Episode 17
Nesting
- Video
- Stories
- Contribute
Have you ever wondered why women get involved in disastrous relationships more often than men? They meet a guy, fall in love and proceed to hand over the contents of their bank account to pay for his child support and parking tickets, and then are shocked when Prince Charming leaves. After hearing cases like this for years, I've decided that all too often, a woman's need to nest outweighs her otherwise good judgment. Is this a story that's familiar to you? How has 'the need to nest' affected your decisions? Any lessons to share?
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A Couple Dollars Short of Love. . .
The youngest of 6, parents divorced at age 7. I had "follow the leader" syndrome. Whatever the older siblings did, I did. No self confidence. I leaned on myself, taught myself, and directed myself ~ but didn't rid myself of the "follow the leader" syndrome. I joined the wrong crowd and "followed the leader". I knew right but did wrong. I knew going to college was right, so I made myself go & graduated. I knew working hard was right, so I did and started my own business. Good choices brought good results. Poor choices brought: three men; 3 1/2yr, 3yr, and 5 yr. All smoked pot, so I smoked pot. All drank, so I drank (and got a DUI). One got me pregnant and talked me into an abortion. You are who you hang round. I wasted 11+ years of my life on bad choices. When I left the last one I stopped smoking pot. I had to choose a better leader if I was going to follow. Now that I am in a better place ~ time to work on the rest! -
Women and their other Half
Women so often get into bad relationships through very poor judgement and by listening to what they want to hear, not what is said. Men are what I call aliens; they have split personalities and use all sorts of lines to make women look how they want and of course they suck it up. The word 'baby' is the best word a man uses as this is the nesting word, and women can't say no to this, depending on the age this is a must have. Then 'money', this one is a winner because they think easy street. So nesting is what women do and men have no idea about. A man can get a women all worked up to do what they wish and love them until they get tired of the humdrum life and make sure the women fix it up so they have everything they need without paying and they leave. So Ladies think before you buy the man the weapon to shoot you down, get smart and say NO, then you are a winner. Save yourself for a real man, not a money man. Lots of luck! -
OUR NEST IN THE ATTIC...
It was 1963 when Syd and I married. He was 23 and I was 19. For some reason, I always wanted to be married and have my own nest. We loved our little attic, despite the rear entrance. We began our family there, one son and one daughter. We are still married going on 50 years and our family has grown and Thank God we have our home but it's not our attic. -
KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY!
When I was a child, my dad was VERY abusive to me and my siblings and my mom. Everyday someone said something wrong and someone got a beating. If he wanted to go to bed at 2 in the afternoon drunk, we all went to bed so we did not wake him. I married to get out of that situation only to be beat again if I did not do as I was told. If my ex said to do something, I did it to KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY and to keep from making waves. I did not want my son to see all the violence I saw, so I did everything right (according to him). My son ended up dying in accident, and I left only to marry a control freak. Now at 62, I am on my own enjoying my life with no beating and not being told what to do. -
I opened my heart and my home
I dated a guy that had been my friend for a number of years. He was 23, I was 20. Things were fine for the first two months, but suddenly, he became a totally "different" person. I wouldn't find out until months and months later that he had taken himself off of his bipolar medication. He used me and my family as a money pot, and unfortunately, thinking we were being good people to this poor, unlucky guy, fell for it. Several times. The straw that broke the camel's back was taking my car, leaving me stranded at my college at 11pm, and meeting up with an underage girl. Instead of being bitter, I am grateful that this whole scenario taught me a valuable lesson: What's mine is mine because I worked for it, and what you want to be yours, you'll have to work for it. I'm 24 now, and I'm much more aware of who I let into my life. -
SHE JUST DIED
Three months after my wife died, I met a lady that 'helped me forget' the pain. It was PURELY a FWB thing, she was well aware of it from the FIRST TIME SHE STAYED THE NIGHT. I missed my wife, but I am human too. We had a great time, till. She insisted spending time with my kids, and even crossed the line talking to my 14-year-old daughter about things RESERVED for parents. My daughter was hurt by their 'conversation'. After four months, she started INSISTING that WE were an 'item'.My wife's things weren't even packed yet, she started leaving things at my house for 'over nighters'. We had many talks about the 'status' of our relationship. I was insistant it was FWB, she insisted it was BF-GF. After a couple months of ARGUMENTS, enough was enough, and I broke things off. There was the 'break up drama'... but it required 'formality' since she insisted we were BF-GF. We havent spoken since. I see she attempted to 'aquire' a ready made house, and family. If she didn't push so hard, it might be hers. -
'Til debt do us part
I would agree that sometimes a woman's "need to nest" does outweigh her good judgement. Maybe it is intended to be good judgement. I mean let's face it, women don't go into these relationships to be treated like crap. They most likely see a "case" & have good intentions to fix him. Or perhaps, a child IS involved and it isn't her child. Wouldn't those same "nesting needs" take effect? She sees a child without a mother and runs to the rescue. That is very admirable; if only the men could be the same we could have a great world! Yet, I don't agree with some of the things I'm reading around married people having their own accounts. That's like only half going into a marriage or going into a marriage expecting something awful. It's a shame we have to live in a world like that today. It basically says, "I'm not going to enter into this marriage fully just in case something doesn't work out." Now, in I know full well that it doesn't always work out because of abuse or other atrocities. -
Low Self-Esteem
I think some of the reasons why women are in disastrous relationships is because they never had a good father figure and a good father is VERY important in a little girl's life. A father is there for the child to spoil, protect, love and nurture. A little girl grows up and then daddy walks his baby down the aisle to a man who is supposed to replace him in life. When a little girl doesn't get this from the beginning, I believe that the girl goes on to search for it in all the negative ways and she does this to feel accepted and tries to make up for the loss of the love of the paternal figure in all sorts of negative ways. Therefore in cases such as these that may lead to addictions such as sex, drugs and alcohol and thinking that IF I do this I will get loved back by this man and then subconsciously the reward will be that He will love me back and I will get the love and caring that I missed when I was a little girl. So sad to say but this is not true You have to LOVE yourself first and foremost! -
Nesting - Lack of Parental Guidance
My many experiences with men and poor judgment more likely has been connected to my lack of parental guidance: a weak male figure, a disconnected, dysfunctional and emotionally stunted family. My parents divorced when I was 10. My brother, sister and I were left to our own vices. All are born with a different personality and needs. I now know that after many many screwed up relationships I was simply looking for love and didn't know how to receive, give love or how a true lovely relationship works especially since I did not have a model to go by. So I settled for any and everything even if it was at my expense. I had a very low opinion of myself and no self confidence. I am now 48, 4 marriages later 3 children (grown and doing well) I know that in my case I longed for acceptance and purpose and a loving family that I didn't have. I know some say that as adults we know longer can point the finger. Good character should be developed in youth if not, it seldom is later. -
Bad Nesting
When I met Mark he was working, paying his bills, taking me out and fixing things around the house for me (without my having to ask him). Shortly after we started dating, he moved in. Shortly after that, he quit his job. He continued to help around the house so I did not seem to mind (at that time) that he was not contributing to the bills. After we married he was not working at all. He spent all day playing computer games to excess and was not helping with anything around the house (including caring for our daughter). I got tired of the situation and gave an ultimatum - counseling for us or leave. He left. I realized after he was gone (and life got better) that I was looking too hard for love and companionship. When I first became disillusioned with our relationship was when life in the bedroom started to fizzle. After the bedroom life was gone all the little problems of our relationship became huge (for me). I believe he may have some good in him... but I deserve better. -
Victim of Suicide
At the age of 19 my stepfather (who had raised me from the age of 3), called me on the phone and pulled the trigger of the gun, killing himself as I begged him not to. I immediately turned to drugs and a man who I thought would take care of me. I felt I needed a "father figure" to care for me and started a relationship with a man who was 14 years my senior. I tolerated that he was married, and I was the mistress because he took care of me. I thought he loved me, and believed he was only "staying with my wife for the children". I smoked meth everyday for years to mask the pain of the suicide, and the shame of being a mistress. THEN I got pregnant by this married man. I allowed myself to begin to "nest" as I felt secure with him. When I told him I was pregnant he asked me to abort, which I did not. When the baby was born, he ignored our child. I realized I could not love him if he could not love our child, and left him. I then learned to love my child more than the drugs and am 14 years clean! -
Lost Puppy Syndrome
I don't think it's so much nesting as the fact that men tend to make appeals to a woman's instinct to help those who are down on their luck. I think we also tend to think that our actions will make us heroes in the eyes of those men we help when, in fact, they're taking advantage of us. I dated a guy like that years ago. He was unemployed because of a broken leg, and I ended up paying for everything: his rent, haircuts, nights out, and so on. Dumb and dumber! $700 later, I drew the line when he was working again but asked me for money for cocaine. I never tried to sue him because I knew it was just bad judgment on my part. I wrote it off as a lesson learned and moved on. The night we broke up, I met my husband, and we've been together for over 22 years. Best move I ever made. -
Nesting about took over.
It's like every girls story except his cheating made me think twice. Meet a guy started paying for his child support, bailed him out of court a few times. Then I found the real reason he wanted me in the first place. He's in it for the money; I wanted a family and to be married. His wife later told me that he cheated on her too. That's why she threw him out. He found somebody else so he left. Then I thought to myself down the line a few months later..."Thank God I didn't have children with him. He got away with more than 500 dollars, but I didn't get stuck seeing him for 18 years or more if we did have a child. So, like you say Judge Judy I got on my hands and knees and kissed the ground and Thanked God I didn't hitch my star to his wagon. I have adivce for girls if he doesn't look or sound like he's into you, but he looks like he love your money. Take Your Money and Run as Fast as You Can. Thanks to you too Judge Judy for giving me the knowledge to get away from a guy like that. -
Single and HAPPY!!
When I was in my 20's, I had the extreme urge to "nest" as Judge Judy says. Well, I never found Mr. Right. Now at the age of 46, I am so happy that I never compromised on what I wanted. I didn't marry Mr. Right Now. I realize now, the men I dated then were not marriage material. Knowing what I know now, if I had married, I would have been divorced within a few years, probably raising children by myself. If I have 1 piece of advice to give it is DO NOT SETTLE-- you will eventually regret it later in life. You deserve better then settling -- male or female -- there are over 6 BILLION people on this planet... there is someone more suitable. In my case... I know I'm better off in life... it was a hard pill to swallow at times... but I am worth waiting for!!! God Bless you all!! -
Protect yourself
I feel if someone you start dating cant "hold their own" then they aren't worth a serious relationship. I was in a relationship for a few years when my boyfriend asked "Why dont you apply for a credit card so we can take a vacation?" My response "Why don't YOU apply for a credit card so we can take a vacation?" He never mentioned it again nor did we go on a vacation. Funny! If a person feels they have to buy material things,or give them money, to make someone happy to be with them then how can they expect the "love" is true. Some just always want to be in a relationship and will push aside family, children, self respect just to keep it. -
Being loved should never cost you a cent!
Fresh out of high school I started living with my then boyfriend. He was several years older than me and a real mess. I was about 18 and he was 34 and at the time the age difference turned me on because he was an older man and I thought he would be more settled. Truth was he wasn't interested in settling down and our relationship was always in trouble. We fought all the time and he drank non-stop, but I thought I was in love so I stayed. Then one day he was stressed over bills and asked me to borrow $500.00 so me trying to please him, I handed it over with no questions asked and he promised to pay me back. Then not long after that he broke my heart by sleeping with another woman behind my back. I was so devastated that I just left and never even asked for my money back and to this day (18 years later) I have never been paid back nor forgot the valuable lesson I learned. Being loved should never cost you a cent!!!!! -
Just Noticing...
I don't have an experience to share just a general observation. First, why help out a guy and pay all his bills? Really by doing this you are asking for trouble. You are not this man's mother/family. So the moment you put yourself out there and take care of his problems, you become a doormat. I personally would not want to be with a man who can't take care of himself. As women, we think that oh if I help him out and get him out of trouble then he will love me forever and he will never leave me. When in reality, we are just labeling ourselves as a doormat. Take care of yourself and stop being walked over. You don't need a man in your life all the time. It is better to know that you can take care of yourself and be dependent only on you. Not only do you learn to respect yourself, but you gain knowledge of your self worth. A relationship should be built off of equality, not one person carrying another. As Judy would say...go get a job and take care of yourself! -
I've got the T-shirt
I think there are a myriad of reasons why women do this. There's still a pressure to find a man, any man, and "settle down". Many women go on rescue missions with guys with serious financial or legal problems, and try to change them. They believe that the more they help and bail him out, the more grateful he'll be, and the more he will love them. 90% of Judy's cases like this involve the woman giving the man something. If it's the other way around, it's an older man giving money to a girl half his age. I've been there, done that, been a walking Judge Judy case before the show ever started. I ruined my credit and hated what I was doing for years, just to say I was in a relationship. I thought he just needed some help, an a little more time before he'd commit. Maybe Judy should take the money and donate it to a women's group, and make these women wear a placard saying "Don't be dumb! Don't give money to a man". -
Shopping Without Your List
After a lifetime of dating or marrying Mr. Wrong; after being abused, fleeing to Women's Shelters, and being stripped of all dignity and finances; it occured to me that I should make a list of the qualities I would like to see in any man I would ever date again; otherwise I was complete on my own. For the first four years, I dated ones who seemed to meet the list, but, on the other hand, I found out they knew what I was looking for because I am not the withholding sort of person, in fact I would divulge my list! In other words I had guys ask me to marry them within the first week, guys attempt to quit smoking and jump through hoops trying to make it with me into the sack. "Don't you want to 'test drive the vehicle before we buy it?', one moron asked after I had told him that sex before marriage was a no. It works like this. Lets say you really want bananas, but you keep forgetting them everytime you go shop. If you love bananas, why end up with lemons? Don't shop without a list! -
What is 'nesting'?
I agree with Judy...I have watched the mistakes of many woman as well as made a few of my own. I think women have instincts men do not, but I do however believe those instincts to "nest" were meant to care and provide for her children, not the men in their lives. I will be 40 this month, and as the years go by I find myself saying more and more "they don't make them the way they used to". I know my father and most men in my early years would never be dependent or take advantage as I see men these days. I watch my father soon to be 80 years old STILL EMPLOYED and taking on the job with myself and sister of caring for my mother with Alzheimer's disease. He always went far and beyond to be the best provider. Now I watch him learning to cook and clean and care for my mother when not traveling for his job... yes they dont make them like that anymore. But in the men's defense, we women need to take their motherly instinct/nesting and care for those who NEED it not those looking to take advantage. -
Nesting for 22 years
Hi Judy! I've always wondered why some women make bad choices when it comes to men also! But I think you nailed it on the head. Nesting is a great word and I understand what you mean by it. I understand how emotions can take over. But I never got so stuck on a guy that I would tolerate a dead beat or slacker that would use or abuse. (or become pregnant until the time it right) These are common sense things! I always thought you were a great example of independence and the value of education for women across the world! Have you thought about running for office??? Always a fan, Sandy -
Equal rights
Women all over the world quite rightly want equal rights, and to be treated as equals. I think if a woman is daft enough to not see what's going on under her nose then more fool her. If it was a guy I would be telling him he was stupid and gullible. Same goes for a woman, she should learn from mistakes and know that it may not be the only time that she gets bitten. But..my saying is, Once bitten Twice shy! -
Attracted to Losers
I don't give guys money, but I do pick guys that never make anything of themselves. I do not know why I think that a guy who is kind and gentle, or has a sense of humor, or is good with kids, or is involved with church makes a good man. LOOK AT HIS FAMILY. If they are poor, and ignorant, gossip or make excuses for their lack in life.... RUN. If the family, and/or the guy ever claims to have been fired for no reason...RUN. That's what your life will be like forever if you stay with him. -
Nesting retort
I do not identify with nesting, but I knew many woman/girls that have. I couldn't understand it, especially when the man leaves, decides to come back only for the woman to get hurt. However, I was in a very dysfunctional relationship. My parents hated him because I left one for another. The previous relationship was filled with money, gifts, lies and betrayal, on both parts. I didn't want to leave the new one, for fear of being alone. But I was alone, and filled with despair. I began hating myself. But I had something to prove; the I could hold down a relationship. Well, a few years later, I married a wonderful man. It's a mutual relationship of giving and caring. Nesting should be in the late stages of your pregnancy, that's it! Never believe you cannot find better, because you can. You are worth more than you think. If someone is driving you into debt, lonliness and pain, then you have to rethink your relationship. -
Men can nest too.
I met a man who did all the things you say women do for men. However when the end came, it was very amicable and he didn't really want anything back. He had found another woman however. He was a needy guy who needed a woman who he felt he could help. Yup that is my story. -
A GOOD LIFE
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE OUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT, CREDIT CARDS, SAVINGS, ECT... WE NEVER HAD A FIGHT ABOUT MONEY. SOME PEOPLE MAY THINK THAT'S NOT RIGHT, BUT I THINK IT'S ONE WAY TO AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT WHO IS BUYING, AND WHAT OR HOW MUCH IS SPENTS. WE SHARE THE HOUSE BILLS. I HAVE LOANED SMALL AMOUNTS OF MONEY TO MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY, BUT I NEVER ASKED THEM TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME. I AM JUST THAT WAY. I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY. WE ARE VERY HAPPY IN NORTH-SALEM WITH OUR ANIMALS. I HOPE IT NEVER CHANGES. ANYWAY, I THOUGHT A GOOD STORY FOR YOU TO READ WOULD BE A NICE THING. I NEVER MISS YOUR SHOW. SINCERLY BABETTE -
Marriage
I was always taught by my parents to never "lend" money to a guy; you will probably never get it back and will end up ruining the relationship. So I never have. I guess I was fortunate. I met a guy who treated me like a queen from day one. We have now been married almost 42 years and he still pays when we go out! We have instilled in our three daughters the same values. To these girls who pay everything for these worthless guys......well, I guess it's like you say, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever!" -
Been there, done that, never again!
With my daughter's father, I saw the signs right away; he would "forget" his wallet when we went out to eat, etc. Before it was all over, I had paid for $3,000 worth of his bills, I was broke, jobless, and pregnant. He has never paid one dime for his daughter and won't even see her. What I learned? At my age (38) if a man I date ever asks for one dime, he is gone. No more dates, no more chances. If a man my age has to ask for money there is something wrong. Also I have upped my level of man I will go out with. Now if I date someone he has to have a corporate type job. Not a car mechanic that is too lazy to even get certifications to make himself an expert in his own field. Women need to be more independent and quit being so darn needy! SO WHAT if you're single? It's better to be single than to be with someone who is just using you for money. And you know if they are, the signs are there! OPEN your eyes, SEE with your eyes, not your heart. -
Women Nesting
The reason women fall victim to all the shenanigans of men is because, they have not grown up to be self sufficient, and independant. I grew up being taught that I had to go for everything that I wanted, not have it handed to me. Women are infatuated with the prospect of having a male on the arm, or a sugar daddy. I would say a lot have low self esteem. I have a brother who has been married three times, and he swindled all their money from them, and they draw a blind eye to their actions, even after I warn each one of them before they say I do. First wife lost his home to drugs, second wife had her entire pension fraudulently removed, and current wife had $180,000.00 stolen again fraudulently from stocks. Yes she is still with him, he has never worked, and when I ask her why, she says who's gonna take him, he has burnt all his bridges and she knows it. She is a nurse and has not worked in 2 years cuz, he demands her to be with him at all times. Go figure. Love you, Judy. -
Giving Men Money, Makes Them Weak
Well let's see..I have considered myself a woman who is confident, and secure in myself. Not to say I haven't made some real dumb mistakes, but like my Dad always told me, that is how we learn..I remember having relationship in my mid 40"s, which I knew it wasn't healthy, or someone I wanted to be seriously in my life, but it was a weekend booty call, that continued for longer than I had planned, and one day I realized I had fallen in love with this joker. Make a long story short, he needed a credit card to get his teeth fixed, and since I had just gotten that same work done on myself, I felt his pain on such an ugly smile. Soon after he got his dentures, we were no longer together..Big surprise, right? Well, there was a coworker of mine who saw that I was a bit down, so I told her what was going on...She told me the best thing I could have ever heard, " Giving men money, makes them weak".. So very true. -
Listen to Judge Judy
I haven't had this experience personally, however I have seen this happen to many women. I have, however, given your advice to my daughter, who has listened, and now is independent so that she is not caught in a situation where she has to "accept" being walked all over. I told her to make sure she is financially dependent so that when she is married she does not have to stay with a "loser". She now makes more money than her husband. She has a separate bank account, as you suggested. I, too, have gotten myself a separate account. It makes me feel so secure. Thank you! My husband hates it, but too bad! hehe! I have made myself independent enough that if my husband tries to control me as he has over the years, I can tell him, "Hit the road Jack!" Now that I think about it, I have had this experience personally and you have saved me. You are my hero and always will be. Thanks for all you do! -
Nesting
I think you are correct about a woman's need to nest being the cause of poor judgement. In my experience, although I have never loaned a man money, paid his bills, or provided a cell phone account, I have a rule of never giving money if I expect it back. I tell my adult daughters when they ask for a "loan" that I will only give them what I can afford to not get back (needless to say, they rarely ask me & I rarely give them financial aid). I have myself been a victim of my own poor judgment at times, ignoring warning signs for the sake of a relationship, but only my pride has been hurt, not my bank account. I just turned 50, & now I have learned NOT to ignore ANY warning signs whatsoever & to pursue them immediately. I call it "damage control". -
Nesting...
Isn't this what you used to do to get ready for a birth of a new baby? If people lived with the morals they should have, then we wouldn't have these issues. Grow up, get married before having sex, and then nest... Just grow up and think with your brain, not your hormones... Agree? -
NESTING NOTES
While I think "nesting" may have something to do with it, I think strength in personal character has more to do with it. While women may be more prone to "nesting" than men, if a woman has not been taught to be a strong woman or has not developed such character, she will be taken advantage by anyone she will let come along to do this....man or woman. A perfect example is Judge Judy...do you think she would have ever put up with a man like this?? I think not. Men sense this, and yes, as in what Jesse says, they can emotionally detach and move on. And yes, many of these men have not be taught/developed a sense of good character to do the right thing. To Jane: Maybe you BETTER show this article to your daugher....she needs a wake-up call. Sometimes a person needs a "slap in the face" to get it. Would you rather her have her feelings (or worse) hurt by a thoughtless man? Your daughter does not need sympathy..she needs your help in learning how to stand up for herself. -
Nesting or playing house
When I was 16, my boyfriend and I took off from home moved 3,000 miles from BC to Toronto. He had me isolated from family and friends and became physically abusive. We got into explosive brawls and I'd fight back to defend myself. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to let my parents know what was going on and didn't call them for over a year; they didn't know if i was dead or alive. I realised after a bad night that this would never end well, one of us for certain would end up dead. I moved out when he was at work. He stalked me and broke into my apartment, beat me half to death, he took off when the neighbors yelled that they had called the cops. As the cops were at my door with the landlord, I heard a cop say"Is it her pimp?" They were judging me before even speaking to me. He finally left me alone after I got a new boufriend, who I've been with for 27 years and have 2 beautiful children together. Never trust a guy who hates his mom and always have your own job and bank account. -
Upbringing
Kids of alcoholics tend to "try to fix someone". Thinking they will "save" this one where you couldn't do it as a child. When you finally grow up you realize this is "crazy making" thinking. Usually by then you've been married or involved for a few years and now your kids are caught in the vicious cycle of your making. Unless you get "you & yours" help it will continue to create bad relationships down the line. Myself, I've been there and done it all as Judge Judy described. I'm just glad I learned early enough that it only affected one child. You can't change or fix a person they need to want that for themselves. When you have love & respect for yourself you won't be "pulled into" those kind of relationships. That means not settling for someone who needs to be fixed! -
Not Just Women...
Its not just women that feel this way. For example I'm a 24 year old male with a close group of friends, all of whom have relationships. I seem to be the only single one and have been that way for years now, about 6 years to be exact. We like to mess with each other as guys do, but now my single-ness, if you will, has become a topic to point out. I see myself getting more and more frustrated that I can't find someone to be my better half and I'm scared that I will hop into a relationship with the first girl that comes across my path, but for all the crap my friends give me, I know they won't let me do that if they see I'm just going after the first girl to fall in my lap. Us guys get frustrated too, but we just hide it more than women. Its no big secret... -
Taking Care of Another
I am 47 years old and started dating a young man who was about 16 years younger. It wasn't very serious but he did eventually start asking for money. Didn't even flinch when he asked and I couldn't understand it. Need help with rent, car note, insurance, and so on. Looking back, he did absolutely nothing to earn it. I didn't expect it back although he claimed he would give it back. But eventually it got old and tiresome - I stopped helping him out. My thinking was "what did you do before I came along?" Whatever it was, he needed to do THAT. We "drifted" apart and even now he tries to contact me but I am not interested. This was behavior that I had never displayed before and it's not one that will show again. Don't get me wrong - I take total responsibility for my own decisions. Do it once, shame on you; 2nd time shame on me. It only takes me one time.... Ladies stop trying to save these types of men from themselves! That's what's wrong with them in the first place. -
Women who loan $$
I think the women want the men to stay- they think the man will feel how much she loves him by how well she takes care of him. It's a form of enabling. In my case, it made me feel NEEDED. " What would he do without me?" After 23 yrs of marriage I finally realized to quote you Judy," He peed on my leg and told me it was raining" way too many times. I outgrew my need to have him need me- now he can NEED someone else haha! By the way- I am a teacher and have your children's book for my students! Thanks for this forum. -
Light at the end of the tunnel
I am a single mother with two children ages 19 and 13. I have dated a few men (most not good for me) because I didn't want to be alone. Also, I felt like something was missing in my life....a partner/husband/father for my children. I dated would men who I knew were not a good match for me or my children, but I "hoped" he would be the one. I got fed up dating frogs. Then I read the book by Steve Harvey "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". I learned a lot from this book, especially my mistakes, such as giving it up too soon, 90 day rule, etc. I made a vow to myself that I would be patient, very picky, and wait for the right man for me. I believe in God and had faith that God didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. Then I met my this wonderful, caring, attentive, God fearing man. He appeared out of no where. He is everything that I ever wanted in a man. And he "waited" for me. I can honestly say that I am truly happy and glad I waited. Ladies, be patient. He'll come. -
Independent Mother
Although I am what is now termed a severely abused child; and in reading these comments one would think that would destin one for co-dependent relationships - I was blessed to have had a strong, independent mother, especially for a woman in the 50's. We were always taught and it was expected that we would earn our own way and looking to a man to take care of us was not even in the conversation. My mother, in the 50's was a newspaper reporter, owned her own landscaping business, etc. Had her own money and control of it. So my advice to women is (1) to raise your daughters to be independent from an early age; (2) when you realize that you have other choices that you didn't even know about it - start choosing the choices that are in your own best interest; (3) stop making excuses that you are a product of your environment; you are grown up now and able to challenge those old beliefs and replace them with healthy choices. -
life and love lessons
After one marriage and one divorce - and beginning to be able to control my own life - I came up with a sure fire way to avoid another. I realized that marriage or nesting with another, I would indeed be getting the short end of the stick. So, when asked why I never remarried, I advised that a marriage can be summed up in simple Arithmetic. First: you DIVIDE your money; Second: you MULTIPLY your responsibilities, Third: you ADD his family; Fourth: you subtract your own family. However, I do admire anyone who can make a marriage succeed. I couldn't. So, here I am about to honor my 50th year of divorcehood on feb 2, 2013....and I always get a little sentimental on groundhog's day. -
Trying to nest
I was in a relationship that I paid for most everything. I worked, he didn't on a regular basis. But I didn't know that when I got involved. Yes, he was an independent contractor, but when he stopped looking for new opportunities, I covered all living expenses. Now when I look back at that whole relationship I realize I didn't think much of myself outside of that relationship. I was sharp as a tack on the job, but the man still came first. I was in love and when he loved me back my world was complete. I had to learn to love myself first, something that I never did. I needed that approval of who I was when I was with him; otherwise what I looked at in the mirror was someone I didn't like. -
The Result
So many times on the show I have seen young women who have stayed in relationships with abusive boyfriends or gone back to them after being abused. I've never understood this decision, but do know of a relationship which ended with bad results. Her name was Natasha Waalen, and she ended up being murdered in 2008 by her boyfriend's brother and then her boyfreind helped try and cover it up. The story can be read by googling her name. She was survived by a daughter, who now has a father in prison and no living mother. -
Keeping him interested...
I am within 4 months of having paid off all the debt incurred by a relationship that ended in 2007! He didn't steal my credit cards, I willingly maxed them, all to do things, and entertain, and treat a man who constantly made me feel insecure - was a nightmare in my home - and was penniless by his own neglect, but was handsome, intellectual, and more to the point, 'with me'. If I could go back in time!!! An oxymoron perhaps, but I am a strong intelligent woman (usually!) so I really do believe that we -men too will willingly be milked by women - feel the need to be in a relationship so badly, and not multiple relationships!, that we will do undermining things to keep our partners with us. This debt meant my children's teenage years were spent in an austerity I regret, but.... I'm glad it happened now as they throw out credit card applications, and we are now on a solid footing again. I'm better with money and more respectful of myself! Self respect trumps nest! -
She'd rather have the nest!
My friend went through a very difficult divorce. Her husband didn't beat her but abused her emotionally for 10 years. The divorce was final in June and as of last month he started paying a meager child support. He has been pressuring her to "remarry". She is a "needy" person and is considering it, maybe. Also her current boyfriend wants a live-in situation. She is considering that as well. Judge Judy is right! She wants "nesting" and at this point her good judgment is gone. She is considering both situations. She'd rather have "somebody" than nobody. So sad to see her go through this. My mother divorced when I was a baby and never remarried. The lesson I got from her was "yes, a woman can live without a man and be OK". -
Equality
I think when men and women are equal, then this is not a problem. Then nesting will be something positive and the other half will not take advantage of it. Men ought to be more nesting!! :-) -
Nesting and Abuse
I don't believe it was a desire to nest that kept me hanging on to the relationship, and paying his bills, car note, dentist bill, etc. I was emotionally abused into believing that if I did these things, everything would be wonderful. Later, after dishing out all my money, I started being physically abused. Once caught it the cycle of abuse, I would do anything. The day the neighbor called 911 when she heard me being beaten changed everything. He got arrested, and I took him to small claims court and recouped all but $200. I had his wages garnished because he wouldn't pay me on his own. I loved "nesting" when things were good, but that was far and few apart. That's my take on "nesting". -
A Man's Perspective
I think one important factor to consider is the man in the relationship. Men can easily emotionally detach themselves; if men could not, would they leave as often? I have seen women attach themselves and marry men who abuse them emotionally and physically. They have made me wonder, do people who are emotionally abused blame themselves? In doing so, do they attempt to 'right the situation' by aiding the abuser in any way they can, only for the abusive party to leave/abuse further. This valueless self-image might lead them to compromising their own security, via contractual agreements, etc., so once a man wants to, he can leave without any legal obligation. He can also detach from emotional obligations, I believe this is why more women are hurt than men, it's harder for women to emotionally detach. Though it's an entirely different thought, I also think that abusive cultural standards and poor fathering are to blame too, although I have seen women with great fathers marry abusive husbands. -
I wish I could show my daughter this topic...
I have a daughter who falls for guys who can't or won't meet her half way in the relationship. She feeds them and entertains them and gets very little back from them when all she really wants is the commitment of a long term relationship. If they go out, he never has the money to pay even his share yet readily wants to go do something any night they are together. I wish I could show her this article without it getting on her nerves and hurting her feelings. -
Losers
I always seem to be attracted to losers. I have been married 3x. My second husband was so good I couldn't stand being married to him. My current husband (6yrs) is a loser. I support him and he is abusive, mentally and physically. He has been in jail for domestic abuse. However, I can't let go, why? I know I deserve better.