Episode 6
Till Divorce Do Us Part
- Video
- Stories
- Contribute
Today, half of all marriages end in divorce. Everyone is looking to be connected, understood, and appreciated. Fifty years ago marriage was living under the same roof without killing each other. How times have changed! Now, courtrooms are crowded with divorce litigation, bitter exes and traumatized children. Are you still friends with your ex? How were your children affected? How did you fare in court? Tell me your story.
Your stories
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48 Years Later
Dear Judge Judy, I am your elder by 7 months, and we both grew up in Brooklyn! I wish I'd known you. My husband and I were married in 1966, divorced a dozen years later and got together 6 years ago. How's that for a story? He's 12 years older, sharp as a tack and bicycles 10 miles daily. He looks good, too. We live in New Jersey, but in the in-between years, I moved to Florida. I am licensed to practice psychotherapy in both states...a snow-bird therapist, if you will. Your sharp memory and insights help me in my practice all the time. I, too, love working. I watch your program all the time. Keep up the good work! -
Shouldn't have married in the first place!
I've been divorced for 2 years now. The divorce was amicable and the ex and I remained friends....until he got engaged, then he turned into a total bleepity-bleep! He's in contempt for not paying spousal support. The unfortunate thing is, I can't afford lawyer services and the free service here stinks, so..... I'm not getting anywhere with anything. :-( I wish Judge Judy were here, I know things would get done real quick! lol! -
Divorced and still friends
I was married for eight years and although getting divorced was not an ideal situation, and it was tramatic for my three young kids, it was also the best thing to do. I had tried for over a year to make my marriage work but it was hopeless. However I decided that being bitter towards my ex was something that would not only be harmful to my children but would make me a bitter person that I didn't want to be. Being friends with my ex and putting our differences to one side has had a very benificial effect on my children who have none of the usual 'hang ups' that a lot of children have in the same situation. My advice. Always put the childrens needs first. -
There is life after divorce
We love you Judy and not just for your TV show. I realized while watching your interview on "Katie" that we were right on about you. You talked about divorcing your husband and then remarrying him. This is the second time around for both my husband and I. You're right, I leave those underwear and socks on the floor now and step over them. It's so not worth the energy it takes otherwise. He remembers my birthday. Without a word on January 26th every year, he walks in with 2 dozen roses to celebrate yet another year as a breast cancer survivor!! Without fail. I have realized of late he "is" exactly what I have waited for all of these years. Someone who loves me unconditionally..it does exist. Perhaps it is because we are older and much more realistic now. Maybe due to the fact that 9 months into our relationship we jumped into cancer, chemo and everything else it brings together..not really sure. I think perhaps it is a mixture of things.. -
Nothing Like An Upgrade
I married & divorced in my 20s---after 6 years, my 'educated' husband was a verbally abusive & under-ambitious 'mama's boy' who was less mature than our toddler. When he repeatedly lied about his paychecks, refused counseling & acted like he was my only option, I decided to file for divorce. We've been apart 12 years and in that time, I bought a home, re-married and have 2 more kids with a man who loves & cherishes his family, while my ex is still single & now lives at home with his mother. I tell my young daughters to educate themselves & to not worry about marriage and babies until they reach 30 so that they don't miss out on the fun and self-discovery that I did. Even when you're an adult and love the person, marriage is work and you have to make sure you want to use the effort to manage it when it's easier to throw in the towel. Out 7th anniversary is soon and I have to say that even on his worst day, Hubby is an upgrade over the ex & I'm blessed that we found each other. -
Marriage is supposed to be forever.
I always thought marriage was supposed to be forever, but found out the hard way, that's only if both people want it. My ex was more interested in his married co-worker than he was with me and our kids. Now both couples are divorced. My kids and I have gone through hell, so has the husband and kids on the other side of the equation. I became friends with her ex, so I've heard his side of the story too. The selfishness of two people caused so much hurt. My divorce ended up being long and drawn out; I'm still trying to get child support from him. He doesn't think he needs to pay to help raise his two kids. He thinks I should be grateful for the little that he does pay in daycare costs. A man that I loved so much. I never thought he would become the monster he turned into. I'm doing my best to move on now, but I'm not sure if I'll ever really get over being betrayed by the man who was supposed to be the love of my life. -
Divorce! Don't be 'okay' with Domestic Violence.
I left an abusive and violent situation 8 years ago. I was married for 26 years. The situation escalated so badly that I had no choice but to leave. I divorced my husband and a month later, he was killed in a tragic auto accident that he caused, killing an innocent person in the other car. My ignorance was to not leave the first time he hit me. I grew up in that same type of household and thought that was the norm. I have since learned it is not. I have completely rebuilt my life. I was lucky in that I had had some education and have a job. Recently, I have secured affordable housing and my daughter is finishing up her senior year at a private college and has NO student loans. Not bad when you are at the poverty level in this country. My hope for the young women and men of today is to be educated about Domestic Violence before they get in a realtionship. I wish I had been. More information is available to everyone now. I cannot change my past but i sure can write my future. Just watch me!!!!!! -
Unbearable marriage became manageable...
I have been married for 25 years. Three years ago, things seemed unbearable. My husband is a man of few words, and I felt I was being used as a housekeeper to him and our children. I went for a divorce. Stupid stupid. What I thought I would gain from divorce, I no longer understand. Long story short, on reflection I realized my children would be hurt. It would mean giving up on 24 years of my life, for what? Expensive legal bills! I decided acceptance and making the most of what I had was in my best interests. I am still married. I work on myself to be a better mum and wife. Guess what? I am happy, settled, and at peace. -
My lucky day, 7/07/07
At 24, I married a highschool friend. I did it for the wrong reasons. Trust your GUT. Two days prior to the wedding I called my mom and told her it didn't feel right. I didn't feel the way I should. I was scared; I felt like my ex-husband was right on paper, good job, educated, good looking, but he didn't make me feel passionate at all. We had nothing in common; we didn't enjoy any of the same hobbies or interests. She convinced me that I was just having cold feet, and she spent over 30,000 on my wedding. I couldn't back out. Big mistake. Seven years after our "fairytale" wedding began, we were bitterly divorcing, two children in the middle since 2006. I have since remarried a man who is my perfect foil, in every sense of the word on 7/7/7 and have had two more beautiful children. I learned that companionship and friendship grow so much more important at 39 than at 19. I wish my 39 year young self could have reached back through time and told me to follow my heart and to trust myself. -
Hang in There
I've been married to the same man for 35 years...no it was NOT easy. We dated a mere seven months before marriange. Some would say that's too soon. He asked me three times before I said yes. During the first three years is when I learned he had an alcohol problem. I came from a strict religious background and did not recognize it as a problem until too late. When his driinking became a problem for both of us, I had to put my foot down. We both went to AA. It took almost eight years for him to completely stop drinking, but now it's been over 25 years since he's had the taste in his mouth. He even buys me a drink every now and then although I don't drink much. Prayer helped a lot. My husband did not want to lose me or his daughter, because he knew that I meant that I would leave. We hung in there and worked on this problem together. If you truly love each other, working together is the key to overcoming a problem. I never let him feel that it was his problem alone. -
Wish I Knew Then...
I was 19 when I married my first husband. This was back in 1958. What would anyone know at that age? In that day about what goes on in the mind of a man? I had no clue about the fragility of the male ego or how to deal with a man of few words. I screwed up by not working harder to try and talk to him and find out what was going on inside. We both never shared our deep thoughts, feelings or expectations of the future. Looking back it seems we were both following an unwriltten script that did not really relate to us and our marriage. Now, after much water has gone under the bridge, I realize we were such different people we would not have stayed married anyway. It's my regret that I was not paying closer attention. One of my life's hard lessons. -
Divorce 15 years later...
I decided to divorce 15 years ago. Being on my own with my then young children seemed less dangerous than staying with my increasingly "angry" husband. My ex did not want the divorce and resents me to this very day. He spent the first 10 years after the divorce drilling into my children's heads what a bad person I was, that I left him for my dentist (oh, please!), and that all the child support he gave was being spent on myself and not them. He also played the victim and my older child would sometimes come home crying after a visit because of feeling so bad for dad "being alone". About 8 years ago, my ex actually tried to get sole custody of them, as he claimed they were "latch-key" kids and his stay-at-home girlfriend could better care for them. After many years of dealing with his resentment, we are better than ever. They were affected, but I believe would have been very unhappy living in a house where two parents fought constantly, which is what I was subjected to. NOT fun! -
How Can I Let Go....
For nearly nine years my husband and I shared a life together. He is the best that had ever happened to me. I owe him who I am. He is the only man I know who professes his love, not by words, but by his every action. His gentleness, refined behavior, and respect for others make him unique. For nine years I was blinded to realize and to appreciate the immense love and respect he had for me. He endured my childish and arrogant attitude. He was the victim of my capricious life. But my actions destroyed his love for me. His indifference makes me dreadfully unhappy. It’s been seven long years of misery, despair and loneliness. There is a void in my life. The thought of divorce is painful. He is not in-love anymore; he is merely grateful. His love and affection is of a good friend, I would say, the best friend. Ladies, if you were bless with a wonderful husband, don’t let him go, cherish each moment, life is short to waste it in selfishness, love your partner as much as you love yourself. -
There are no winners in divorce!
I can remember my attorney trying to convince me to sue for some items from our home--stupid stuff, like our bed and a print that probably wasn't worth $50, but would have cost me hundreds, if not thousands, in attorney's fees. Too many couples think that they will "win" in court. Nobody wins in divorce court; there are just varying degrees of losing. If the marriage doesn't last, it's silly to spend enormous amounts of time arguing over material things. The attorneys are the only ones who win in that scenario. One thing I will always be glad of is that we didn't have children. Once our divorce was final, I never had to have any contact with him again and he'd have played every game there was with the children being in the middle. As far as I'm concerned, that wiped out most of my mistake in marrying him and taught me a valuable lesson going forward--namely, get a pre-nup! -
Rocky Marriage, Amicable divorce
My marriage got off to a rocky start the day after the wedding. Almost eight years and one son later, it became a loveless marriage. I became very withdrawn until the day she came home and said she wanted an amicable divorce. I know my situation is vastly different from a majority of couples out there, but once I said I get custody of our son and she agreed, there wasn't much for the attorneys to do to justify a large bill. I paid $1500 for the entire divorce and an extra $250 for a get. A friend of mine was divorced twice, but once where a child was involved and he told me he spent $30,000 to get custody of his son. At our divorce conference, I said that my son's mother could see him any time she wanted. At first they were infrequent visits, today he stays over night one or 2 weekends a month. If you set aside differences for the sake of the children, there really isn't any reason to have a bitter fight in court, too bad that is not the case in many divorces. -
16 years later
My husband and I were married 5 years before our son was born. I was working evening shift, he decided to stay home with our son and go back to school for an Art Degree. Unfortunately, we grew apart and things got really bad between us and he served me with papers. Although I was suprised, I was not shocked. At first, we fought about everything. After a couple of years, we became friends again and were able to put our past aside for the sake of our son. My regret is the what must have been a terrible experience for our son. Divorce is never easy for the children. Although my son is doing well now, I still have no real idea how he felt. I think that marriage is too easy to walk away from these days. I regret not trying harder for our son. Although we are both happily remarried I wonder if things would have been better for my son if we had worked things out. -
...And Know They Love You...
Why are the days of "till death do we part" so revered? What is to be revered about holding children as hostages in an unhealthy relationship? Shouldn't divorce be considered an alternative in good parenting? Really!? Really. Our relationships with our children are not founded in how much we love our spouses or any other person, family member or not. Our relationships are personal and unique and ours to make or break, including those with our children. Someone who is abusive, selfish and immoral can not be absolved of those characteristics because he stays married. Someone who is loving, considerate and altruistic retains those qualities independant of his choice to divorce. Divorce, death, natural disasters...loss and pain come in many forms; it's our responsibility to teach our children how to navigate with character and self-discipline. Our children's suffering says more about the quality of our parenting than it says about the quantity of trials we've faced. -
No one told me...
After almost 30 years of marriage I one day said, "Why am I doing this?" I asked for a divorce. We agreed on whom got what and that we wanted our son to be comfortable around us so we would be friendly with each other. No one told me that the community and friendships went along with the divorce. People I knew for over 25 years acted like I didn't exist. I asked for the divorce so I was the evil one that made my ex depressed. Friends judged me and told me they could no longer talk to me. The family I loved all those years talked trash about me. People gave me dirty looks. I had one person walk up to me and say, "God hates divorce" and walked away. This coming from a divorced man who is an alcoholic. No one stopped by anymore, called me anymore or talked to me on chance meeting in town. Sad part is that most of these people I went to church with. Divorce came with a big price tag that no one told me about. -
Hope Sweet Hope
First of all, I am a loyal Judge Judy fan. Common sense and reading people are qualities I greatly admire. After years of being a single mother of two, I finally married the most wonderful man man I have ever met. A widower with two children of his own, we knew the kids could break us or make us, and although we have had some minor issues (they were 10,12,13 & 14) we stuck together as a team and now 3 of them are heading to college. I adopted his two, after all they did not have a mother and my husband is the greatest friend and role model for all the kids. Faith, and respect are our foundation. I also have Multiple Sclerosis and on my challenging days, I have my husband's never ending devotion and encouragement. Along with the kids. As a family we now are active fundraisers for Cancer and M.S. we have learned that life is fragile. Respect cannot be replaced. Oh yeah and you know when a teenager is lying...? their mouth is moving! I love you J.J.! -
Divorce Impact
Did I want to be divorced? No. However, my husband did and short of chaining him to the house, he left and wasn't coming back. I thought he was a 'good enough' dad or person but I was wrong. I was married 10 years, had 3 children with him, and dated him for two years prior to getting married. At the divorce, I didn't ask for spousal support (even though I wasn't working and only had prior experience as a secretary) but only child support, and he was supposed to pay for the credit card bills. I had to chase him around the country for 10 years to get child support, and he defaulted on the credit cards and went bankrupt, so it was on my credit report. He rarely ever saw the kids and when he did, he 'kidnapped' them once instead of returning them, and he would leave them alone without a sitter. Unbelievable! Now that the kids are adults, their sperm donor 'DAD' is finally starting to come around. Probably figures his days are numbered and he'll financially need his kids to support him but they've got his number so good luck! -
Ugly!!!!!
I was married to my first husband for over ten years. My first beating was after we were married for two years. A month after that beating, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to try to work things out, so I stayed. I finally left him after all those years of physical and mostly emotional abuse. My children have had many many issues. There were custody issues that went on for years. The children would choose to live with him, then call me in the middle of the night to rescue them, which I always did. Then it was another court battle to get them back, and keep them hidden until we could get legal custody. I don't wish my ex anything bad. However, it has been difficult for me since the divorce. I ended up sitting between him and my current husband when my child got married. I have to share my grandchildren's birthdays. It's hard to sit there and celebrate with someone who was so mean and cruel. It is still ugly and hard to forgive. -
Positive divorce
I spent a grueling 12 years going back and forth to court with my ex over custody and visitation. After 10 mediations and and a minors' council being assigned to our child it all came to an abrupt halt. My ex was so disgruntled with the judge and mediators decisions that he finally just gave up all together. Including walking away from his child. My ex had a bad habit of discussing court issues and placing blame on everyone but himself and often told our child about it. So at 11 years old, my child's father walked away. Not the best decision, but not so terrible either. I managed to work two jobs and go to school while being a single mom. My child is now 16 and I am currently seven years remarried. It just goes to show sometimes your first love isn't always your last, and some people just shouldn't be parents. My experience was lengthy, but made me and my child stronger. I am now in law school and my child is great. Divorce isn't the end of the world, it just feels like it when you're going through it. -
A Child Isn't a Bargaining Chip
My ex-husband left my 12-year-old daughter and me a year ago, and went to live with his father. This occurred after I lost my two jobs and asked him to step up more financially. I've had to sell nearly everything I owned to be able to make the bills each month, but I was successful. More importantly, I was successful in not saying anything negative about my ex to our child, even though he refuses to pay support. Our daughter can see her dad whenever she wants, and I strive to maintain a civil relationship (admittedly I bite my tongue a LOT) . Not for my ex's sake, but for my child's. I believe it is of the utmost importance that my daughter not be made aware of what a deadbeat her father is; she'll figure that out on her own someday. She's not a bargaining chip, and I don't want her to ever wonder if there's any deadbeat DNA in her too. That could mess up her self-esteem. So I shop at Goodwill now and eat nasty ramen noodles three times a week. It's all for my child and her well-being. I would die for her. -
The Children Made it Through
I was married to a not so wonderful man for 12 years. My daughter was 8 when we divorced, and my son was 5. The divorce was the same as the marriage, not so wonderful. The courts separated my children, the daughter with me and my son with him six hours away. To this day he has not spoken to me or my daughter. I only get to communicate with my son on the cell phone that I got him. My daughter is now an adult and expecting her first child and my son, well, he can be handful. Would I have done things differently? NO. Now my children see him for what he is and they are not afraid to tell him so. He did remarry and let's just say, we're even. He couldn't have picked a worse person. Now he won't get divorced because she will take all of his money (and two children) and run. She is making his life a living hell. Unfortunately, my son is in the middle of it. But he is a trooper and loves his little brother and sister. And he wants to live with his dad to protect his siblings. -
Divorce, amicably...
My ex and I were married for 20 years. This past year, on our 20th anniversary, we were quietly separated as it was close to the holidays and we didn't want to upset the season for our three children. This was a hard yet easy decision to make. I was the one who filed for the divorce. My ex had lied on financial matters, put us (him, since he was considerate enough not to put my name on the credit cards and loans he acquired without my knowledge) in debt, not to mention, he had been unfaithful several times in the past 15 years. Neither one of us were happy and knew it had run its course. He did not fight me on it; we agreed on all arrangements and filed ourselves. It took about 10 minutes to get the divorce granted. No fighting between us. The children took it hard, but they have adjusted well. I let them ask questions and answer them according to the age and understanding of each child. Keeping them top priority has been our main objective. We have remained friends. -
I wanted forever...
I married at 23 and I thought if things get bad, I will stick with the commitment. Later, realizing my young son would think it was okay to abuse others wasn't okay. Realizing my daughter may think being treated in a bad way was okay, I divorced because I didn't want them to see our relationship as normal. Divorce was the hardest time in my life but rebuild we did. There were court hearings regarding custody, but I came to the conclusion that as long as kids stay together, it would be more important than what I wanted or what my ex wanted. My adult children survived this and that included me not bad mouthing their father. They saw all on their own as time passed. He moved back to his country where US laws are not upheld, so he saved some money but he is alone and I feel sad for the fact that he chose this. -
My huband or my sanity???
I got married when I was 24 years old. We had a daughter together. We went through lots of problems. He didn't want to give up his previous lifestyle. He enjoyed drinking with his buddies and spending time without me. I tried so hard to keep it together. We separated many times. In one of our reunions, we conceived a child. We had a little boy. Our children were three years apart. Our problems didn't cease. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I had to seek psychological help and almost checked into a mental hospital to get "the help I needed." When they called me to get my information, they asked me what my birthday was. When I told them (over the phone), the person on the other side said, "Oh you're that bad?" I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "Happy Birthday." It was then when I snapped and said, "I gotta go." When my husband came home, I told him that I had a decision to make. It was either him or may sanity. I chose my sanity. Then we separated, eventually divorced. -
My divorce didn't work out!
After five years of marriage, my husband announced he was not happy and wanted a divorce. I was devastated. Our daughter was two, and I was terrified of raising her alone and starting over. My husband and I talked, and we came to an amicable agreement with custody and property division. As much as I didn't want to take the high road, I couldn't see anything but bitterness if I did, so I decided if we couldn't be husband and wife, we could at least be friends as well as mother and father. I decided to live my life, but made sure he could see his daughter whenever he wanted (he is an excellent father), and we even had dinner together a few times. About a year later, my ex told me he was shocked that I would even talk to him after how he'd treated me. The truth was, I still loved him. He asked if he could come home. He said that the way I treated him was (to him) an example of true love that he'd never experienced. We remarried eight years ago. Sometimes, divorce just doesn't work out. -
From Wonderful Man to Wonderful Me!
Ten years ago, I met the most wonderful man (WM) and (as I now realize) kidnapped him and manipulated him very well as I was a 37 year old with time ticking away and I absolutely wanted my wedding! We travelled from London to Memphis to tie the knot at Elvis' Chapel in the Woods at Graceland - where else? I'm a huge Elvis fan so nowhere else would have been good enough! Three years later, troubles were engrained as I always worried he might stray and I promptly divorced my WM as everything I fretted about indeed occured. I spent a year by myself, no contact with WM, and did much soul-searching, coming to realize that a) a man (wonderful or not) is NOT my happiness and b) the less I fret the less likely problems will occur (can you tell I read much about the 'law of attraction'?) I am now in a new relationship .... with the same WM and we have now been back together for three years! Re-marriage? If he asks me I will accept ..... but I will leave him to decide on where and when! I owe him that! -
The beginning and ending of a terrible divorce..
I was married for eight years. He beat me up as a result of misunderstandings. It was a nightmare that I still have to live with to this day. After the ugliness, I put a restraining order on him and got custody of our child. I have permanent physical damage because of him, back issues, neck issues, dizzy, and well, I am sure you get the picture. This man still walks this earth today, but finally I took a stand and went to a community college to understand where I was going in my life after this disaster. I not only found myself but a career path as a paralegal. Before I started school, I began going to women's groups and it helped me start fixing myself more in depth. Another women sat across from me spilling herself to the whole room; not a year later, she is thanking me for great advice. I'm a paralegal now, still in school, and living an abuse-free life!
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A different tale....
So, we met and fell in love instantly. We married and spent nearly seven years together; many of those years very happy. We grew apart and gave up. I was devastated. The problem was, like with most couples, I could not tell anyone. I had no boss whose empathy I could harness with my tale of divorce that was ripping my soul apart, or friend I could chat with over drinks. Why? Because our marriage was real to us, but not legal in the eyes of the law. We were two women very much in the closet and kept our relationship secret from our co-workers and most friends. This was the mid 90's. No one was out, especially in our chosen field of law enforcement. Could cost you your life. Not all were so forgiving. It hurt as deeply as a legal divorce; we fought over finances and a home; friends took sides; two lives shattered. If our relationship was respected, maybe the added support would have eased the pain. In the end, the love survived, even if our commitment to each other did not. Peace. -
First stages of divorce...
First off, I was never married to my ex but we were together for over ten years. I have 3 children and only 1 is his biologically. I am in the first stages of divorce and this is stressful! I literally want to pull my hair out! I don't want to keep my son from his dad but my ex was sent to prison twice for drug abuse and my children suffered great trauma. I broke up with him over two years ago and until then I was faithful and waiting. Now that my ex is out of prison, he has been nothing but rude to me-saying everything was my fault, name-calling and more which led to me obtaining a protection order. I have since moved out of state and gotten my life in great standing for my children. So now we're going through court and my toddler son (who's met his dad only half dozen times) is being put through more trauma. My only worry is that while on visit with his dad-he may put him in a bad situation concerning his addiction. -
Custody in their best interest, not mine.
I tried to bend over backwards during my divorce, but my husband was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Even after he used DCF three times against me, I kept getting my son back. Long story short, I did agree to week on / week off custody - I got Channukah; he got Christmas. I got even years for earned income credit; he got odd. NO CHILD SUPPORT. Today, my son is 21, in college & just finished his Associate's Degree. He wants to help kids who went through what he did (child atty) or criminal justice & physcology. My ex is still a moron & I can be a force to be tangled with, but neither one of those things had anything to do with our son. He's moving right on along. My ex was an awful husband, but he was a great dad (to him). I tell him thank you all the time.. twice.. for each of his faces! (two-faced) lol -
Divorce is so sad
Been there two times. I remember the wedding day on both marriages -- SO much in love and determined to be a good wife/mother. Spending many years doing wonderful things. Then, sadly, as the years go on, realizing that there are so many things going wrong -- not being quite so in love any more. Then -- BOOM! the reality sets in that it's over. That final decree nisi, knowing that it's legally over and in the record books for posterity. I don't think I'll ever do it, again. -
Divorce from H-E-L-L!!!
I was married to my first husband for 16 years. We married at 19, which was a mistake. We have one daughter who will be 16 this year. I finally left after years of verbal & emotional abuse. We have been fighting over custody for over five years now. I have spent over $75,000 in legal bills to protect my daughter. She was only 7 when I left. He had standard visitation, which I didn't fight in the beginning. This lasted almost two years, when I discovered my ex was physically abusing our daughter. That's when the battle began. We went on to fight for three more years after which I finally got a permanent order barring him from any contact. Sadly the damage was already done. There had been so much physical & mental abuse that my daughter is now suffering from severe depression & has to see a therapist. With that said, I wouldn't change a thing we had to do to protect her. My ex is completely evil & considers our child property, which she is not! My advice is fight for your child no matter what the cost! Never give up on your child!! -
Keep new spouses out of children's business!
I was divorced in 1980 with one young child. My ex and I got along good for the next few years. That is until he remarried and allowed the new wife to interfere and tell me what I was allowed to do where my own daughter was concerned. Guess I'm only posting to tell everyone to keep your new spouse out of your business when it comes to raising a child from another marriage and that childs' mother. It flies like a lead balloon and nothing but stress and anger for everyone and tears of a child ever comes of it. After 20 years my ex and I are able to have a decent and friendly relationship with our grown child and grandchildren too. Guess what? That other wife is out of the picture now. Things are back to mutual respect not hate and the continuous uproar of discontent. The current spouse is not the parent of your child with another person. Keep it that way. -
Been there, Didn't do that
You're going to get a lot of stories about divorce from the parents' point of view. I would like to give you the view of a child of two divorces. My mother married young to get out of her parents house. She was going to be a grown up, instead she got knocked up. Long story short, three kids, alcoholic parents, physical abuse, chaos. She marries again and repeats the story with husband #2. As the child of two divorces, I share this advice: Don't raise your children in chaos. If you don't want to be together, get a divorce. If you don't want children, don't have them. Don't have children you can't afford. Welfare sucks trying to feed six kids. Dads left never to give a dime of support. If you want to drink, don't have kids. I wish I could say my mom was mother of the year. She wasn't. She never tried to better her situation. I saw her example and ignored it. We have been married 25 years. Have raised two intelligent, confident and compassionate kids (not done yet though) who know they are loved by us. -
Staying...for now.
I have stage 4 breast cancer and have been undergoing treatment for a year. I just found out my husband of 10 years has been cheating on me. I confronted him with evidence and he 'fessed up. We are going to attempt counseling but I am not sure if it is too late. At this point, I have 3 reasons for choosing to stay with him: 1. We have a young child who loves him and needs stability. 2. I need his health insurance. 3. I remember the guy I married, who was good and decent and honest, and I believe he is capable of being that person again. My heart is broken but I have survived this long and am the strongest person I know. If I can work full time as a teacher, raise a daughter, take care of a house, and deal with cancer, there's nothing I can't do. And if this marriage doesn't work out, I will know that I have the strength to keep moving forward in my life. -
Past and present including the ex
My partner and I have been together for two years, and he has a child from a previous relationship but never married (thank god). The ex got $5000 off the government, and she is now getting child support. She had just had her 2nd baby to another guy last year and got a sizeable grant from the government. So because she can't work, he has to pay child support and she gets money off the government. They need to stop rewarding these idiots. I know it can be hard to raise a child not knowing where the money will come from but if your'e not financially ready don't have one. We should also have licenses to have kids; I totally agree. It will stop overpopulation and poverty. I'm only 20 and my partner 28, but I love him enough to put myself through this because some day I'm hoping it will get easier (I hope). Thank you -
Please Don't Divorce the Children!!
After 10 years of marriage, I woke up one day to find myself deserted by my husband with four young children. The fifth child was born a week after he left. It was very scary, having not worked since our marriage, but I knew I had to make a life for me and my children. That was 35 years ago. I found a job with a boss that encouraged me to further my education and raised all five children to be college educated. There were some rough spots along the way as my husband also abandoned our children. He saw them about five times the first two years after our divorce, then disappeared from their lives. He always sent his child support, which was a pittance, but at least was enough to make our house payment. It has been difficult for some of my children to cope with the loss of their father in their lives, Even now that they are adults, he refuses to answer their letters. I am so proud of how hard they all worked to pay for their educations and to maintain the loving family we are. -
Make sure you have your own nest egg!
We lived together seven years and were married 15 years. He didn't want me to work. He handled all the finances. He worked a lot of 'overtime?', but never got paid for it. Then one day he told me he had a girlfriend and was leaving. He left me completely broke with bills he hadn't been paying for months which included our mortgage, and I had a nervous break down. He immediately started calling me complaining about his girlfriend and sharing information about several other women he was seeing. Ladies, no matter what, make sure that you have your own money. Keep up with the finances in your marriage even if he pays them. Keep up with your education and job training. Make sure if anything happens, he gets sick, he dies, he runs off, etc. that you can support yourself. -
Family is forever
When you marry, you create a family. It doesn't disappear if you decide not to live together anymore! When we decided to separate, we had lawyers, but did the work ourselves, together. We split our possessions, money, debts and pets. We filed our paperwork and proceeded to live our lives in parallel. We participate in family events and holidays, and act like the old acquaintances that we are. Our children do not have to worry that mom and dad won't get along at events, and neither of us has to miss any special times with the children. Put the "bad times" away in the past where they belong. The future is what you make it. -
Jeckyl and Hyde
He was sweet and kind UNTIL we married. I was madly in love but didn't realize he had a very dark side to him. He was abusive, and treated our children horribly. He was extremely controlling and financially nearly destroyed us. Through the divorce, he hid assets, screwed around with child support, dragged me through the courts, traumatized the kids, falsified documents, perjured himself and abused the kids. The court didn't want to deal with him, so they let him get away with whatever he wanted. He destroyed his relationships with the kids (what was left), and ruined any relationship with his family for the kids. My children now have no contact with him or his family. We have scars but now that the kids are older they realize that I did whatever I could to protect them. Today, in spite of the hurt and the scars, my kids and I are close. They are college graduates, great jobs and have turned out to be wonderful parents. They have learned what life with a narcissist truly is. -
Divorcing him once was not enough.
We were worlds apart or at least 20 years apart when we got married. We had two daughters during a very rocky and abusive seven years. I joined the Army so I could support the girls when our divorce was final. Five years later I felt that we or I had reached a certain maturity and for the girls, we remarried and relocated. The first year went well, then the abuse started all over and progressed to the girls. We tried for another five years but in the end, it just ended. So I divorced him again. Now after 20+ years we can actually talk and get along (in small doses.) -
Suck it up and be nice!
Divorce is hard but if you have children you need to try to be as amicable as possible. My ex and I have done that. We have two kids together and four grandchildren. We all get together (my current husband included) for breakfast once a month, family dinners at my son's house every Wednesday, and all holiday dinners are spent together as one big family. It makes it so much easier on the family. I say you're divorced, suck it up, and be nice and civil for the well being of the kids. Makes life so much easier. We may be the exception to the way most divorces end, but we knew it was important to be civil. When I met my now current husband I told him the way it was going to be before we got married and if he wanted to walk away he could, he chose not to and we've been married 11 years. All involved need to be mature, smart, and make the kids and grandkids feel loved. If you can do that everyone is happy in my opinion. -
Keep the Divorce out of the Courtroom!!!
I was with my boyfriend for eight years and marriage seemed to be the next natural step. After the engagement, he lost interest. We had rennovated a house together and everything should have been perfect. I wasn't stupid. I kept all bank accounts/ credit cards seperate. I never lent him money and we didnt have loans. Like a fool, I still went through with the wedding thinking it might change things. Stupid move. After a year, I discovered he was seeing someone else so I threw him out. I was the only person to divorce in my family! I swore he wasn't going to take my house. He turned nasty and insisted it was sold but I smiled through gritted teeth. I refused to get in a slanging match even though I felt total hatred towards him. I took two jobs and bought him out. Because I kept the finances in good shape, the divorce was quick. I actually did most of the paperwork myself and I kept it out of court. It cost us a few hundred instead of thousands and I kept my house and my bank balance healthy! -
A Child's Life After Divorce
Standpoints are different and people radically change after separation. The mother I once knew was radically different, remarrying to a man who said he could be our father. Yet, I never had that father figure I wanted. Child-support obligations became the divorce between me and my parents. My potential within my own family was never met. I was the child my step-father was paying for, it was as if he didn't think that was the obligation. I worked hard for recognition, but I never had the bitter-sweet ending. After the years I spent working to pay for my own education and graduating with honors from my college. I asked my mother if she could pay for my cap and gown. The response was "I'll ask XXXXX" The only thing that came out of divorce for me was a pessimistic view on life. Opportunity was harder for me and I knew it. I was never afforded the opportunities my half siblings would get, or those opportunities afforded by a stable family. But, I was still somehow lucky. -
Divorce doesn't have to hurt forever.
I was divorced 20 years ago after an 11-year marriage. We had a young son. As heartbroken as I was to end the life I had made with my husband and child, I knew right away I would have to decide how to move forward. I could be miserable and blame my ex until the day I die, or we could both figure out a way to stay united for the betterment of our son. My ex and I decided we would, together as a family, do whatever we needed to do for the sake of our son's happiness; Fast forward to the present, we still have holiday dinners, birthday celebrations, etc. with not only our son, but our two grandchildren! It certainly wasn't easy in the beginning, but if more parents would put their children first, during and after a divorce, what a different world we might live in. -
I should have known better.
I was married for 20 years and had two children. He strayed, blindsided me. But I should have known better. He still is the smartest person I have ever known, but he also uses it to allow himself to do things that really are not fair to the person who loves him. I got the house and everything in it, the kids, and of course some debt. But I am a much happier person today. I had to fight for what I got, and it was all done out of court. I didn't go to the hearing. It wasn't worth getting beat up emotionally. I am now remarried, and I finally know what it means to really have someone who loves me. -
A Big Joke
I was married for 20 years. My ex verbally and physically abused me. I put up with it and sheltered it from the kids. He served me with divorce papers as a "joke" . His way of scaring me and trying to get me in his control again. He said it was meant to scare me. I told him it did scare me, but the relief outweighed the scare. He still tries to manipulate me and my kids. I'm stronger now than I have ever been. Some jokes that are planned are for the better. -
Taking the high road.............
My mom and dad divorced when I was in my 20's. It was a nasty, bitter experience that did not end until my mom passed away a few years ago. My brother and I were always put in the middle and it was awful. He still has issues from it. Not long after their divorce, I was soon facing my own. Because of how I had felt during my parents' divorce, I was determined to make it as easy as possible for my son and to never put him in the middle or make him feel bad or quiz him after visiting his Dad. We were successful in doing this. I have since remarried and have 2 kids with my 2nd husband. My oldest from my 1st marriage is a great kid and well adjusted. My ex and I managed to spend Holidays and Birthdays together and all of us stayed friends including my ex-inlaws and they all love my current hubby and kids. We still call ourselves a family even though it is not the norm and some find it a bit odd. I wouldn't change a thing though because it was what's best for my son and us as well. -
25 years.....twice
I was married the first time for 25 years at the age of 21. (didn't wait long enough). In the beginning it was O.K. but deteriorated gradually until we were worlds apart. We experienced a rough divorce after 25 years. She used the children as a tool against me. I honestly admit I was a bit of a jerk when I was younger. After the divorce, I married this great soulmate that had a strong personality. I got away with nothing. We had a son who's out of the military now and going to college. We are going to celebrate our 25th anniversary this year. I guess I needed someone strong to keep me in line. I'm very happy now. -
First divorce leads to fufilling second marraige.
I recently was in an interview and a question was asked. "Who inspires you?" The first person that came to mind was my father. He was previously married before meeting my mother. His first and only divorce was not pretty in anyway whatsoever. She took their children and left him with nothing but a plate, and a three-piece set of silverware. My father, over the following 30 years, not only supported his first children up to this day but has been happily married to my mother for 25 years. He has since retired but still continues to work full-time because he is a man that constantly has to be productive. He now owns many homes and has four children (including myself) whom he fully supports. My dad is a perfect example of how you can be at your very lowest and become such a successful person. Not only can I take his wealth of knowledge with me; but his perseverance, positive attitude and an an example that it is never too late to make something out of yourself. -
Life after divorce.
After being married for nine years to my first love, I finally divorced him. We were married as teens in the late 80s. A few months later, I became pregnant with our son. After all of the verbal abuse and cheating, I realized I deserved better. At this point, I was mentally drained. I wasn't allowed to work, I wasn't allowed to have friends, I wasn't allowed to have a car or go to college. A week after my divorce, I entered college, and put a lot of hard work and time into my degree. I chose not to date anyone for many years. I concentrated on my son getting through school, and having a normal life. I stayed friends with my ex and former in-laws, so the divorce would not affect my son. Of course there were times of hurt and pain, but my son and I made it through. He is a college graduate, owns his own business, married and has a beautiful child. He is a great husband and father. I am remarried to a loving, kind, funny man for six years now, (we have been together for ten). I am so happy. -
Married To A Thief Cop
My cop husband of 25 years always said there was nothing he hated worse than a liar and a thief. Well, after he left me I started receiving phone calls from relatives that they were getting credit card bills from companies they did not have cards with and my husband was on them as a co-applicant. Well, I finally realized why he left. He got so caught up in debt he couldn't pay the bills anymore. It wasn't much of a divorce battle since I told him that he could give me EVERYTHING but the shirt on his back, and alimony, and he would have to make restitution to each relative OR I would go to the police chief and reveal what his wonderful cop had done. He was so well respected in the department he didn't want that. So, this time me and my relatives got the gold mine and he got the shaft!!