Episode 27

Someone Else's Divorce

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I believe that it's always a mistake to get involved in somebody else's divorce. No matter what your relationship is to the divorcing couple, you will always end up getting hurt. I remember years ago, my mother, who was a wonderful person, got involved with a close friend's rocky marriage, because she had a big heart. When her friends worked things out and got back together, my mother was the only person they didn't speak to. It would have been wiser to stay out of it. That's my opinion. What's yours? Do you have any stories to share?    

Your stories

  1. Someone else's divorce

    by Sandie
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  1. Someone else's divorce

    by Sandie When you get involved with someone elses relationship, you always coming out looking bad. Whatever is said or did will come back to haunt you. Once the relationship rekindles you are on the hook for the things you said because now they are hurt with your words or actions and don't want to be bothered with you.
  2. Girlfriend of man going through a divorce

    by Linda My boyfriend went through a contested divorce that got quite ugly. His not-so-soon-to-be ex-wife was an active addict, and he could not own up to his own enabling behaviors that contributed to their mess. He painted himself as the victim, but I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between his and her version of the story. He and I had to be on the down-low throughout all this because she didn't know about me and didn't need any more ammunition, but that just added more layers of issues for me to work through. I stuck it out through the 1 1/2 year process, but really started losing patience after a year. After all was settled, he expressed no gratitude toward me for helping him get through it, and seemed totally unaware of how hard it was for me to experience. I ended our relationship soon after. I definitely would advise someone to let go of a man going through a divorce and tell him to look you up a year after it's finalized. If he finds someone else in the meantime, you're blessed!
  3. When children are involved....

    by Trent Being 24 myself and my sister being 20, you could certainly deduce that we are not merely 'children' - this leads to all kinds of issues. We have opinions, certain perceptions etc., that have gotten us involved in our parents' divorce. My sister and I are also studying full time. Myself, a combined Law and Criminology degree and my sister completing a criminology degree. The divorce has not been straight forward. Each parent complaining to their "team" that the other parent does not care about either "child" - this has been occurring for MONTHS now. This is where I get involved in the divorce. My sibling and I have had to play the game to ensure security and functionality in our personal lives. I don't need to be spoken for. So, if you divorce when you have adult children, don't bring them into it. Bringing us into this situation makes us look like weapons, and not humans. Please people, take responsibility for your own actions and keep the divorce between TWO people.
  4. Adopted mother divorced 4 times and married 5times

    by FreL She chose poorly, I believe, to marry again a 5th time while still having a 10 year old and 18 year old in the house. But choosing a man, whom was stricken with symptoms of alcoholism? ( you know.. out late drinking, calling drunk, coming home out of control with gangs of bikers etc) I was puzzled and afraid. Then, as I'm sure you can imagine, she was off and on with this guy, all while my brother and I watched in wonderment. Later they divorced in secret, but this guy, I'm supposed to call "DAD" vanishes with not a word. Later, during my mid 20's my Mother was working hard to offer advice about relationships to me, never mentioning any of hers. This is a divorce I wish I hadn't been involved in.
  5. Listen to the judge!

    by Joan How ironic that this should be the current topic, since a couple that my family holds very dear has separated. I learned many years ago a similar lesson that Judge Judy's Mom experienced. Don't take sides, don't bad-mouth, and, unless there has been abuse or infidelity, stay out of it! Some couples even work thru serious issues like cheating or abuse, so you just never know what the future holds. And, if there are children involved, they just may resent you for any comments you made against one of their parents. The couple I mentioned has 4 kids, and, of course, they love both parents. I would never speak badly of their Mom or Dad, it would just make this even more painful for them. My own experience cost me a friendship, and so I speak from the heart when I say "Don't get involved". Lend a sympathetic ear, and offer any help that you can, but keep any nasty remarks to yourself....once spoken, they can come back and change your life forever...just like mine did.
  6. Taking sides

    by JoAnne I do think that it's a shame that the people that you believe are your "friends" during a marriage are either "his friends" or "your friends". I was surprised at how few friends I really had after a divorce, because I had let myself become totally devoted to my husband's life and lost myself in the process ... including doing everything with "his friends" instead of staying socially involved with my own work and college friends. They were fun people, but when we split I never (or rarely) saw them again, and if I did it was uncomfortable. A truly good marriage includes nurturing the person that your mate was before they married you.
  7. Other people's divorce

    by Jane Many years ago, the company my husband worked for was very prone to divorces. One couple had a lot of trouble and their marriage hit a snag that looked to be insurmountable. They split up and rounded up everyone to take sides. We were all a close knit bunch so it was very easy to be caught in the middle. As time went on they got nasty with each other. One of my friends got in the middle of it and was helping the wife. Husband was finding new interests and not having a bad time of it at all. Wife was a wreck! When she found out we all knew about the husband's new "friend" she was mad that we knew. They were separated at the time he found someone to occupy his time and wife wasn't happy to find out. Later after they got straightened out and back together she acted embarrassed that any of us had any part in their problems. She never was friendly to any of us again. The husband was fine!
  8. My naive twin

    by Ashley I'm a 28-year-old woman with a twin brother, and we couldn't be more opposite. My brother has always been very naive to the ways of the world and has no sense for when people are "bad news". He made the unfortunate decision to marry a girl who was clearly off her rocker and after two years of marriage she had filed for divorce. I didn't get involved until a few months after she had served him with the papers, and they had decided to get back together. I told him it was a huge mistake, she was going to use him and leave him. He very angrily told me to butt out and that his marital vows were more important to him than anything. Within a month of reconciling, she had put my brother further in debt by overindulging on his credit, cleaned out their bank accounts, and taken all of his physical property. Somehow, I'm still the bad guy after all of this, and I believe our relationship will always be strained. It's not like I've told him "I told you so," but I'd love to.
  9. Getting Involved In The Wrong Situation

    by Brittany I was only 18 when I got involved with a married man. They were having problems when I came into the picture. She filed before she knew about me and I ended up living with him for three years. He had a son and that made it very difficult. I ended up leaving him because it seemed like all he talked about was his ex and he was hell bent on revenge and I got fed up with it, let alone the $15,000 he had to give her plus nearly $600 in child support every month. I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and finally started thinking with the logical part of my brain instead of the emotional part. Now I am going to college and working and have my head on straight. I don't recommend to any gal out there getting involved in a situation like I did. Men who are freshly divorced need at least a year to recover from it and to move on from it. Especially for young women like me, it's imporant to find out who you are as a person before getting involved in any relationship. Think realistically!
  10. You Don't Know . . .

    by Nancy A much-loved cousin and his wife were divorcing after 20 years of marriage. Even though none of us had a strong relationship with his wife (she didn't try to be friendly to his relatives), we all decided to keep out of it and our opinions to ourselves. Why? because we didn't live 24/7 with my cousin and had no idea what went on "behind closed doors." He said/she said means the truth is somewhere in the middle. We stayed out of it and as a result, kept a relationship with my cousin's kids and his ex when we saw her. They never got back together but it was smart to keep out of something we didn't really know anything about except for what they said about each other.
  11. Involvement in divorce cost a friendship!

    by Craig My best friend's wife came to me with stories of her being abused. Day after day I heard terrible accounts of his cruelty towards her. One day, after months of living with his aggressive behavior, she asked me to help her escape from him. I agreed. We picked up her three children, and drove to a shelter. She asked me not to talk to my friend about her whereabouts. I agreed not to. I ended up not communicating with him for over four months. When I finally did connect with him, I was told the friendship was over forever. He didn't want anything to do with me. I know I did the right thing morally. But the choice I made cost me dearly--a close friendship of 32 years.
  12. Someone else's divorce

    by Mary You are so right, never get involved because when they kiss and make up you are the bad guy! Another tidbit, never tell someone what you really think of their spouse...same result! Currently my daughter is staying with me due to her marriage breaking up with a divorce soon to be initiated. My stand is; you did not invite me into your marriage, please don't invite me into your divorce! Because I certainly had thoughts and opinions about the relationship/marriage but kept my mouth shut!!! Still have an opinion & thought but; I keep saying 'keep quiet' Mom!!!! Your Fan, Mary 
  13. Stay in your place!!!

    by Wanda I believe you can be a friend to both people in the divorce situation as long as you do not take sides. When I was divorced, my parents told my soon to be ex that he would always be their son and we were able to part on friendly terms. My ex-husband called my parents mom and dad even after our divorce. While I was aware that they were MY parents, I respected them for remaining friendly to the father of my children.
  14. Loving Care Helps a Troubled Couple

    by Mary-Alice Years ago, my dear friends were in a very rough patch. The husband had an affair and wanted out of the marriage. The wife was devastated. I loved them both. I wanted very much for them to work it out and get back together, so I decided they needed love and care...Both of them! I sent them a big package of comforting teas, candies, cheeses, bath products. They were still sharing the house, so I told them to be nice, to share, no spitting, no hitting! And I told them how much I loved them both. They did get back together and have stayed together for 33 years. They seem to be fighting more, but I think that might be a good thing. Possibly they are communicating better than they did before his affair. They seem happy and comfortable. Maybe they discovered that they liked making up...?
  15. Nightmare of helping a neighbor through a divorce

    by Denise A neighbor was married and had children, one stayed with me daily after school until bedtime. The mother was mentally unstable, willingly stayed at work in her office until bedtime just not to have to come home. The father wanted a divorce. The mother one day would thank me for caring for her child, then the next day would yell "You are stealing my child!". The father went to a lawyer drew up papers to have me continue to care for his child during the divorce, since she was neglecting him. She often went on rampages of throwing dishes around her house & did too much to list. Their child who was 13 yrs. old at my home had a nervous breakdown. During this the parents argued loudly at each other on my front lawn. The child took pills for depression since he took a knife to his wrist. I only permitted him in my home since he was an innocent victim that needed help. Someone called CPS & yet it was listed as unfounded. Eventually, they rekindled once she got properly medicated for bi-polar.
  16. Did I Hear That Correctly??

    by Kathy My sister and I (who live together) went to my brother's custody case for moral support and to be witnesses if needed. The case went back and forth like a tennis match. When the judge gave his ruling, he granted custody to us? Did we hear correctly? There was no third option. The children were ages 3 & 5. We were told we could go pick them up up now or he would place them in foster care. My sister and I were ages 60 and 47 at the time. I had never never wanted children and her son was an adult. Did this rock our world! Six years later we still have the children and their father also has custody. He moved in with us. I guess the moral of the story is , when you get involved in someone else's divorce you can be involved for a long time.
  17. Three Friends Destroyed

    by Sharon I've witness many times when someone gives advice when they should just keep their mouth shut. I had a friend who's marriage was rocky and there was 3 of us who were inseparable. I'll use false names. When Sarah was in trouble with her marriage, Heather offered her advice to stand up to him and to demand her way. The only problem was Sarah was in the wrong and Heather was taking her side. I knew his side but kept myself out of the situation. I did say that they both need to sit down with an unbiased person and try to talk it out and to understand where each person was coming from. They eventually devorced and Sarah later regretted her decision and saw where she was wrong. They did start to get back together thru counceling but now Sarah and husband hate Heather. Our threesome is gone now and I miss it. But Sarah and husband are friends with me to this day.
  18. Woman left behind

    by Joan After my first husband left me for an older woman (I was 22 and devastated), a couple we had know during our marriage invited me over for dinner. While there the woman's husband (when she was in the kitchen) proposed to me that I must be very lonely and he would like to take care of that problem. I didn't tell her until she called me and wanted to know why I didn't visit anymore. I told her and she politely told me I was a lying b-----. So much for staying friends with old friends.
  19. When someone else gets involved in your marriage

    by Mary I'm not sure if anyone have ever experienced the following. After being married for twenty four years, unfortunately my marriage was ruined due to the above title. I had left the country to take my sick father overseas for medical reasons. A few days after my return, my oldest son gave me the shocking news that my husband had taken another woman in the bedroom that we shared. My son had opened the bedroom door to let his Father know I was calling from overseas (the phone being in the living area) he was shocked to see them both in the nude. It has been twenty eight years now and it still lingers in my mind. I really don't place all the blame on the woman, I think it was highly disrespectful on the part of my husband to even entertain such an idea knowing we were legally married and more so in the presence of his kids. This was the most heart-breaking time in my life. I tried to reconcile with my husband but it was just too much lingering memories so I ended up divorcing him.
  20. Let Them Work It out by themselves

    by Debby I knew my best friend was getting divorced, oh she complained moaned and told me the horrors of why she wanted to be divorced. I only said to her, the best way is to write out the pros and cons and then either get professional help take it and go. But I also said what I think is not important what matters is what you need or think you want, but I rather stay out and keep a great friendship than risk losing one. She took my advice and got divorced and we stayed best of friends. But after several years they remarried, again asking me advice again I stayed out of it. Many get involved and lose friends but I preferred to keep a great friend. So if you are asked stay out of it then you don't get hurt. Hope this helps!

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