Episode 3

Do You Have a Sock Money Marriage?

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You took the leap; you got married. Now what about the money? Do you keep everything separate or try your hands at a joint account?  Maybe it’s a little of both. My grandmother Mary called it a "knipple"; my husband called it “sock money”. Tell me what you call it, and share your story.

Your stories

  1. 2 incomes, 2 accounts

    by Gigi
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  1. 2 incomes, 2 accounts

    by Gigi For many years, my husband and I had one joint checking account. Recently we've been using two joint checking accounts. Both of our names are on each account but one is for his income and one is for mine. He pays one set of bills and I pay one set. This works really well for us and keeps us both current and involved in our finances.
  2. Lies, Darned Lies, and Statistics

    by Jade Women! When going kayaking, yes, you go to have fun and you do it of course trusting that nothing will happen, but only a fool with a death wish would go without a life jacket. It's the same for separate savings. I had a perfect husband for 5 years, but now the same man is changing to something else. We are working through our problems and will almost certainly stay together and he'll change back, but I am gathering money from every paycheck nonetheless. It's nice to have a gift or rainy day fund, but don't ever spend all of that money; even without divorce you have death, disability, pregnancy and other changes. In all of these it is usually the woman who suffers. Even if you are working, you may not keep your job after pregnancy. Remember, savings are split in a divorce and can be seized for debts, keep the money in a safe deposit box in a new bank from the ones your spouse knows. Put your birth and other documents in there too and don't have statements sent to your home.
  3. Rainy Day Fund

    by Ms. G I call it a "rainy day fund". I've always had one for myself and i have always used for either Christmas gifts, unexpected/emergency events, and once I used it to leave my ex-husband, find and apartment and pay for the divorce proceedings. It's a great thing to have and I find ways to make it not too painful to have, a few bucks here and there and next thing you know, you have a decent amount. I also try not to count or know how much I actually have, I do this so that I surprise myself by how much I was able to put away and also so that I don't get tempted to buy things just because I have the money. I also tap from this money in order to donate/contribute to charities without the use of a credit card, it feels good to give back when you have the means to do it.
  4. Keep a Knipple

    by Penni I am a saver. My husband is a spender. I have found that I am more comfortable... and a little less nitpicky... when we have a little extra lying around. We have a joint checking and joint savings and investments. I also have an extra little savings account that is just in my name. My husband knows that it exists (we have no secrets) but he pretends it doesn't exist because he knows it makes me happy to have a little something stashed away in case we need it. I save his change from the dresser, cash back points from our credit card and little odds and ends that people feel the need to pay me to do in that account. I have used it several times to make a down payment on something for the family, pay for an extra adventure on vacation and on occasion for groceries and bills or the unexpected car repair when necessary. Once I used it to pay a business expense to float before a client paid. He just smiles and pats me on the shoulder and considers himself lucky to have me. :-)
  5. Helping out the kids...

    by Sharona I always try to have a little money on the side. As my mother called it, "The cashun". My daughter keeps one also. It really comes in handy when one of the children needs a fast loan and doesn't like to ask their Dad. He's the type that always reminds them how much they owe him, every time they come to visit. They always pay me back when they can without a hassle from me. So, "sock money"? You bet!
  6. Giving without Taking

    by Bonnee My husband and I have been marri ed for 24 years. We have a joint account that runs the household, and we each get an allowance when payday comes around. From that allowance, we can save "stash money" for personal items that we want but don't contribute to the family. But also, this money is used for Christmas and birthdays for each other so we never feel like the other person has contributed to their own gift. I think it's a great idea. My husband likes to personalize his truck. My hobbies are knitting and spinning my own yarn. So we can buy things for those hobbies without feeling we've taken away from the family or taken from family expenses.
  7. $1,000 Secret Safety Net...

    by Laura I keep $1000 in a secret place in the house where I believe my husband would NEVER find it. I don't know what I would ever use it for but I just know I should have it...for good (or bad?). If my husband ever found it...it would be appear to be highly suspicious to him seeing as he is the "bread winner" of the house, and I contribute more domestically. His 50th birthday is coming up. One day this summer, we were tearing the house apart looking for a remote to the A/C. Low and behold...if I don't walk into the room where the money was hidden to find him standing there with it in his hand with this complete look of shock on his face!! I jumped into action and said..."Oh!!! Now you've ruined it!!! It was supposed to be a surprise!" He asked..."What surprise?" I said..."Read the front of the envelope!" There in BIG LETTERS was.... "JOHN'S 50TH BIRTHDAY" (wink...) Like I said..."safety net"
  8. Some Sharing ... but not all

    by Margarita I believe separate individual bank accounts and one joint account for the household expenses is the best option. Both contribute equal or proportional amounts into a joint account to pay mortgage, food, utilities, etc. and the balance is for each other's personal wants and likes. I like some independence at all times.
  9. I am not stupid, I know how to save.

    by Regina Quick story, I have always been a saver. My husband has not been. We have been together, now going on 20 years. My husband never questioned where my side money went. I was able to purchace a much needed car, we went on really nice week long road trip vacation, all 5 of us, and when necessary we had money for emegency car repairs. If the money is saved in secret for the benifit of the family, then I see no problem.
  10. The Stash!

    by Alex My fiance and I are basically married. Been together for years now, live together, the works. We share all of our money. We have seen other couples that don't join their money and if the other wife or husband is struggling they just say it was your money and your bills to deal with. I on the other hand am against the so called stash because I feel that some people use it as a way to save money in case they need to leave you. Now I personally feel that if you need to have back up money then you should not be with that person because if there is enough doubt for you to go out and put money aside, then leave. You are not giving them your hundred percent so why stick around?
  11. Frozen Cash

    by Lee Ann I had a friend that would write her check for $20 more each time she went to the grocery store and she would wrap it in aluminum foil and put it in her freezer to hide from her husband. I thought that was stealing from him, until my "perfect" husband left home one day after 22 years and never came back. I had no food in the pantry, no toiletries, and I had been out of work and on disability but had not received my first check. It was a week later when the phone company, electric company, and the mortgage company started calling for payments. I was about to flip out, but thank God my first disability check arrived and it was large enough for me to catch up on all the bills. My husband had not paid the pills for three months saving money to leave. I stocked my pantry and bathroom and then watched my pennies. Three years later he knocked on the door to come back. I slammed the door in his face. I am remarried and yes I have sock money!
  12. Protection money is more like it!

    by Ann Being a gay couple living in a radical red state, we don't have the luxury of marriage (but a topic for another day), so we do a 'Yours, Mine & Ours' banking approach. We both maintain personal accounts (and credit) but also have joint accounts for 'household' expenses/savings (for travel, large shared purchases, etc.) Neither of us can 'question' purchases made from personal monies/accounts, but have a mutual say in anything 'shared' (furnishings, vacations, meals, etc.) This also, of course, provides protections should - God forbid - the relationship breakdown.
  13. Married to Secrets!

    by Tracy Both myself and my husband have been married before. However we dated in high school and we took different paths but it was just a path back to each other 30 years later. I don't know all that went on while he was married before but he carries a lot of things inside that are very hard to deal with. Secrets are the main problem.. He doesn't join me into anything which should be open between Husband and Wife. Biggy... He hides money, tells me I am spending too much but when he spends he just does. He does the checking account and I don't know a thing unless I get on line and look myself. I will go to the store and he will call me wanting to know why I spent the amount I did. He tracks my spending and knows before I get home with online banking. I am not working right now and receive a small unemployment check and it is direct deposited in our only account as far as I know he may have others. It's like a Hoarder, but only with certain things including the finances. I'm tired of asking.
  14. Financial Identity

    by Emily In my experience, joint accounts worked for "joint expenses" and personal accounts worked for "personal expenses". I have seen couples who have combined everything over the years (usually in "his" name or "thier" names) and after splitting (either through divorce or death) "she" is left without a "financial identity". I believe that joint accounts are great for household finances, but each individual should have a personal acount and/or credit card that helps maintain an individual's "financial identity". You never know when you may need to have a credit score that is YOURS!
  15. Sock money treats!

    by Brenda Litterally YES! I spent 24 years in a marriage where my ex husband controlled every dime! I am now in a relationship with someone who spends LOTS of money but also saves and pays bills responsibly. I "sock away" bits of money weekly, and when I have a nice sum, I start looking for a special something to spend it on...sometimes for a special treat for myself, and sometimes a treat for someone else. Two years ago, after socking away for 18 months, I treated my new guy, my two adult kids and 80-year-old mom to a five-day cruise! Nobody really knew until then how I managed to pay for it. Now they are all "sock people" and we are planning another family trip!
  16. Share everything!

    by Monique We have been married 34 years. We have joint accounts and have had only minor problems. Prior to my fiftieth birthday, I began putting money away for a celebratory trip which cost about two grand. When the time came for the trip, I told my husband that I was going to Peru and had the money. He was aghast and jokingly accused me of " stealing" from the family. I went on the trip and we laughed. I used to manage our money until we switched almost exclusively to online banking. Now my husband is in charge and monitors daily. He knows about whatever I spend and sometimes it bothers me. It hasn't changed me but I don't like his questions. Now I take out lots of cash and spend cash. That has solved his " tracking" of me.
  17. It's a gamble (literally!)

    by Roline A friend of mine did just that. She saved and saved over the years, they fell on hard times and she wanted to share and surprise him to lessen the burden of money. So. ....no sooner did she show him the money than he thought to gamble with it. He thought he could triple it. Well turned into a HUGE argument, and she lost the fight and savings...
  18. Sock Money Respect

    by Maggie's Mom My husband and I were both married before. In his previous marriage, his money was never his. He took his paycheck home, and his wife decided how to spend it. If you have been married before, you always carry some baggage with you from one to the other. We decided to both have our own accounts but split the bills and this worked out fine for us. We were both named on our accounts, but each respected each other's checkbook.
  19. My Two Cents

    by Michelle Do you really want to decide for another person or have another decide for you what you can & can't do or have in your life based on the cost? Some things are priceless to us; yet, what if your treasure is someone else's trash? Personally, I find it awkward to pull gift money from a shared account too.
  20. My Money

    by Gina I have always put money away from each paycheck so when I didn't get paid while staying at home with the kids, I decided that I would keep saving from the 'housekeeping' money. I desperately needed a holiday and I would never have one if I didn't save. My husband's mantra was and still is, "I worked for this money; I am going to spend it". That meant there was never any money left for unexpected circumstances.. or holidays. I started saving in my 'secret stash' and then, the unexpected happened and I had the money. After many occurances like this, my hubby realized I had a secret stash, so I started another one. That way he would know I have some put away but not all of it. Recently, our new adopted dog was injured and there was not enough money in the 'stash' but I had the $2000 in my secret stash and paided the bill. Now I am starting all over again. After 25 years of marriage I still have not had a holiday. One day I will, I just keep saving. We have his and my money, no joint accounts here.
  21. Marriage still means you are two people.

    by Sara It amazes me that any woman would want to merge her money into one account/share credit cards etc. You think love is for life but when it goes wrong, 99% of the time turns nasty. You hardly ever hear of a couple shaking hands at the end of a relationship saying ''Ah well, sorry it didnt work out..I had a great time!'' Even if you are married with children you should still have your own independence. Before i divorced my husband (no kids, my choice) I always kept everything seperate financially. This meant a quick cheap divorce. I'm with a great guy now (ten years) .His finances were in a terrible state as a result of his previous marriage and he went bankrupt two years ago. My house is paid for. It's mine. He will never be on the deeds and if anything happens to me the house goes to my niece and nephew in trust. I won't sign for anything for him/ loans etc. He pays rent and utilities every month which is only fair. I'm not a charity. He has a great job now. We are happy and my cash is safe!
  22. My Nana calls it the "what if" fund.

    by Lisa Ever since I was a little girl, my Nana (the 5 foot Italian) would always tell me...be smart, go to college, get a great job, marry a nice family man who treats you well and get yourself a "what if fund." I asked my Nana, what's a what if fund? She said....what if your marriage doesn't work out and you throw that stupido out and he leaves you with nothing...you can tell him "#$%^&# honey I got plenty!" Love my feisty Nana.
  23. His, Mine & Ours

    by Trina I married less than a year ago at age 49 to a wonderful guy who's just a couple of years younger than me. Neither of us have children, nor do we want to have them. Over the years, I've accumulated a nice little nest egg from various real estate deals. My husband unfortunately was wiped out from a divorce. Having never been married before, I wanted to have a pre-nup and he obliged. It was a difficult conversation to have, but necessary. My motto is "plan for the worst, but hope for the best." We each have our own checking accounts, plus a joint account, where he transfers money for household bills into & I'm in charge of paying them. We generally split all household expenses fairly equally. We both have our own savings accounts that we contribute to automatically each pay day. Once the bills are paid, the savings are saved, anything left over is ours to spend as we wish. This arrangement works for us.
  24. Don't be caught without extra pocket money

    by Daniela When I got divorced, I was without money or any help and being from a different country, I didn't know where to turn. I quickly learned what I had to do to survive. That being said, when I remarried I sold my home and that money is actually mine. I will help out with major buys, but I will never sit again without any cushion. I learned it the hard way. I don't think that you have to share every penny with your spouse. I wish some of the people who are in this situation will learn from it. Keep a safe cushion ($) just in case.
  25. Mixing it up

    by Jennifer From the start of our 16 year marriage, we had a joint account for general expenses (rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, gas) and our own checking and savings accounts for anything over and above the necessities to spend or save as we chose. And we put 20% of our income into an emergency fund, in my name only (as I am the saver and my husband is the spender). In emergencies over the years, we have been able to scrape by because we had an emergency fund. This allowed us not to rely on credit for emergency fixes. We are now debt free except our mortgage, and life is challenging but manageable.
  26. Responsibility.

    by S. Miles Financially, I am the less responsible (putting it mildly) one in my relationship. I do not, and will not, place my partner in jeopardy due to any less-than-bright actions regarding money, and I would HATE to see him harmed because of me. As a result, our finances and our living situations are entirely separate; five years later and we're stronger than ever. Our situation is pretty unique, but it presently works for us. He has saved dilligently to build a hefty savings for himself, and, even if we were married, I'm not entitled to any of it.
  27. by Bridgette I've never been married at 43. It didn't stop me from taking cash and shoving it in my underwear drawer for things I wanted. I considered it my "Boyfriend" money because I would imagine that he would be paying for the manicures and pedicures and deep tissue massages that I like to have regularly. A friend told me that I was indulgent. I figured if I didn't do it for myself no one else would either. Therefore, if I was married I know I'd hold a little something back to keep my freedom and not feel like a child. If I got manicures before getting married I'd certainly want them afterwards. I also like to travel when I can afford it. The "Boyfriend" money I stash away helps. Ladies married or not. Keep your own cash available that you don't have to explain to anyone. Just my FYI.
  28. Mad Money

    by Kenya I have what I call, Mad Money. My husband and I have joint accounts & separate accounts. We started out in the beginning with all shared accounts, but that came to a head. We decided it was ok to have separate accounts and keep the joint account for bill paying. Now, that being said...even though my husband knows I have another account, he doesn't know how much I have in that account. I call it Mad Money because it gives me a sense of comfort to be able to go into that account to buy a nice pair of shoes when I am Mad, mostly at my husband, and make myself feel better. Also, my nana told me...Never tell your husband about all your money!
  29. My Stash!

    by Irene Both my husband and I put cash aside. We don't do it for spite or any other reason then we both like to have that accessebillity, when needed. For me, I always had to beg for a few pennies in my previous marriage. In my husband's case he grew up watching his father working and his mother handling the finances. We understand each others needs and are okay with our Stash.
  30. Sock money as fun money

    by Laura When we got married, we did do joint accounts. Now that we have been married for 6 years, extra money earned (like from freelance work) we put into our own accounts. That money isn't needed for our monthly budget and that is our "fun" money to buy some extras with. From our main jobs, we spend money on the monthly utilities, put extra towards our student loans and mortgage each month, but we don't buy any "extras" when we shop. We stick strictly to our shopping list and buy only the necessities.
  31. Hidden money...YES

    by Sandy I have to hide money from my husband. If not, he would probably want to spend it! It's sad but true! I hope he never finds out how much I really have because I tell him I'm broke and don't have money to do anything :/
  32. Sock Money Marriage? Yes/No? Depends on the spouse

    by Kim I think it depends on who you married to. I am a frugal person (I have to, I am a single mother), and I would hate my husband to check my receipt & ask why I bought this or that, or what I bought he thought wasn't necessary, like my ex-husband did. Keeping finances separate isn't a bad idea. I have excellent credit history, I would hate it if it's ruined by my partner. My ex-bf was a gambler (we live in Las Vegas) & a spender. When we talked about moving in together, he wanted to combine our income, including my son's child support. I didn't agree with that. My son's child support is used to take care of my son & his needs. A good man would tell me to save my son's child support for my son's college instead. A sock money marriage isn't for everyone, and not a bad idea either. Again, it depends on who you're married to.
  33. Co-mingled beyond all recognition

    by William The idea that individuals in some marriages have this "sock money" frankly surprises me. I have just celebrated my first year of marriage, and we have been happily co-mingling our money since well before we were actually married (I am sorry to say in spite of your persistent advice to do the contrary!). My rationale for this is that I think in order to wholly love someone, there must be absolute trust, which naturally leads to the sharing of money and assets. I give this trust absolutely, which granted does open me up to being taken advantage of potentially. However, my ethos is that I'd rather give my absolute trust and be betrayed, than to be reserved in giving my trust where reservation was undeserved.
  34. Share money

    by Donna When my husband and I got married, I closed my bank account and we put my name on his bank account. We had a checking account and we opened a savings account. We saved to purchase a house, had a huge garage sale to help with the down payment. When we purchased a house a little over a year after marriage, we also purchased life insurance for both. Lets face it, at that age, 25-29, it was pretty cheap. 4 years later, when I became pregnant, I opened a separate "baby account" to help pay for the hospital bill and anything that we would need. It helped that his mother watched our daughter four days a week, and my husband and I both had full time jobs. 21 years later, we still have a joint checking and savings, but I do have to say, we are the only couple on his side of the family that do!
  35. Not exactly a secret stash...

    by R. Marks I have been married 22 years and have been a stay-at-home mom for 19 years (with 6 children). We have joint accounts. If our finances allow it, I buy what I want without guilt. The same goes for my husband. I will set aside a little money so that we can use it for our wedding anniversary or for Christmas, but he knows that I usually have something set aside. He never asks for any of it. I'll just say, when it comes to our anniversary (for example)... "I set aside some money throughout the year...let's go to a bed & breakfast for the weekend!" He keeps track of our finances. While our arrangement is not for everyone, our clear "roles" in the house have made it a happy home with less stress and rarely ever a disagreement with money issues.
  36. Saving for a rainy day, money!

    by Karen I just began saving just in case I need some extra money. My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years and the problems come and go. Recently, I have felt the need to begin saving. He is changing and I am getting nervous. Ironcially, I am receiving a bit of money he does not know about. Do I feel guilty? Sure I do. But I just have woman's intuition lately that this is what I need to do.
  37. Hiding Money

    by Brad I have asked this question to a lot of my friends and most of them had different answers and reasons. I feel that if you're going to be putting money away for emergencies or for vacation. I think you should share it with your partner. They have every right to know. I told my partner. I just won't share the location or it would be gone in a day. He understood why I hide money. I just explained it's for retirement or emergencies.
  38. I like a mix.

    by JudgeJudyFan In my first marriage, we had the house in both our names and that was it. We each had a car, had our own separate bank accounts and our own separate credit cards. It turned out to be a good thing; the divorce was financially simple. In my current, second marriage, we have a mix. We each own a house in our own names and we each have what we call our 'mad money' accounts that are in our own names. The cars and the main checking account we use for bills are in both our names. We are thinking of setting up separate trusts as beneficiaries, as we each have kids from our prior marriages.
  39. Seeing It Eye to Eye

    by Barbara After several years of marriage and experiencing death in the family,  we came to see that money in a joint account might be held up even temporarily but the bills would be expected to be paid regularly. We decided that each of us should have a separate account that would have enough funds to float the general household expenses for 4-6 months. We never touched this money to use for personal "mad money" items. I guess we are lucky that we both feel the same way about spending. One time we purchased a car and furniture on the same day. Neither one of us spoke a word on the way home. When we got home, we burst into laughter realizing that each of us had done the same soul searching. We didn't regret what we had done but our reactions were the same. We came to an early understanding that each of us had some independence in purchasing any item under a set amount. In the early 70's this was $100.00 which, at the time was a hefty amount. We both respected this limit.
  40. Security, not sock money.

    by Sharon I have to keep a savings account without letting my husband know what's in it. He is the type man who can't keep a dime in his pocket for more than a few minutes. While he gets everything and anything he wants, I am the one who is looking out for the rainy days or some security. I hate credit cards and I only use one card that is paid off every month. I refuse to give any interest for using their card. There are times when he will ask can we afford to buy something and I say no, even when I know we could. He does not have a business sense nor a future security sense. So I'm looking out for us and I think in the end he will either be happy with the retirement fun we will have or he will be so ticked that he will leave. Either way, I will have fun with or with out him. That's his choice and who knows. Someone may get sick and it might be needed, which is what I have had to dig into because he broke his hip. Thank God for my job and the hidden money!
  41. YES on knipple! You are entitled.

    by Darlene Regardless of marriage, each person should have their own knipple as you say. Not for anything specific, just because you are entitled to it. No one likes to feel totally dependant upon another for any reason, especially about money. My husband recently retired and boy what a change that makes, however at no time in our marriage is it HIS or HERS. it has been ours (we both contributed and we both spend) but being on a limited budget, it is even harder to make sure we each have our own funds...but we do.
  42. No regrets!

    by Barbara Yes, I believe you should have sock money, very important. The reason is: I was living with a man for 7 years (friends with benefits) his benefit. I made all the money, and he just worked when he felt like it. I got so tired of this good for nothing man that I packed my three sons and furniture and left his sorry behind (only one son was his). If I did not have sock money, I wouldn't have had any for the move. Also he would have spent it or found a reason to spend it. I never looked back.
  43. Sock money is a good idea!

    by Melanie It all depends on who you get married to. When I WAS married the first month I could tell that I needed to find many socks to hide money. My ex-husband did like to drink a lot and spent $1,000 a month on alcohol. I knew at that point I was in trouble and needed to hide money fast. I was always raised to be conservative with money. When anyone ever gave me money for birthdays or holidays I would put it in an envelope and save it for a rainy day. To this day I have about $1,000 tucked away in drawers, jewelry boxes, and maybe even a sock or two... I even won a $500 gift card to Bloomingdale’s 4 years ago that doesn't expire that I haven't spent. Being a single mom of two with limited income I will save it for that day when the economy might go really really really bad and lose my job. I might need that gift card for clothes for that job interview. You can call it OCD but you never know when you might need it right???
  44. Gotta Hide It!

    by Tracy I took four years off to raise my son, during which time my husband constantly lorded it over me that I was not working and he was. I explained that with my breastfeeding, cotton diapers (which I hung to dry on a clothesline) and money I would have spent paying for work lunch, transportation, day care and income tax, that I would actually have been working for free or losing money. SO, when I did go back to work upon our son entering kindergarten, I kept some money separate. I explained that I was only keeping back the same amount my husband spent on cigarettes and alcohol each week and that I would use the money to pay cash for a new car eventually. He laughed. It took me eight years but I did pay $22,000 on a car with the money I had saved on my own. He should have been happy but he still gives me a hard time about keeping money separate. Maybe I will save enough this time to buy a small house and ask a smart attorney like Judy to get me a divorce when my son finishes college.

    by ANN

    I give my husband an allowance every week, then I pay bills and try to hide 20. Then, if I have to go somewhere, or need something through the week, or the grandkids sweet talk me into something, he has the stash. I think I need to give myself an allowance. Maybe then, I'll have something to put away! Wait!! I get the penny bank. I just need him to drop something in there. ha ha. In the end, nobody gets stash money much, thanks to our ever so greedy government. Love ya Judge Judy. I think if I were a judge, I'd be just about the same way you are. I just love your honesty. 

  46. The horror stories I have witnessed...

    by Bruce As a long time Mortgage Banker I have seen my share of horror stories when one spouse ruins the credit of the other spouse. Before my wife and I got married 10 years ago we made a concious decision to maintain seperate credit and bank accounts. This has proved to be the best decision we ever made. As we are both in Real Estate and Banking we have had to deal with many ups and downs in our careers in the 16 years we have been together. Because we have kept things seperate we have survived. When her credit was weak, mine was strong. When the financial crisis hit several years ago, and I lost 90% of my income, my credit took a hit and by this time hers had recovered. The point is, by not co-mingling all our finances, we have survived. I think it is imperative that people maintain their own credit and keep co-mingling to a minimum. You never know what tomorrow will bring. With a 50% divorce rate you'll be glad you did!
  47. In the dark without sock money!

    by Carla My husband and I are now separated, but when we were together it was imperative to keep money stashed away. I was a stay at home mom raising 5 kids and he worked and was responsible for bills, but proved to be pretty bad at managing them. I would make money via the internet when I could find something offering cash and also on the side would take the money I would find while washing his clothes. He would never give me cash, so these were my methods of getting it. Saving sock money always came in handy because if I had not had it we would have been in the dark on many occasions because our lights would have been turned off. I finally left him 3 years ago now, but I still keep sock money for emergencies that may occur.
  48. Sock drawer money, you betcha I do!

    by Sandra Well now, I'm a military wife ...and the budget we lived on 19 years ago, ugh ...I think we ate meat twice a week? I was a saver. I lived with my aunt for a year in her basement to save money so I could go to school. When I got married, my husband had never even had a banking account. I'd say, 'we have no money,' and he'd go out and spend our last 16 dollars on McDonalds. With 5 days till payday, half gallon of milk in the fridge and at the time, 3 kids, I sure remember the fight. I remember making rolls of coins. I also remember, being young and poor and that is one thing, when you have children, and there comes a day when you don't have money for milk..that I never want to happen again. So Yes, I skimmed, never stole. I got cremora instead of half and half and pocketed the difference. My gramma did the same thing. I looked at it as skimming (not that I'm a gangster or gambler or anything). I just wanted to always make sure, I had a little tuck, never much, but enough to count when it has to!
  49. Not being honest about money...

    by Jan We have been married 22 years. Anything I buy for more than twenty-five dollars, we talk to each other about. We both do this and have trust and respect for each other. Those who hide money do not have an honest marriage.
  50. Sock money = Escape money! Who knew?!

    by Barb I was dating a man, and he seemed so responsible. He paid for the dates and had a good job. Everything seemed right. I then moved in with him and shortly found out he wasn't good at managing his money. There were overdue bills and overdrawn accounts, and bill collectors constantly calling. I found out that keeping my sock money to myself was a blessing. I then explained to him that he needed to get a handle on his money situation or I had to go. Well he realized I was serious when I left, and he didnt know how (thanks to my sock money!). Well he did get a hold of his bad spending habits, and we are back together and happy. To this day, he still wonders every once and awhile how I did it. Well sometimes things are better left unsaid because I know if I would have said something he would have asked for money.
  51. PAF Fund

    by Patti My husband and I don't keep money hidden from each other as a general rule. We each play a part in all of our financial decisions however I usually keep anywhere from $20-$100 stowed away. He knows about it and jokingly calls it the PAF Fund, which is simply my initials. We use it for little stuff that we haven't budgeted for. I guess it's just a different way of me using my allotted "blow money".
  52. Sock Money Marriage - Yes!

    by Julie Yes I have a sock money marriage. My first husband gambled all our money away and left me flat broke and bankrupt. I swore I would never put that much trust in another man. It's always best to have your own money just in case...and your own credit history
  53. Left High and Dry

    by Anthony I was married 5 years ago. My wife and I had joint accounts. I didnt think anything of it, until the day she left my and took everything! I was left high and dry! Now that I'm on my second marriage, we have joint accounts again, but this time I keep my sock money, so I'm prepared for anything that may come! People need their own little stash because you just never know!
  54. Even Smart Girls Make Mistakes!

    by Dianna I have a great husband who is my best friend. As a professor, I was doing fine money-wise when I met him. However, for some reason -- perhaps because my parents' marriage worked this way -- I let my husband use "his" account to merge into "our" account after marriage. Of course, he didn't mind if I spent money (after all, I was putting about an equal amount in there as well!) but ... he just didn't understand why I was shopping at Macy's for a purse if I already had one. I started to HATE the sound of Quicken being opened (he works in banking and is on top of our finances all the time!). So now I have my own separate account for my "fun money." I use this account for anything not necessary for our everyday living. It's a fair percentage of what isn't spent, saved, or invested. I started the account about 6-7 years after our marriage and I wish we had done it from the start. Even the nicest husband can make a partner feel stressed out when it comes to money choices!
  55. Runny Money

    by Audrey My partner and I have been together for almost 24 years. We still have separate accounts as I am far better at budgeting and paying the bills than he is. We work out the bills, then he pays into my account half of this. I do squirrel away money into little accounts and I call this my "Runny Money" in case I have an emergency or have to get outta Dodge quick HaHa!
  56. Love and Complete Trust

    by Kathy My husband and I have been married 38 years. We have always had a joint checking account and had and still have complete trust in every part of our marriage including finances. I thank God for my wonderful husband!
  57. No sock money that I know of...hmm...

    by Melanie No - it's all "ours" - and I manage it with consultation on big issues. This has worked for us for nearly 30 years - perhaps we are lucky. At least there is no sock money on his part - to my knowledge!!??
  58. Absolutely No Sock Money!!

    by Lucy My husband and I have enjoyed 24 years together. As the years have gone by, we have become closer and our marriage stronger. He has always been the main source of our income, however I have always handled all of the finances. It works for us. We have complete trust, we are on the same page. We discuss everything. We make a point to live within our means. We do not live off credit cards. We have one small car payment, the other is paid in full. We are putting children through college now - so it's more important than ever to be frugal. Hiding money would never work. I feel people get married for the wrong reasons today. Marriage is a huge commitment. You need to trust the person you decide to spend your life with, work with them, love them - faults and all. The benefits of a happy marriage are incredibly rewarding.
  59. Mother of 9, wise words, sock money!

    by Christine My mother told me when I got married to take a dollar or two every week out of your pay & put it aside. Her thought process was that if you needed to buy a gift or needed to get yourself a new blouse or under garments you wouldn't have to ask your husband for the money. It didn't have to be a lot & it was not meant to be spent on something foolish but rather something that was needed outside of your household expenses. I try to put away $5.00 a week for my "little aside" stash & am glad my mother taught me that skill. To her it was a "skill" because she had nine children that she & my dad had to care for. What a good mom I had. I miss her so very much.
  60. A dime in my shoe..

    by Claudia My father used to tell me to keep a dime in my shoe when I went out on a date. These were the days when a dime got a call made on a pay phone! Should anything happen to my bag, or my date!, then I would be able to call him up and he could come get me. My father is gone now, but the "dime in my shoe" remains, only this time it's a bit more, and in my own credit union account. I have a loving spouse and a grown child, and we do share finances and property and child rearing costs; all the major things. But my father also told me that he would be gone someday, and that the only person I could depend on to take care of me, fully take care, was ME. That pretty much goes for him being gone, and God forbid, if everyone I had was gone, including my family, I could go back to that dime and find my way to take care of myself. Something everyone, especially women, I think should learn from an early age: rely on yourself and you'll be just fine.
  61. Sometimes guys need help

    by Neysa I wasn't working when I married my husband, and although we turned his bank account into a joint account, I didn't feel comfortable managing his money. Many overdraft fees later, I took charge of it. In ten years we paid off (with just the money he made) his $40k credit card debt. I got a job later, but it all went into our joint account, and we never fought over money. Sometimes guys need some help. I'm glad our finances were in order when he passed away three years ago.

    by Julie If I made the kind of money where I could keep a "wife ER account" I would. Why not?????? That helps keep us from going CRAZY!! I LOVE YOU JUDGE JUDY!!!!!!! I admire what you have done in your life and how it empowers the ladies of today. Lots of Love, Julie in Addison, IL
  63. GOING TO DISNEYLAND! (thank you sock money)

    by Elizabeth Many years ago, my husband would give me money for grocery shopping. I did not work. I usually managed to set some aside and hide in a sock for emergencies. One day we planned a vacation to take our two kids to Disney Land. We had bought our plane tickets and were ready to go. A few days before our trip, we found out the airline went bankrupt. I don't remember the name of the airline. Needless to say the kids were heartbroken and so was my husband. That is when I told him about my sock money and with it we were able to purchase new airline tickets. I was so happy that I actually had the money to cover the tickets and have the chance to help out financially. My husband was proud of me and I was so happy that I thought of putting some of my grocery money aside. We had a GREAT vacation.
  64. I wish I'd had some sock money!

    by Susan When I married, my new husband and I put everything in joint accounts. He had nothing to lose because he really had nothing. Before having children, he worked several odd jobs; I was the one with a career. I'm a teacher. When kids came, he was the natural choice to stay home and was a wonderful dad. However, being it was a job he didn't want to leave even as kids were getting older. He took care of the house inside & out. Finally, he began to pick up some odd jobs as a handyman and was generally paid in cash. I started feeling taken for granted. He doted on the kids but no longer on me. I felt lonely which is horrible when you are not alone. I sensed something more was not right & began asking about the money he made because I never saw anything added to our account. To make a long story short, when we divorced 2 years ago, I found  out that over our 16 yrs. he emptied accounts & maxed out cards. He couldn't say no & we lived beyond our means. I wish I had been smarter & kept things separate or had sock money!
  65. No hiding here.

    by Doreen My husband and I do not have "his money" or "my money". When we were married 25 years ago this Aug 15, we have always had our money combined. I never had to hide money from him nor he from I. We will always discuss what to do with our money; let someone borrow some, to purchase something, to give some away. It always has been a joint account. We have had very little arguments over money situations. We are tithers and find that God will provide everything we need. Thank you for your ear.
  66. Free at 50!

    by Karen I've been in an emotional abuse marriage for 15 years. We had joint accounts, but he would watch the money. He thought it was his even though I contributed. I knew one day, I would leave him and saved money. That day has come and now I'm 50 and free! I left on my 50th birthday.
  67. No secrets!

    by Jack No one should keep secrets from their spouse. If you're that afraid of being honest with your partner you probably shouldn't be married.
  68. Our Stashes

    by Jerry My wife and I have been married for 30 years and together for 35. We have always had a joint account and all property, (house, cars, etc.), is titled jointly. My wife has been a stay at home mom since 1990. I'm the "breadwinner" and she handles all the finances. For years, I have dumped my change in a jar and when full, she takes it to the bank for cash - hers to spend. I have no issue with this, and in fact we have fun with it. We also both have our "stashes", which consist of cash from various individual sources, (bday, investment profit, xmas cash, etc.). This money is ours to spend as we wish - period. If I want to spend mine on a gun then that is my choice as it's my money - it doesn't affect the household finances. This has NOTHING to do with trust or lack thereof, it's just some "fun money" for us each to play with. We have joint accounts for the household finances because we're married, not roomies.
  69. Socks Come in Pairs

    by Sarah When I married my husband, I had no doubt that we would be together for the rest of our lives - and I never would have married him had I thought otherwise. I'm a strong believer in sharing everything. After all, if I couldn't trust him with money then we'd have bigger relationship issues. So we share everything. All of our salary is deposited into a single, joint account and we save together in another joint account. If you don't trust your partner with your money then think twice about trusting them with your heart (which is far more precious).
  70. Separate but equal

    by Christy My husband I will be married 33 years next month. We have joint nothing. I have my accounts and he has his. We have certain bills each of us is responsible for. If I need an assist on something, he's there to help. When he needs help, I am there to assist. We married when we were older and both well established and mixing accounts never was an option. No secrets here, but this is what works for us.
  71. I should have kept mine in my sock!

    by Michelle Before marriage, I had been able to work for a lucrative financial institution and had great benefits. One of the many benefits was stock options. I had managed, with the advice from my dad, to grow this stock; which was for a retirement account, into a whopping $30k. I was not far into my 20's and was doing very well. Once married, my ex insisted I cash this in for a business investment for him that went belly-up in under 2 years. Do you think he cared? Nope, not one bit of remorse and the only person broke was me! No retirement, now with 2 boys, and now dependent on a man I could not trust with the security of my future. Do not ever let your significant other know what you hold. I think it is human nature to take if you can. Who better to talk you out of your money than your husband (someone you trust). Ladies, listen to me....keep what is yours private. You will be glad you did...
  72. No sock money here!

    by Karen No, I don't keep any sock money. I am lucky that my husband and I agree on money matters. What's mine is mine, and what's his is mine. Just kidding. We share. But good friends of ours keep separate checking accounts and each is responsible for separate bills. So if the wife runs out of money, she has to ask the husband to borrow $20! Ouch. No way that would work for me. I have been married for 22 happy years. And a big part of that happiness is being on the same page in the money department. We believe in paying off everything early and keeping very little debt. Having good credit opens so many doors. We are unusual in that we live way within our means. We both work so we are both contributing. Sounds boring to most people. But it is one of the keys to a happy marriage for us! I've learned alot from watching your show! Thanks.
  73. Stashing money

    by Denise My husband & I are celebrating our 6th year anniversary this week. I truly believe that keeping secrets of any kind from each other always ends in trouble!! We were married a total of 16 years, most of which were very unhappy!!! We told many lies to each other which ended up being one of the major reasons that ended our marriage! This time no lies & no secrets!!
  74. Brady Bunch finance theory

    by Sandra I am 57, and a bit wiser than I was in my 20s and 30s. When I was married, over 20 years ago, we did have a "joint" account that was more ""his" joint than mine. That's the way I was taught by my parents that finances should be in a marriage. But after eight years of fighting over money issues, and a divorce, I would suggest now to anyone in any type of relationship that has a shared household...."put away some for yourself only" in a seperate account. The "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" only works on the Brady Bunch, not in the real world!! We all have to look out for ourselves in life. If the relationship lasts forever, great...then you have extra to share with your mate. If it doesn't, well then you have some for yourself to move on!! You can NEVER go wrong by saving your own money!
  75. Not for everyone...

    by N.W. Ten years ago, I married for the first time at 45. My husband and I each had our own investments [401k and real estate for him,real estate for me}.  We keep our investment money separate and share household & vacation expenses. His friends at work thought it was wierd for us to separate our financial lives. It works out well for us however, we don't fight over money,as there's nothing to fight over. I realize this situation isn't for everyone.
  76. What if I die first?

    by Donna I have a secret bank account with my two daughters' names on it in case I should die first, because  I am afraid of what my husband may dress me in! He loves what ever I wear, that old nightie with the holes and paint stains, the T-shirt with all the bleach and color spats I wear when I bleach my hair....so....my girls will go buy me something for my special occasion hopefully in pink, shoes a half size bigger for comfort...Please, no cheap panty hose! My sister and I are cosmetology teachers. So we have promised to do each others hair.....realizing only one of us will look fabulous.....I hope it's her ! So yes.... I have a money sock for the final box!
  77. Husband doesn't know unless I tell him...

    by Carol After 15 years of marriage with a joint account, it became apparent that it wasn't the way to go. My salary goes into six different accounts that are all in my name only. My husband has no access to them unless I die. Since I am self employed, one account has one year's worth of salary in it in case I get sick or injured. Another account is a savings account for a car. One is an account for health expenses. The other accounts are labeled for various other reasons. My husband's check goes into a joint account. When he pays bills, he just tells me how much more money he needs (I usually pay around half of the bills and supply money for emergency expenses) and I transfer it out of one of my accounts. The joint account never has more than a couple of hundred dollars in it after the bills are paid. My husband doesn't know how much money is in any account unless I tell him. We have been married for over 38 years and this system works well for us.
  78. Someone has to do it!

    by Joyce My husband and I have both worked throughout our marriage. He has always made more of the money. I pay the bills and make out the budget. I am very open with all our accounts and he can see the money at all times. He gets a small allowance to pay for his sodas snacks etc. I get a small allowance for the same. I rarely purchase anything without his knowing. He spends his allowance and then starts taking mine. I take care of everything because he has poor money management skills. We would be behind on everything and have nothing if he were to take over the money. I recently decided that if i died, he may become homeless. So i make him sit down with me and we pay the bills together. We have been married 19 years.
  79. Stash Away For Personal Use!

    by Sarah Back in 08,  my husband of 26 years then, lost his job of 21 years unexpectedly. Since the job situation the year before wasn't that great, a lot of our savings had been used and this put a lot of stress on me. I had recently received two checks as gifts from a long-time friend and immediately used them to help cover our expenses since he stated he was broke. Well, I realized he had a stash and was not contributing in our time of need and here we are four years later and it is obvious that his personal stash has not been depleted. Unfortunely as a result of this along with other issues that were created it has resulted in my lack of trust and faith in him!
  80. 'just in case' money

    by D. I think everyone should have a little money put away. My mother used to say,  "you never know when you may find yourself by yourself." Always have something to start over with. Better to be safe than sorry.
  81. Mom's Mad Money

    by Linda I'm now 63, but I always remember my mom being able to save up enough cash to surprise my father. He was in the mason business, which was sometimes not so lucrative, especially in winter, so there wasn't always a lot of spare cash. He enjoyed going to Florida to see car races, but there never seemed to be enough money. That's where mom's saving came in. She always managed to save a little from the paychecks dad gave her to put away so he could have his trip every few years. At one time, she saved over $800, which in 1970's was a good deal of cash. Her ability to save from virtually nothing really made dad, a hardworking guy, very happy. Dad's been gone for 9 years, but mom (now 85), is still the saver - frugal as she calls it.
  82. No secrets here!

    by Katherine I manage the bills because I'm more comfortable with them, but my husband knows about every penny spent. We both put a little money aside for ourselves and then discuss major purchases. Every 3 months we have a "quarterly meeting" to discuss our net worth and liabilities (currently, only our mortgage thank goodness). We set aside 11% of his before tax income to a retirement plan, contribute another 5% of after tax income to another retirement plan, and save 11% of our after-tax income for emergencies. We have credit cards, but pay the balance in full each month. We don't make a lot of money, especially because I only work part-time, but ironically we're doing a lot better than some of our friends who make a lot more--because we stick to a budget, drive older cars, and spend less than we earn. If you can't trust your spouse financially, you have serious problems and need counseling. There's a definite reason that money issues are the number one cause of divorce!
  83. Smarten up and hide your money!

    by Diana For the first few years of my marriage,I was foolish enough to keep all of our money together,because I thought that's what all couples did...but then I smartened up;) Every person should keep a little "stash" of their own money for the 'rainy day' activities. Then if it doesn't get used I go on a mini vacation or do something extra special for myself (like a day at a spa). And you shouldn't feel guilty about it because everybody needs to be pampered,everyone needs to take breaks from the same ole same ole. Maybe I am wrong,but it has helped me out.Plus if something major goes wrong(like car problems) you have that little stash that you can depend on;)
  84. Happy wife...Happy life!

    by Mary The hardest part of a marriage for me was surrendering my entire check to a joint account. I started to save "secret money". Money used for extras or things not in the budget. It makes me happier. Happy wife...Happy life.
  85. Got Out Before I Lost My Whole Soul

    by Joanne I began saving money in the pocket of an old jacket that I never wore that was hanging in my basement. I wasn't sure why this urge suddenly hit after 3 months of marriage; as I was generally an honest woman who had a joint bank account within a "Christian Marriage" where the hubby made all the final really big decisions. Something inside me prompted this secretive jesture and I told myself that he must never know about the fund as I would eventually bless him by taking him on a world golf tour one day with all this cool reserve I was squirrelling away. I vaguely felt guilty as a new blushing bride, but the truth was there were HUGE issues upon this marriage that I was not willing to see at the time. Today, 12 years later I am divorced and I now realize that part of me knew the truth of the ugliness and that I was in denial about the severity of our situation. It turned out that I only discovered after the marital separation that my husband was hiding half of his paycheck!
  86. Separate is better!

    by JJ Fan I think that it is so important for people in relationships to handle their own bank accounts and have their own separate funds. It's not a matter of distrust, but it makes people feel secure. The number one cause of divorce is money disputes. Separate funds can prevent money disputes and ultimately save marriages. My parents have always handled their own finances, and they have been together for fifty years. Mom pays the utilities and Dad pays for groceries and insurance. They must be doing something right!
  87. Coin changer machine

    by Winnie Hi Judge Judy, I bought my hubby a coin changer machine a few years back because he always had so much change.. Now.. he has quarters all the time in his changer, but I never see the (rolls).. I do see empty rolls in his dresser though.. I also have found a small zipper coin purse relatively full of quarters.. I help myself to them from time to time, but make sure not to take so many so he doesn't notice..haha. He does like to save change.. and I suppose he is cashing it in .. but.. I pick my battles wisely.. meaning.. my husband is a very hard working man.. works full time and a part time job too to help our family.. so if this makes him happy.. then it's ok with me.. :)
  88. It's about trust.

    by Dave My x wife would spend every cent she could lay her hands on, I liked to have a $1000 reserve for emergency purposes, unexpected bills or expenses kind of thing, When she found out I was saving that money she claimed I didn't trust her, and for me trust was not the issue, but rather that I knew her well enough to know if she knew about it she would eventually spend it, After she knew about it, and we overcame the initial claims of no trust, things seemed to be going well until Bon Jovi came into town, she bought tickets to it with the emergency money. We both have very different idea's about just what constitutes an emergency, which is the reason I didn't tell her in the 1st place. Today we are divorced, and she was quick to claim I kept her financially redistricted, the truth is I was always as broke or well off as she was, we shared everything equally, I saved the Emergency $ out of my own side of the budget and we made the budget together each fortnight so we had equal say. Dave
  89. Sock Money - It depends...

    by Carol Think it depends. My first marriage I figured out not too long after that I needed to have easily available 'sock money' but also put money away for retirement. With my second marriage, we have joint everything and I control the bills/savings. So I'm not so concerned about needing 'sock money'. We are pretty open about our spending/savings.
  90. Stash - yes!

    by Robin I have been married to my husband for 33 years now and we have not always had alot of money. We both have worked most of our lives and with raising the kids and all, haven't been able to put much aside but I do put a little away in a pocket of my purse that he does not know about. I only use this for myself, usually when I go to lunch with the girls or to bingo with my sister. I'm sure he puts money aside that I don't know about too. If I don't have any extra cash , he always comes up with some money for me and I ask him where he gets it from and he tells me don't worry about it. We both know that the other keeps a little extra put away and we don't care. I just paid for a camping trip with my daughter and the kids in July because you have to pay half in advance. My husband doesn't know that I have paid for it yet. He is worried about how we are going to afford it. We did struggle through this past week financially but we made it. Wont he be surprised when he finds out that it's paid.
  91. The Best of Both Worlds

    by Janet My husband and I are each other's second spouses so that may have colored how we've set up our finances. We share equally in the monthly household bills and we each put the same amount of money into a joint savings account that is used for vacations and large expenditures on things for the both of us. What's left of each of our incomes is ours to do what we want with. Since I owned the house we live in long before we met, it stays my sole and separate property. I pay all of the upkeep, maintenance, taxes, mortgage and insurance on it. It will go to my benefactor - not my husband - when I die. He gives me the equivalent of rent each month. If he didn't live with me, he'd be paying someone. He's had the opportunity to buy into this house many times over the last 12 years, but has opted not to do so. Ours never was a marriage of finances, so this works for us.
  92. Rainy Days...

    by Melissa One should have "sock money" in case a situation should arise and the relationship goes sour. It's never a bad idea to have extra cash in your possession especially if you are a saver and your partner, a spend thrift. Save for a rainy day for yourself, because it IS going to rain!
  93. Joint AND separate...

    by Larissa When we were together we each had separate accounts, even though we were together nearly eight years and lived together for two years prior. When we bought a place and moved in together, we each had our separate accounts that our wages were paid into and a joint account for the mortgage payments. What we decided was his wage would be put towards the mortgage and into the joint account and mine would go towards bills, groceries, savings and general expenditure. At one point I was transferring extra money into the joint mortgage account for extra repayments on our loan, but I soon learned he is hopeless with money and he was spending it on things (for us both) without telling me.. so back to my personal account it went went. Now that we are married, the arrangement really has not changed.
  94. Flying Money!

    by Christine I'm currently widowed after experiencing two marriages. In both marriages, I never hid any money from hubbys, and as far as I know, they never hid any from me either. However, I do have some experience about the "hidden money" aspect of marriage. My mother always kept hidden money all over our house. She really had no choice if our family (mother, father, me and 3 siblings) were to eat and not forced to run around naked. My father was a hard worker and earned a very favorable income, but most of the time would not make it home with the money after being paid. My mother would hunt him down at his favorite haunts and take the money from him. We were always running across one of our mother's stashes. I remember one incident very vividly. My mother was washing bedclothes one day and enlisted my sister to help her take the sheets off the beds. My sister decided one bed needed the mattress turned too, so she flipped it over and paper money went flying all over the room.
  95. Goal: To one day have my own secret stash!

    by Jennifer My husband and I tied the knot 8 years ago. As poor young adults, me in college and him earning minimum wage, we didn't have much money to hide. So we established a joint account. Since then we have remained fairly low income with all our money going to our 2 young children and getting educated. Only one of us has ever worked full-time at one time, with the other pursuing a degree. I am currently in law school and when I graduate, and pay off my debt, and save up some money for my kids to go to college, and buy that fishing boat for my husband that he has been dreaming about…THEN, I will start my own secret stash of savings! And in all reality, I will probably spend that secret stash money on my then adult children when they find themselves in a tight spot. (Thank heavens for my mothers secret stash!!!)
  96. Keep it separate for peace of mind

    by Maureen My husband has always operated on a "need to know" basis. He decides what I need to know. In 42 years of marriage, I have never known his wages, seen a pay slip, or read his bank statements. Not only do we have separate bank accounts, but we use different banks. I pay bills from my account with money he gives me each month. We split bills. Each month, I manage to to put some of my money I earn in a savings account of which he knows nothing. It gives me peace of mind knowing that it is there for any family emergency and for my holidays.
  97. I'm to blame; I don't hide a thing.

    by Jan My partner and I have known each other for over five years, and we have lived together for over two of those years. We are not married---not because we don't love and trust each other, but because I am a financial disaster. I have no credit, bills out the wazoo, and am struggling with depression, arthritis, ADHD/Inattentive Disorder, and my own irresponsible life. If we married, it would burden him with my financial problems. We are older and committed to staying together the rest of our lives. Perhaps, when I have cleared up the wreckage of my own past, we may one day gather our families and friends together join together in matrimony. We don't rule that out. But, for now, I am to blame for us not being legally bound. I make no excuses. We love each other very much. Few men would put up with me, but he has the heart of a lion, and the faithfulness of an elephant, and the gentleness of a lamb. I can't imagine life without him. I don't hide money or anything else from him.
  98. I threw a fit!

    by Kathy My husband and I were married for 36 amazing years. Early on, we decided to have one checking account and one savings account, just as our parents had when we were growing up. He was the bread winner, and while the kids were little, I stayed home to raise them. He put his check in the bank weekly, and I paid the bills. I was also supposed to sock some money away each week into our savings account. Well, that didn't happen. There was always new shoes to buy, school pictures to order ...whatever. So my husband took over the 'savings part' of our money relationship. He sat me down, and said "I am going to put $350 into the checking account every week. The rest I will put into savings. If we really need it, it will be there to use, otherwise it sits. Judy, I threw a fit...but I did what he asked. I stayed on budget. If an emergency came up, he was right there with the savings money. Now that he is gone, I thank him for giving me that lesson in discipline. Thank you.
  99. Individual is good

    by Lily-Sam I think it's vital to have your own money. My husband and I would give each other the last penny and would never withhold money if needed by the other, but even being married, you share responsibility for bills etc. Just because you are married does not make you one person. Our financial independence is very important to both of us. It's a very personal area everyone should have their own control of, for their own self esteem and worth. I want to be able to buy something for my husband without it coming from the OUR pot. Whether a couple keeps their finances secret is a different matter. It depends on the kind of marriage. I advised my non-earning stay-at- home mum friend who had a well paid partner who paid everything & gave her a generous budget for the household every week, to budget that money & start up her own savings pot so she felt a little more in control etc. She felt it would be dishonest and didn't. They have since split and because they weren't married, she's left with nothing!
  100. All the money is 'his'

    by Linda All the money is "his" so I hide a $20.00 or a $50.00 in my car just in case I'd like to buy him something, so he doesn't see it on the bank card or the credit card. Sometimes you just need a little bit for yourself too.
  101. Bad examples

    by Missy Thanks to my husband's parents and my own parents, we do not keep secrets or money from each other. We both grew up in houses where we constantly heard, 'don't tell your mom' or 'don't tell your dad' and then seeing the end result in blow-ups and mistrust. We have spent our 11 years communicating every purchase.
  102. Hidden Money Vacation

    by Deneen My husband and I have been married for twelve years, and the only way I can save money is to hide it. I take care of all the household bills, and we both make the money. We just came back from a nice vacation that we were able to take because I had been saving the money.
  103. Meet the Cleavers

    by Matt I am a 50 year old never married man. My mother survived my father, but theirs was perhaps an old-fashioned idyllic marriage. Daddy went to work and earned the money and Mama stayed home and raised the kids and kept house. On payday, Dad gave Mom his paycheck. They shared the account so on shopping day, Mama would cash the check. She took an allowance and gave Daddy an equal allowance, and then the three of us kids received our allowance. That money was to be spent however we wished. The remaining was budgeted to pay bills, buy groceries, etc. There were no secrets, and every penny had to be accounted for in our lower-middle income home; Unlike our government, Mama kept us living within a budget and occasionally was able to manage a surprise, or treat. No bills were carried over month to month. We had only what we could afford. But there was an unending supply of trust and love. I've hoped for a woman like Mama. I repeat...I'm 50 and never married.
  104. Third Son

    by Bob When we were young and poor, my wife (Stay at home Mom) took over paying bills and managing the finances. She did a good job, but then it got to be too good a job. Even after the kids were grown and I made enough to be comfortable she continued to give me an "allowance" and manage the rest. I felt like the third son in our family instead of the husband. She doesn't like it at all, but now when I work extra jobs I keep the cash in a private account. Just something to keep my sanity and avoid the hard feelings of being married to "Mom". She's really a good woman and sincere in what she does, just doesn't see that she needs to change this part of the relationship.
  105. joint pocket + own money

    by Nikki In my long-term relationship, my partner would give me what we agreed is her share of household expences (apart from the rent, which we paid in together but separately from the 'house' money), and I managed to feed us, get petrol for the car, etc. She didn't know how much I earn, and vice versa: it gave us the mutual feeling of independence and of respect for each other. Each had separate money to take the other out, to spend for whatever private needs (books, presents for friends, etc.). It worked, because the calculation was based on what we need to spend together, but also because we both earned enough to contribute equally, even if what was left to either of us 'privately' may not have been equal.
  106. Mad Money

    by C. Morgan Yes, I have some mad money cornered away in my desk and in my wallet. My first marriage we had a joint account and when he decided to go his separate way he no longer put his paycheck in the joint account. He neglected to tell me, I paid all the bills - so some of the bounced... Second marriage now - seperate accounts :) I call my stash Mad Money because it makes me Mad if I have to use it.
  107. Partner was so financially irresponsible

    by Margaret I am a single mom and had met a man who I lived with for 5 years. This man proved to be immature and financially irresponsible. He never seemed to be able to pay his half of the expenses and I was always paying more than my share. I grew up in New York and presently live in Australia. Over the years I had put away $5,000 for a trip back home when my youngest turned 18. He always considered it "our money" and often would want to dip into it. I resisted. I had not been home for 10 years and I was looking forward to this trip. He could not go as he could not afford it and didn't want me to go either. He sulked and sulked. While I was gone he bought a $16,000 motorcycle he could barely afford. He said if I was having a "treat" he deserved one too. I went on the trip, had a great time. When I came home I said I had overspent and had $2,000 on my credit card. Every payday I use to "pay off" the credit card and eventually used the money to finally leave him. Best thing I ever did.
  108. Do you have a sock money marriage?

    by Patricia No. I'm lucky to have married a man who isn't greedy, mean or worried about making more money than we need.We have some put away for replacements and a bit to help the grown up kids from time to time. There was a time in a previous marriage when every penny mattered because if I didn't have it to spend on food and bills, it paid for booze. That marriage ended after 14 years and after a few years I married my present husband. Romantic expensive gestures are great, if you can afford them but we discuss the finances and pay off the credit card at the end of every month. This may sound boring but at least we're not tearing our hair out with worry whenever the bills come in! I do have one confession...clothes, shoes and handbags...but I shop on ebay so never pay the full price...and yes I do do the 'Oh I've had this for ages' routine! All in all I reckon we're pretty tight and honest with each other... and aren't I smug? :)

    by KATHY I hid money with my first marriage and I am hiding it with my second marriage. The reason I hide money is because in both circumstances when I want to buy things I always lie about the price(men just do not understand the price of things)of things I buy. If it is a dress and it cost $40.00 I just say look what I found on sale for $20.00 and it saves the arguments.
  110. Hide Money? Never Thought of That.

    by Ruth For almost 46 years, everything has been joint. I'm so lucky it seems. Some years early on, he'd pay our bills, but we both knew what they were and where the accounts were and how much we had. We didn't struggle making ends meet until the kids were teens, but still no hiding of money by either of us. Now in our retirement years, I pay all the bills and manage our affairs. At 75, if my sweetheart tried to hide any money, we'd be in danger of him never finding it again. The only thing I hide from him is that I'm really not listening when he starts talking a blue streak about nothing of interest.
  111. My Stash

    by Joyce I think many of us have Sock Money Marriages and I don't see anything wrong with it! I don't keep it a secret and neither does my husband, but I don't leave it laying around either! If he runs short before payday, he can ask and I will give him whatever he may need, if I have it in My Stash, and he does the same for me, if he has it in His Stash! Good for dinner out, or a treat, or day tripping! It's just the fun money we use for, well, fun!
  112. Like Mother, Like Daughter

    by Susannah After my dad closed his store, my mother surprised him with $25,000 that she'd saved in a private bank account. It helped ease them into retirement. As for me, I keep a small amount of money in a joint account to pay the bills -- but the rest is in a different bank and brokerage account, in a different city, in my name alone.
  113. A joint sock account

    by Edward My wife and I have been Married for 31 years. We have a joint account for bills and we share a joint sock account. We have been this way forever. We listen to friends and relatives speak about money and we hear buzz words like " his" "hers" and it's always made us laugh. Our Marriage has always been about Us,Ours and We. We speak about purchases of just about anything and I know if She would like to buy something for Herself, that makes me happy as well. Our Sock money is used for saving the day more than anything else.
  114. Whats mine is mine and what's his is mine...sort o

    by Jenny My husband and I have been married for 24 years. He makes five times my income, so we live off his money and I save mine in an account with just my name on it but with him as beneficiary. That said, I use money from my account for family extras that we all enjoy...vacations, new furniture, camp for the kids, etc. And, I keep a healthy balance as security should I ever be without his income for some reason. It's a strange set up but it gives me peace of mind and my husband has only once brought it up once jokingly. To which my answer was that while he makes five times the income I do, I do five times the work he does. So, what's fair is fair. We have a very happy marriage and are best friends. I don't think this will ever become an issue and if it does I reassess the situation.
  115. Separate finances works for us!

    by Alexandra My husband and I keep our finances separate, he pays his bills, I pay mine and we don't get in each other business about it. When we go out to eat, I pay in the winter when I am busy and he is slow at work, and in the summer, when my business is slow & his is busy, he pays. It works. Occasionally we make a big purchase, sometimes we split it, sometimes I want to buy it myself, and sometimes he buys. Like I said, it works for us. I have my checking, savings and credit cards and he has his. He has his debt, and I have mine. He doesn't ask me about mine, and I don't ask him about his. We are both very responsible about our own bills, and our own debt.
  116. Separate and together

    by Beverly My husband and I have been married over 30 years. When we first married, the only way I could get a credit card was with him. So my first credit card was Mrs and my last name not my given name and last name. Much has changed since. We have joint accounts in the bank but separate investments as far as retirement accounts. That way if one person gets hit a little hard with the market, hopefully the other can make up some ground. At one point in our marriage, my salary was invested and his was used to pay the expenses. The emergency money we do have we both have access to. We wouldn't have it any other way.
  117. Each couple is different.

    by Betty Ann I am a widow of a 45 yr. marriage. We had 2 joint bank accts with both names, but divided the bills, he paid some and I paid some. It was the only way it would work for us. However, in later yrs when he got sick and became very abusive, I set up a separate secret savings acct so that if I need to escape, I could. I would think the answer to this one, is each couple is different and there is no concrete answer.
  118. Sobering conclusion about shared money...

    by Deborah My husband and I have been married 39 years. After being married for 25 years, I came to the sobering conclusion that my husband would never be able to manage money. After using my savings to keep from having overdrawn checks (I worked for a bank), I decided to let him have the checking account. I took my name off the account, turned it over to him, and let him wreak havoc on his own finances. I have my own account and money to spend on things I want, which never happened when we had a joint account. He makes much more money than I and I still have to bail him out. I learned early on that I could not depend upon him to help me if I got in a financial tight. I have my on credit cards which I use responsibly and my own "sock money".
  119. Just A Bit of Leg Room For The Kids

    by Penelope As our kids get closer to teenage years I have a little pocket of emergency cash set aside for them. They understand that it's not for spending but for getting out of an emergency that they may be embarrassed or afraid to come to me with. It's a little bit of leg room and a step towards developing trust.
  120. Sock money tax benefits

    by Christine We have been married 40 years. Our bank account has always been joint, as is our savings account. At first we were just paying our way but as the years have gone by, things have improved so we now have good savings. We still have a joint current account and savings account but for tax benefits I also have a separate current account and savings account. These are so that we don't pay tax as I don't get enough income to pay tax. My husband also has an ISA in his name, again so as not to pay tax. BUT it is still OUR money not his and mine. I have a spreadsheet that shows the total of OUR money.
  121. I have my stash, and so does he.

    by Jan We have been married almost 43 years, and yes, we have a sock monkey marriage, but not because my husband wanted it that way. I have always handled all of the finances, but I also made sure we both have a separate stash to be used for whatever, without input from the other spouse. I think it goes back to believing a woman needs a little mad money in case things don't work out and if I have a little slush fund, then so should my spouse. Its only fair and its worked for us, even though, for estate purposes, we both have access to each other's accounts.
  122. What if it doesn't work out?

    by Patrice My mother (a PHD psychologist) always told me if you are in a marriage or serious relationship to save $10 a week out of your pay, grocery money etc. Open up a bank account at a bank that your family doesn't use, and get a PO box for the statements to go to. Now if you keep up the habit and have a good marriage you can surprise your spouse with an anniversary trip. If it doesn't work out you have a stash to get away from a bad situation.
  123. Wisdom of the Mother in Law

    by Emma My mother in law proved true to her Scottish roots when she married. Ever careful with money she managed to squirrel away 3 months worth of wages in a little over 2 years! She did this by taking the leftover money from each week's housekeeping and putting it aside. When my husband and I married she took me to one side and advocated this course of action as "the only way to manage a household that contains a man!". I must admit that in the 13 years I have been married have occasionally followed her example and have been able to produce much needed cash at a time of crisis. My main issue with this private stash of money is that it smacks of deception and secrecy...things I am sure you would all agree have no place in marriage! My solution has been an open agreement with my husband to keep some money by for emergencies but that we BOTH know where it is and how much is there! We have joint bank accounts and investments. Everything in a marriage should be open and honest and shared!
  124. Money Stash

    by Arlene My husband use to stash money in an effort to keep it from me. However knowing him as well as I did I could tell he was stashing money because he would tell me he paid this and that and had none left for what i wanted to use it for. Keep in mind I knew what his take home was. Then there was me working second shift in a pizza parlor who would come home on pay day to a dark house with him sitting right next to the door waiting for my money. At any rate I figured out where his stashes were. He had a lot of old books that he said he wanted to hang on to so I started flipping through them and found a hole the size of a dollar bill cut in the center of the book with $400. That was not his only place for stashing he had two more, one which I considered dangerous. One place was in electrical outlets. He would take the cover off and slide the money in the side of the box. The other was he had pulled up the rug in the corner of the closet and he would hide it under there.
  125. Hidden money

    by Pam When I was married to a drug addict/alcoholic, I had to hide money in his AA book in order to have grocery money to feed my children. I knew he wasn't reading it, so it seemed a good place to hide it!
  126. One day, he will thank me!

    by Michele When I married my hubby, I asked him for the money he had put aside to get married. He said he hadn't. I asked him about the money he had in his bank account for savings. He said he didn't. He is an Engineer and made a lot of money and had no bills - his car was paid for outright, he carried balances on his credit card and rented an apartment. That should have been the first warning signal. We dated for 4 years (engaged for 1) - we were both in our 30's. He is a loving, caring man but has no respect for saving a dollar. I have put money aside a few times for emergency things for the family - but not a lot. I am planning on returning to work again and this time, I am opening and account AND working towards investing some of it which he is staunchly against. Someday, he'll thank me.
  127. Saving Him from Himself?

    by Michelle My husband *loves* to spend money on over-priced sodas and energy drinks from the gas station. So, to keep him from spending all his cash, I sneak a few ones out of his wallet every week. Then, when he has a paycheck without overtime, I give the cash back to him. He says, "Thanks, honey! Where did you get that?" I say, "Oh, I don't know..."
  128. Rainy Day

    by Creaky I closed an old bank account due to a disagreement with the bank (their fault, they apologised) and my other half doesn't understand why I need to open a new personal bank account when we have a joint account even though he has a personal account. Since I closed my other bank account he kicked me out of the house and took my cash card to the joint account as I was a student and it was his money. So I had no access to any funds and had to go and stay on my mothers boat in a boatyard without a cent to my name. We have since made up, but that situation really left me up the creek without a paddle, so of course I need my own personal account and my own private/hidden savings because, in essence, some people can only be trusted in fair weather. Also he is a spend thrift and I am frugal so I don't want him to be able to spend my wages willynilly, It's all about trust.
  129. Separate is better

    by Rama We have been married for 30+ years, and we have separate bank accounts. If needed, we help each other with "non-repayable" loans.
  130. Sock Money: 20 years, 8 kids, lots of love...

    by June My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary in August. We have always had a joint account. He works outside the home and I work in the home, as a stay-at-home parent to our eight children. We don't fight over money. I use a debit card to pay for whatever we need so I don't keep cash on hand. This helps out when the kids ask me if I have $5. I can honestly tell them, "No, I don't have any money". My husband usually keeps some spending money in his wallet and that is fine with me. We don't have alot of money, but we sure have alot of love to go around.
  131. I hide money now...

    by J-Kat When we were first married, we had three checking accounts. His, which was technically joint but I didn't use it, his business, & mine. He was supposed to pay the bills out of the joint & I'd put most of my paycheck there & keep a small amount in mine. When we moved, both the joint & his business accounts were overdrawn while mine had money in it. I closed them all out, using "my" money to make up the differences. I told him that were we were going back to one account & from now on, I'd be in charge of paying the bills. He hated paying bills and would put them off. I found this out when I found late notices in the trash. Now, I hide money by transferring it to a different account (a money-market type), so that it will be available when we need it for certain bills that come due at different times. I don't want to leave it in the account, for fear it will get frittered away. I'm the frugal saver, who makes sure the bills are paid. He sees something he wants & buys it & worries later.
  132. His Mine Ours Theirs

    by Carmen We were both widows(ers) when we met at age 72. Both established. Both secure. Our plan was: what was his at the time we married remained his. What was mine at that time remained mine. My assets go to my four children. His assets go to his four children. Funds that come in as of our wedding date belong to "us". So....I have my own checking account. He has his own checking account. We have a joint checking account. Works for us.
  133. Secret Stash

    by Kathy It started out as money for a special vacation, but over many years it has become escape money or just in case I want to get myself something outside of the budget. I am not sure why I continue to keep a secret stash but for whatever reason it gives me a feeling of security.
  134. Surprise Money

    by Judy We have joint accounts, and I have one checking account in my name. However, I do have money stashed away...like from tax refunds etc. (my half of it)...not sure what he does with his half, but I usually save mine. It is nice to dig it out periodically and be surprised that there is that much there. It makes it nice when we want to go on vacation to have extra money to spend...
  135. NOPE!

    by Susan We love to share our money. We like to see the rewards and how they benefit each other. My pleasure comes in sharing with my husband of 30 years..and I venture to say he feels the same..
  136. Bit of both

    by Nikki I've had my own bank account since I was 12 years old, as has my husband. When we each started working, we arranged to have our wages paid into our individual bank accounts. When we then started living together it made sense to set up a separate joint account to pay for joint expenses (bills, food shopping, etc), which we both contributed to equally. When we started to save for our wedding we also opened a joint savings account which we also contributed equally to. Other than those two accounts, what's mine is mine and what's his is his - we still retain our own separate bank accounts. These both worked so well that even now we've been married for several years, we still work our finances that way. Unfortunately I don't really earn enough to save up and put a little away for myself each month but if I did I know hubby wouldn't have a problem with it - in fact, he'd probably encourage it!
  137. He always says he has no money!

    by Ann My husband and I currently have separate accounts. The monthly bills are split equally. Anything outside of that, my husband always says he has no money. I spend a lot of money on home repairs, improvement, etc. We had a joint account at one time along with two personal accounts but that did not work out because I was always dipping from my personal to put into the joint to cover home expenses, outings, etc. I don't know how to stop this because he always says he has no money.
  138. Money Maturity

    by Stacia This was a no brainer for me and my husband of 35 years - both names on everything! Hearing war stories from friends and the Judge Judy show - I learned it totally depends on trust and money maturity before two people should consider sharing everything. Your main goal in marriage is trust and growing together, but it is also saving for future emergencies and having assets to survive.
  139. Sock Money Marriage

    by Kathy My husband and I have been married almost 19 years, and both of our names are on our 2 bank accounts. We have come to the agreement that one account is "mine", and the other "his". We tried having one main account early in the marriage for bills, and using the second account for spending money. The problem was, I would write checks for a bill, and my husband would go through the ATM, see the balance and take out money that "technically" wasn't there....after several bounced checks, we agreed that one account was "his" and the other "mine. We share bill paying, and it's worked wonderful for many years.
  140. Trust and Time

    by Lisa I have been married nearly twenty-five years. In the beginning, we could not rub two nickels together; he was a private in the Army. We had a joint checking and savings. However, we did agree to keep extra money from birthdays and holidays to ourselves, and agreed not to be jealous if one received more than the other. Early in our marriage, we agreed to a monetary limit of $50.00 for personal purchases without the spouse approval. As time passed and our incomes grew, we still have the same joint checking and savings, but decided to have separate savings for our own "mad" money. This works wonderfully! We transfer a set amount into individual savings, and neither of us feel guilty or degraded. We agreed that neither should have to "grovel" to purchase things the other might think is trivial or dumb! This is based on trust. We do not ask each other how much is in our accounts. I believe that if finances allow, a couple should have personal accounts--that each know about.
  141. Still a Work in Progress...

    by Stephanie My husband and I have been married almost 5 years now and we still haven't come to an agreement on this. Personally, I'm a fan of a joint account with a working budget that includes a set amount of money for each person to receive a month to spend as they please. My husband, however, is averse to budgets and while I was working we ended up having separate accounts. Initially they were even at separate banks, but I frankly didn't trust him enough for that, nor did I appreciate being blind about where a large part of our income was going. There were no checks and balances...and since I made considerably less than him I didn't find it to be fair especially when it came to paying expenses. I also didn't like that our marriage was more like a roommate situation when we were splitting bills. Thankfully, things got a bit easier when I quit my job to stay home with our child. Now it's all one account whether he likes it or not. Though I do miss being able to "hide" my spending!

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