Episode 18
Courting with Disaster
- Video
- Stories
- Contribute
An ugly truth about relationships is that the courting period is as good as it gets. Everyone is on their best behavior when they're dating. If there's some little quirk that you accept during this time, it often becomes unbearable over the years. Does her high-pitched laugh drive you nuts? Does he drone on about topics that are of no interest to you? How is your partner different from the person you fell in love with? What's your coping strategy? You must have stories. Anything to share?
Your stories
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long term committment
I remember my mother sitting with me as a child, the secret to a happy marriage is talking it out over the kitchen sink These days it seems the kitchen sink no longer exists and it is quicker to solve everything by getting a divorce online. What happened to till death us do part in sickness and in health? -
Communication
Our biggest problem was communication, which is funny considering we had better communication than most well before we were married. My husband comes from a very intorverted family. If they are mad they bottle it up and literally just ignore the other person. Mine is the exact oposite. In the beginning we had many large fights but we had laid down "rules" before we got married and one of the big ones was, no name calling. That kept a lot of bif fights from becoming relationship enders. We also found a good trick. If we were REALLY mad, then we would break off and go to neutral places and write a letter to the other person. That way we could get out what needed to be said. Then exchange letters and we had to read them alone then write a reply. It really, REALLY worked. We were forced, essentially to listen to each other. Another thing was I am person who need to vent. My husband figured out if he gives me half an hour to vent completly then he can have a nice relaxing night afterward. -
No Matter Where You Go...There You Are
I've been married for 34 years and disagree that courtship is "as good as it gets." I notice that with my beautiful wife that I see her as more impressive every day. Fact is....there's too many other places to look but the only place I find home is right where I am....with her! No matter where you go...there you are! Bill -
Sleeping with the devil
I remember falling in love with what I thought was my knight in shining armor at 31. Long story short of 11 years, we are married now with one child of our own and two others (adults now) from a previous marriage. The problem is that he snores so loudly that I now have bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. It's like hearing an exorcist being done on the devil who invaded my husband's body while he sleeps, the sounds oh Lord the sounds! I sleep under the covers biting my nails, it's that scary most times! He also controls the finances with me never knowing what we have, and I work! Though a good man and caring, his stubbornness and pride to changing bad habits are harmful to the marriage. We are more like roommates now. There are no date nights or sitting and snuggling. He's a video game junkie for hours on end and a huge couch potato! Makes for a very bored lonely wife. -
Calm in the Storm
Everything that could go wrong did and every wart was exposed within three months of dating each other. Even our romantic first time get away presented lots of challenges. We decided he could live with me as a centrist liberal and I could accept his centrist conservatism. I grew tired of the history channel and he grew tired of my shows, so we set up another room so we each got to watch TV we liked and then came together for shows we loved. However the biggest hurdle was my family and their controlling ways. My family lives each other’s lives, even if ours is falling apart as a result, while his family is very distant and has very little to do with each other. We talked, set parameters and have been married ten years now and are perhaps the most boring couple on earth; except to each other. In the end the decision was easy, he was the calm to my over-thinking frantic side. -
Top-down relationships
So many times today people build their relationships on top-down practices instead of bottom-up. We see the new courting period; have sex, have a kid, move in, get married (maybe), and THEN get to know each other only to live out that classic line, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever." That attraction one once had for the other only went so deep and was extinguished by that "one passionate night." Yet we see Judge Judy deal with the outcome of this scenario in many of her cases. Who suffers? The kids. Taking a step back from this top-down way of building relationships, we see that sooner then later they get too top heavy and fall over knocking everything down in its path. The difference between the top-down and bottom-up is foundations. If we build solid foundations as friends first then lovers later I submit that these devastating family issues would be reduced. This isn't meant to be a moral discourse, we are social beings and as such we need to build up those social relationships. -
Marriage doesn't change someone.
Marriage will not make an abusive partner into a non-abusing spouse, an immature partner become mature; a free-spender into a saver, a cheater, liar, manipulative, or chronically unemployed partner into the spouse of one's desires. What it will do is ensure a short-lived marriage with months of arguing (& attorney fees) about who gets what. Media, film, & TV all conspire against marriage. Rarely are couples shown to be self-sacrificing or even mature. Problems are not solved in 30 minutes or less. Everyone ages; as a wise woman said "beauty fades; but dumb is forever!" Want marriage to last? Begin with the conviction that divorce is simply not an option. Stay debt-free and learn to live on less than you earn, plus save for the future and unexpected. Continue to foster your relationship together; especially after the children come. Parents need time alone together and by themselves. Don't be too proud to go to couple's counseling. Plan the marriage before planning the wedding! -
Gasp! Toilet being cleaned with a kitchen sponge?!
See? That's why I live alone. Well, not really. I live alone because I haven't found someone I care to 'get to know' all over again. (Just exited a lengthy relationship going nowhere). My thing is: Wash your hands with soap BUT WASH THEM for real! I hate when people wet their hands, put soap on and immediately run their hands under the water. Basically, they just wasted a glob of soap and now they've only loosened up the filth so they can spread it around my hand towel, light switch, door handle, fridge, etc...and that's just for starters, (so much more where that came from). It's better to live alone, (for now). -
Well, he's my oaf!
My husband snores. He eats way too much. Sometimes he smells. And sometimes he can be just a pain!!! But! He works hard for his family. He is caring and loving. He adopted my son and daughter from a previous relationship. He never cheats, lies, or steals. So yeah sometimes I think what was I thinking? And I remember we have what we have because he loves us. So yeah! He's my oaf!!!!! I love him and he loves me! I'd probably pick him again. It's been five years, and twenty packs of ear plugs. I hope we get fifty more. -
A lil diddy bout Paul and Diane
Judge Judy, I married my high school sweetheart. We met in 82 we got married in 94. We are coming up on 19 years. One year of bliss and 18 years of torturing each other. We have 2 beautiful kids. We have both been unfaithful, and we are dealing with it the best we can. We throw digs, say nasty things to each other. In April of 2012, my 15-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer (non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma). For my family it was the worst thing we went through. As with all tragedies, something has been gained. Value of life, truth and facing the fact that life is uncertain, it is fragile and all we have is each other. It would be easy to give up, walk away. But honestly, why go with some other jerk? (lol) Life is about working hard for what you want, and fighting for what you don't want. I don't want to share weekends, holidays, or miss out on milestones I may not be around for. Revisit why you feel in love in the first place. Go to concealing, anything to not divide your family. Kids deserve it -
A very Bad choice
My beautiful sister married a man 13 years older than her. She was just 20, and he was 33. He promised her a honeymoon in Rome and gave her a diamond. Six weeks later, he took it back as he could not make the payments. Went to Niagara Falls instead. My parents begged her not to marry him. The handwriting was on the wall. She refused to see it. He hit her many times. They had serious money problems that we, her family, had to bail her out of. When she died last November, her son called me and asked if we could help pay for her funeral. Her husband, now 83, goes to her grave everyday and cries ( just like he did when his mother died, treated her horribly too.) I have had a front row seat all these years and miss her terribly. I am so sad for the life she could have had but she would always say, she took a vow on her wedding day. When people who love you tell you not to do something, please keep an open mind and listen. They really do have your best interests at heart. I miss her so..... , -
Try to avoid the irritations in a marriage.
When I first met my husband, he'd smoke like a smoke machine had gone off. When I got pregnant, it was time he smoked outside. He agreed and started to do so; that was a good result to a small problem. So, by the time our daughter was born, the house was clean and the smoke smell gone. He has a second irritant I put up with, I really don't let this one bother me now, but his idea of taking my washcloths and cleaning his shaving up with them was just too gross for me at one time. So, I now put my washcloths up in my cabinet. He no longer smokes like a smoke machine or uses my washcloths. Here's my last one: he repeats himself a lot, so I deal with that by telling him nicely that you've told me that already. He'll say, oh I did? Yes, but thank you for reminding me. He usually stops the repeats for a while. I love him and dealing with and resolving some of our problems makes our marriage quite nice. -
Blindsighted!!
I met my now ex-boyfriend where I worked. He was shy, but I found out he liked me so I made the first move. We had so many things we shared, I thought I hit the bull's eye. We had fun doing all the same things together and we enjoyed each other's company, we moved in together, because I thought we'd have a future together. WRONG!!!!!! As soon as he moved in (after us being together for 3 months) He changed. He paid more attention to his computer than me. We never ate together, watched TV or went anywhere ever again. I spent a lot of lonely time by myself. He has to have everything his way and he never compromised with me on anything. So after too long being and feeling lonely, I kicked him out. Glad I did. Boy was I blind sighted!!!! -
A date with all the bad signs of the future
Hi Judge Judy, I have been courting a man for a couple of years, little things started going on which I set aside as perhaps he was trying to impress me. Like whatever I said, he had a story that went one better than mine, so he always got the last word. Then after a couple of dinner dates, he ate like a slob, leaving food stains on his face, what a sight. The worst is he always picks his nose, now I never would let him see my family like this. He is a guy who knows everything, whatever you have done, he did it better. I thought with time I could change all these things but well you guessed it...it got worse and he took offence about what I had to say. I wanted so bad to go out to a place to eat and then go dancing, well he broke the camel's back to speak, he said that was a waste of money and time. I then thought it was time to get out of this thing and he took it bad. I broke it off; best thing ever. I am now happy again. -
How our marriage lasted for 50 years...
Sure things looked and seemed better during courtship and the first few years of marriage, but later when you looked at your spouse and wondered why you married him, then you look in the mirror and see the reason. As we aged together, got crabbier and more short tempered with each other, the making-up later was well worth it! We would go days without speaking to each other, over some silly thing that we didn't agree on, and then suddenly we both remembered why we married each other - love, comfort, comradship, joy of sharing, our children and pets and just being two halves of a whole relationship! And the making up was wonderful, and we would feel like newlyweds all over again and this went on til he passed away from cancer after 50 years and 1 month of wedded bliss! Now he has been gone from my life for a little over six (6) years and I miss him so much, and if I could have him back, I would still take him with all his annoying habits and the things that used to upset me!!! -
Ray of Sunshine
My partner and I have been together 31 years. We own a home together, and he is as charming today as he was when we met. Our saving grace is that we never married (he was married 3 times prior!). It is our opinion (not the "royal" our) that people *do* change once that ring and legal paperwork are added to the mix. It's not always candlelight and roses for us - it's very hard work to keep a relationship intact. One "tool" we utilize is when an argument gets too heated, one of us yells really loudly, "BANANA!" - at that point, the argument is deemed "un-win-able", and we leave the fight in the dust and move on. Bottom line is: If you can imagine your life without the other person in it, leave and don't look back. As for us, we *still* hold hands on the couch while watching TV, and *still* complete the Sunday NY Times crossword. I am NOT amused, however, when he shushes me because I'm talking over your judgements (the man's a Judy junkie), but I get over it. -
Perfection Granted!
By the time I was 22, I had one child and was sick of all men's crap. I SWORE off picking my own and told the heavens I'm done choosing my own and if it's meant to be, the spirits would tell me who was Mr. Right. Well...three months later my sister and I finally went out for a night of dancing and we saw two men eyeballing us on the other side of the room. I looked at my sister and suddenly said "I'm going to marry him a year from now". He moved in after our first 'real' date and never left. My sister and I laughed quietly for a year about what popped out of my mouth that night but three weeks short of that year we got married. He's been Mr. Perfect ever since. That was the night Elvis died and the "Choice" was perfect. (But I did tell him if he didn't like the way I DID things don't let the door hit U in the butt on your way out the door) Seriously!!! He really has NO bad habits. It's been wonderful! My angel has supported us and never ask for anything for himself. -
Money is for Spending
When I met my husband he had no savings, he owned a new car and had a good job but believed money was for spending. He also had a horrific bedroom, so messy!! After nearly 30 years of marriage, I have secret stashes, one he knows, others he doesn't. We have extreme money problems because he can't stop spending! He has retired, we have an enormous mortgage and I have just been laid off. Stressed? YES! Also, my house is a larger example of his bedroom of years ago. I clean a room, he sees a space and he fills it with 'Stuff'. *Sigh, but I love him, and he is a good man. Just messy and poor. We have 5 children and they are happy, 2 of them married and 2 moved away. We have one at home and I think I can make it the rest of the way from here but..... EEEEK!! -
Living with a family from another state.
My husband is from West Virginia. I am from South Carolina. We met when he moved from his home state to here to find work. We have been together for over 22 years, through thick and thin we have managed to deal with each other's quirks and pet peeves, but the one thing that has really, really, gotten on my nerves so bad that I have to leave the room when ever it occurs, his and his family's bashing on my home state. They talk about how bad this state's people are stupid, and the education systems is so bad. I just want to scream, " If you have it so bad here, why don't you just move back....no one ask you to move here!" I love my home state. It really tees me off to hear someone else, bash my hometown. My husband included. -
Endlessly repeats the same stories and jokes
What happened to the man I thought was so funny and interesting? He repeats things so many times it is just not possible to believe he doesn't know he's told me that many, many times. The only way to deal with it is to be patient and let him tell his story. The jokes are particularly hard to deal with because he laughs while he's telling them and I don't know why he's laughing because its not and was never a funny joke to begin with. With the jokes, I will tell him - with a smile - that I've heard it "too many times." I think you have to be kind. It can be very trying and tiresome and I don't think there is anyone in the world and never has been who would tolerate me repeating myself as much as my husband repeats himself but what's the alternative? Make him feel like a bore? In a marriage, you have to put up with some things and be kind. -
Too Much TV
When I met him all those years ago, I felt it was love at first sight. I did notice that he seemed glued to the television a LOT. I mentioned that sometimes I liked listening to music and that I felt TV diminished conversation as well as brains--his response was "I've always been like this--even as a kid." In other words "don't mess with me on this". If he would see me out of the corner of his eye leaning over to speak, he would "appear" to be very interested in whatever was happening on the tube. I called him on it. The bad acting stopped. The TV stayed on. After our day at work, we would eat dinner in front of the TV--I tried the kitchen table and he would pout, making it miserable--even when I said maybe just ONE day a week at the table--it was utter misery- not worth it. We've been married a long time. Our daughter grew up not talking much with her too remote dad and I feel very isolated from him much of the time. Red flags were there. Wish I'd heeded. -
Marriage is Work!!!!
I started dating my wife when she was seventeen and married her at 18. Sounds young and crazy and it was. But instead of giving up, we geared up. I have had to change so many things over the last thirty-seven years but so has she. "For better or worse," who would have thought. Our mobile home burned down six months after we were married, lost everything. I had an emotional affair, five years of work recovering her trust. She and I both suffered depression, she was molested by her uncle at 15 and I was fired from my job, didn't give up. Our second child was arrested for embezzling from a bank and became pregnant, not our fault but many ups and downs. I had sleep deprivation for seven years, crazy time. Had anger issues due to sleep problem, went to anger management and other classes. She wanted to leave but didn't. Moved 10 times, had four children, and never made more than fifty-four thousand. If we had reason to quit, it was us. But we said, "Til death do we part," and we meant it. -
Beware of Flying Ashtrays!
Some friends set me up with their cousin. I was coming out of my first, 20+ years of marriage and they thought we would be a good match. And in the beginning, it was good. I was wooed and won and we did what I liked to do. And it was passionate too. But...one night we went out to a big party at his lodge, we both drank a lot. Wrong thing to do. We went back to his place, got in a huge fight (over what I don't recall), he got really pissed at me and threw a heavy ashtray at me! If I had been thinking, but I wasn't, I would have grabbed my dog and left! Pronto! But some months later we got married, had a few more good times too. But I was not allowed the freedom I allowed him. Since he was older, 20 years, and retired I did not want to come into his life and make big changes. He wanted control and every time I did something alone I was accused of cheating. If there's one thing I can't stand it's a leash! Wedlock lasted 14 months and now I'm alone, leash-less and I'm HAPPY! -
Investigate first, ask questions later!
When my husband and I met online, I owned my own concierge business part of which did private investigating. I have a son and before I let a nut come into our lives, I asked him to email me a copy of his drivers license. He was understanding and complied with my request. I ran a full background check before I would give him my number! It may seem extreme but if we were all very cautious before we jump into a relationship, I hate to say it, but Judge Judy wouldn't have a job! I have been married for almost 7 years now and he's a great step father to my son. Judge Judy tries her best through other peoples hardships to advise the public on how to keep from getting in the same situation, problem is, people just won't listen! -
Tolerance
Having contemplated starting this story with, "Judge Judy, you have no idea," I realized you probably have every idea. What a wonderful wealth of information you must be. The idea of pet peeves is an interesting discussion. For me, dealing with "irritations" has been a lesson in tolerance. When I find myself ready to pull out my hair because my husband's sink grows hair, or his late night cooking leaves my kitchen a mess, and even though I will continue to complain about it and much of the other things I will not bore you with, I think that to contemplate ending this relationship over ridiculousness would be a poor reflection on the love I truly have for him. If one's love is strong enough, one can tolerate idiosyncrasies. As you know, life is a balance. Things are up and down, good and bad, happy and sad, etc. If there is enough good, it balances out the bad. Thank you, Judge Judy for educating the masses. Your work must be very satisfying. -
Royal Pain After A Few Years!
Like Judge Judy said, what was cute and adorable when dating becomes a royal pain after a few years. I have a husband that can not figure out how to load the dishwasher. He claims to never know whether the dishes are clean or dirty when they are in it. Not a difficult thing to figure out if he was so inclined. I used to think it was endearing because he didn't want to load it. Now I realize he knows exactly what he is doing.. I will do it and he doesn't have to because he acts like he can't figure it out. What a scam artist I married!!!!! -
My soulmate.
I married at the age of 18, he was 21. He was the love of my life. For the want of a better phrase, we were 'comfortable' with each other. We had some ups and downs, but stuck in there through it all. After 34 years of marriage he died of cancer. I truly miss him each and every day. Oh by the way, we spent the biggest part of our married life not only living, sleeping, eating and laughing together, we also ran a business together, worked at a dealership together and the last 4 years of our life together was with each other 24/7. Will never find another like him and don't even bother looking. He was Mr. Right and it was true, trusting love. -
What Happened to the Man I First Met?
I'll tell you a story about my husband...The man that I met 8 years ago. He was caring, loving and would help out a lot. Now four kiddos later that man seems to have gone missing. I often wonder where he went. I find myself being a mother of four kiddos and a 28 year old child. It is constantly cleaning ,laundry and many others things that are needed to be done. I used to have a partner that helped with it all..but he has seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth..We have tried doing family chore charts for everyone in the house. But it only worked for a short time. I beg and plead for help..but get nothing in return.. Judge Judy..please tell me how to get that man that I met 8 years ago back!