to say no? I will always let my kids move back in if they need to; I would just make sure they paid their way. -
adult children living at home
I have three boys. My oldest is married with two children; he is 32. My second son, who is brilliant and went to UT of Austin, TX and will turn 30 in May came back home and is still there due to paying off school loans. His girlfriend comes and stays with us every weekend. My youngest, now 26, moved to Houston for one year then back home for a year and a half (with his dog); we have two. Six months of that time a new girlfriend moved in (because she worked two minutes from our home.) They finally moved out last November, but we have adopted his dog. I'm 64 and my husband is 68!!! we have just given up; (Last week, he brought home a puppy Huskie who we have babysat for the last three days) -
The Unempty Nest
I made the mistake of asking my stepson to move back in with us. Yes I know, quit my nesting. It nearly did in my husband's and my marriage. I never heard the end of it. It didn't help that my stepson had a substance abuse problem. Once a codependent always a codependant. He is finally gone and off the prescription pain killers. Everyone seems happy except I feel like I was the villan. It might work for some but I bet you they are the minority. If your nest is empty I suggest you redecorate it so that there isn't a room to come home to. Better yet, go find a smaller nest. -
My door is open, with conditions!
My son left home the first and final (so far) time about 6 years ago. He's always had a secure, well-paying job as a paramedic so the likelihood of him returning was slim to none - but recently he decided to return to school to earn a BN. The cost of college combined with the fact that he had to cut his hours from 78 per week to 72 per week (yes, that's PER WEEK - you see why he's never had to return home!) made him worry. I let him know as long as he was in school, could prove through a written budget that there was a financial need to cut his living expenses, and paid at least a stipend towards living expenses, he was always welcome to come back home until graduation. -
Grown Children at Home
All three of my boys have come to stay with us for months at a time as they need to. Personally, since I have the room, I enjoy having them. Given the slump in the economy, there have been times when the boys needed to come home, even after some had children. It also was only temporary, but I was happy to help. Looking to the future, it is hoped that if I need them in my later years, they will extend the same courtesy. Thank you so much for your great work, Judy! :) -
Pack their bags, now!
When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout, then quietly throw them out! I told my adult kids when it was time to move on, "you like the mountains, now go and take a hike."! -
Prodigal son never left.....
My mother had four children. The first went to live with his father at 16 and never returned. The second, two years older, was married shortly after high school and is still married going on 25 years. The third, which came along two years after the last child came, he bounced around but never moved out. Ten years after he was born, I came along. Being more independent, I couldn't wait to get out of the house and even though I did bounce back and forth a little, I eventually got married and never returned other than to visit. Fast forward in time. Mom is 69, in poor health and her son is still living with her. She told me before she died that out of all of her kids, my brother was the only one left to not be on his own at 48 and made me promise I would see to it he has a place to go. Mom passed Oct 9, 2012 and I decided to sell my home that he and my mother were living in. I gave him some money, bought him a bike and gave him the boot. Finally, the prodigal son is on his own and mom is happy! -
Son still lives at home...
My son is almost going to be 23 years old. He is attending college and lives here at home. We love having him here. We actually dread the day when he will decide to find his own place. I wish you could meet him Judge Judy. then you would know why I write the the things I do about him.